


Always Come Back to You

by Baphrosia (spuffy_luvr)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comics)
Genre: Amnesia, Canon - Comics, F/M, Future Fic, Kid Fic, POV First Person, season nine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-27 06:35:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spuffy_luvr/pseuds/Baphrosia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A dozen years after season nine, Spike is presumed dead.  Buffy has since married, when she runs across a damaged vampire that reminds her of lost love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the very first Spuffy fic I wrote (almost exactly one year ago). It was inspired by the events of S9, and I had so many feels, I had to write something or explode. I wrote the entire thing in two weeks. So between that and it being the first fic I ever wrote, well... there are places where it could use some work. Still, I present it to you in all its unaltered glory. :)
> 
> This story is a future fic based on season nine, number six, which means it will go off canon when number seven comes out in March 2012. Some of my ideas have been taken from speculation by others on various boards. Thanks for the inspiration! 
> 
>  
> 
> Warning! Spoilers for season nine. It would be helpful to be familiar with seasons eight and nine, as well as the comics from IDW to really get what's going on. Also, as it says in the summary, Spike is thought dead and Buffy is married to somebody else. So there is Buffy/other. But it's a Spuffy story at its core.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is really cool and created all these characters. I'm borrowing them because my happiness depends on Spuffy happiness, even if it's only in my mind.

 

I was in the middle of paying for the snacks we'd picked to help keep awake during our night-time cross-country drive when I heard Annie screaming at the top of her lungs.  Dropping everything, I flew outside, scenarios racing through my mind.  We were in the middle of Colorado, some small rest stop, which was as non Hellmouth-y as you could get.  I couldn't imagine it being anything supernatural, but still.  Annie wasn't a screamer, especially when her big brother Billy was with her.  It had to be bad.

 

As I skidded around the corner toward the girl's bathroom ( _stupid gas stations always having their bathrooms out near the back where it's dark_ ), I could hear Bob's feet pounding from the other side.  Yeah, bathrooms in the back and on opposite sides of each other.  Smart plan for keeping travelers safe.  Even though he'd been closer, I got there first.  The advantages of supernatural strength.

 

What I saw brought me to a sudden stop.  Annie was still screaming her head off, but from behind the safety of Billy's back.  Her big brother had her pressed up against the brick of the building, and both of them held crosses out, waving them in the face of the man ( _vampire_?) in front of them.  From behind, I couldn't see his face to tell if he really was a vampire, but he was sniffing at the children, weaving subconsciously to keep away from the crosses in his face.  _Crosses_ : _never leave home without them_ ran through my mind with a bit of a hysterical giggle. 

 

The tinglies confimed it.  Definitely not human.  Not a zompire either, because they were snarling, snapping, feral creatures, not calm like this.  On the other hand, vampires were very rare now.  No new ones had been created since the destruction of the Seed 13 years ago, and the ones who had survived were usually too smart to show their faces.  This must be one of the few dumb ones left, then.

 

I'm not sure why I didn't dash right in.  Maybe it was because I knew I could stop the creature before he could do anything.  Maybe it was the way he was acting.  He was just _sniffing_ my children, like a curious dog, and not at all in a hungry, predatory way. 

 

Or maybe it was the size and build of his body, the long black leather coat, the fact that his head was cocked to one side, all of which conspired to make my heart clench.  The soft brown curls on his head did nothing to dispel the sense of familiarity that had rushed through me.  I _knew_ him, _knew_ he wasn't a threat.

 

But then Annie shrieked again, and that split second of hesitation was over.  _Children!_ my mothering instincts screamed.  _Vampire_! my Slayer instincts screamed in unison.  I reached the vampire at the same time as Bob, and together we spun him around and threw him against the wall.

 

My hand was pulling out the stake from my back pocket, a snarl of anger roaring through me that he had dared to corner my children ( _dared to remind me of that other -_ ) _._   No quips for this one.  I raised the stake over his heart, prepared to finish him off - and then looked at his face, and promptly fainted.

 

***

 

When I came to, I could feel the hard concrete under me, hear Bob and the children murmuring over me.  I didn't dare open my eyes though.  I was pretty embarrassed about having fainted.  Definitely _not_ part of the Slayer response system, you know?  And I remembered why I'd fainted.  I suspected that if I opened my eyes and saw the vampire again, I might do a repeat. 

_Not him not him not him_ my mind repeated over and over.  _Can't_ be him.  Okay, so there were the cheekbones and the blue eyes, and the soft ( _kissable_ ) lips, but it wasn't him.  He'd been dead for 12 years.  Really dead.  Not just undead, but dead dead.  Ever since just before Billy was born.

 

_He's been dead - gone - before, and come back unexpectedly_ my treacherous mind whispered.  It had whispered that for the first several days, weeks, months, years afterwards.  It didn't seem that long ago that I had finally stopped looking.  Finally quit starting every time I heard a British _luv_ in passing.  Finally refrained from rushing up to men of his general size and shape, trying to get a look at their face - whether it was daylight or not.

 

I tried to picture the face of the vampire I'd just seen.  Had the eyebrow been scarred?  I thought so, but it could have been my imagination playing tricks on me.  If I opened my eyes again, then I would know for sure.

 

I realized the tinglies on the back of my neck had subsided.  Was he gone?  I suddenly and fervently hoped not.  How would I know -?

 

My eyes popped open and my family swam into view.  I saw Bob's face, dark eyes worried.  I saw Annie, sucking her thumb and holding onto her daddy, long dark hair curtaining her face.  And I saw Billy, looking away into the darkness, the light from the gas station cutting shadows across his sharp cheekbones, bringing his soft dusky blond curls into sharp relief.  The tilt of his head hid his bright blue eyes from my view, though.

 

What was Billy focusing on?  Was that where ( _not him not him not him!_ ) the vampire had gone? 

 

I sprang to my feet.  "You guys ok?" I asked.  They nodded.  "Billy, that way?" I pointed in the direction he'd been gazing.  He nodded again, mouth a thin line.

 

"Buffy..." Bob began, but I gave him no chance to continue.

 

"I'm fine," I snapped.  It wasn't Bob's fault.  I shouldn't have snapped.  But the suspense was killing me.  I took off, running into the dark, hoping my senses would pick something up.  How far away had he gotten?

 

I could hear Bob telling the kids to go into the crowded dining area and get a table, and then running after me.  He was still in great shape after all these years, but no Slayer.  I quickly outdistanced him, searching desperately in the woods.  I wasn't worried about Bob.  He was well trained to handle vampires and other things that went bump in the night.

 

One minute passed, then two, five, ten.  No sign of the vampire.  Had I lost him? I could hear Bob panting in the distance, and I suddenly sat down on a log, breathless, shaken, and exhausted.  A small noise rustled not too far off.  _Probably just a squirrel_ I thought to myself, but I still couldn't help it.

 

"Spike?" I called out.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

The rustling noise ceased abruptly, then continued after a moment's pause.  _Yup, squirrel_.  _Or maybe a bunny._   I grinned in fond remembrance of Anya.  If she'd been with me, I could have said it out loud, and then she would have run screaming back the other way.  I hoped that wherever she'd gone to, there were no bunnies.

 

I stood up slowly, groaning, and trudged back the way I'd come.  I really hoped I wasn't lost.  My sense of direction wasn't that great.  At least I had the sounds Bob was making to guide me back.  Provided he wasn't lost too, of course.

 

Soon enough we came upon each other.  "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" I asked him.  The scowl on his face faded, but he didn't quite smile.

 

"No, Detective Dowling, darling", he replied.

 

"Very alliterative," I smirked.  Hey, I'd managed to finish my degree finally.  I wasn't ashamed to flaunt that hard earned education.

 

He smiled and drew me into his arms.  I could tell he was still mad at me, and I was going to have to suck up later, but it was alright.  He knew I always put my family - our family - first, before slaying, and I would never do anything dangerous.  I looked up at him, and he kissed me softly.  It was lovely and warm, and I snuggled into him.

 

"Did you find him?" he asked as we began to walk towards the light of the rest stop, hand in hand.  I shook my head.  "Was it -?" he continued, stumbling over the name neither of us wanted to say.

 

"How could it be?" I asked.  "He's dead.  Dead-er.  Gone".    _He has to be,_ my mind continued.  _Spike wouldn't have stayed away that long.  Or run from me.  Right?_  

 

Bob spoke up hesitantly.  "Nobody ever actually saw him dust".  Just what I was thinking too.

 

***

 

_It had been a bad week.  Ok, well, ever since I'd been called, they'd pretty much all been bad weeks.  Always some Big Bad to fight.  This time around, the Big Bad had been mostly human._

_Simone was desperate to cross me off her list.  For some reason, she'd decided that I was the cause of all that was wrong in her life, and the only way to fix it was to kill me.  The attack by Severin had failed.  The attack with the Fyarl demons had failed.  The concerted attack of disgruntled I'm-not-a-slayer Slayers had failed.  This time though, she was determined to succeed.  And in the state I was in, she might have too._

_We'd been having a baby shower.  It was one month before my baby was due.  Dawn was hosting it, so we were all at her apartment.  Otherwise I would have been on the bug ship with Spike._

_After breaking the Seed, I was persona non-grata with the demon community too.  Word had gotten out about my condition, and all the demons were determined to get their one good day with the Slayer that had destroyed magic. Never mind Simone and her attempts at my life.  With my huge belly and swollen ankles, I was pretty much a damsel in distress.  Spike had finally insisted that I stay on the ship with him at all times, so he could keep me safe.  He enjoyed a spot of violence before bed as much as the next demon, but even he was getting tired of defending me practically 24/7._

_I'd talked him into letting Dawn have the party at her place though.  She was still terrified of the bugs, and truth be told, I wanted her to be able to invite some of my other friends too.  The ones who might have had a hard time accepting a spaceship run by bugs with a dashing vampire captain._

_Spike had seen how much it meant to me, so he'd relented, but not without stacking the odds in our favor.  He'd insisted on being there too, despite his ‘sun allergy', arriving via sewer system.  He'd made sure he had a communicator to call his ship instantaneously (and don't think we didn't get in a hundred Star Trek jokes at his expense).  He'd convinced Dawn to invite some of the girls who still held onto their Slayer status - the ones who didn't outright hate me, that is.  Kennedy had come too, although she had decided to hang out in the lobby with some of the other girls, a sort of first line of defense.  He'd even gotten Faith to come.  He knew she would defend me with her life, despite any differences we'd had in the past._

_She had come bearing a photo of a baby in an old-fashioned English pram.  In response to the eyebrow I'd cocked at her, she'd said, "Check it out!  Baby Giles goes for a ride!  I found his pram in the carriage house, and I thought you might want it for your rugrat.  Didn't fit in the overhead compartment of the plane though, so you and Blondie will have to jet on over and pick it up".  Faith could surprise you like that._

_Faith's arrival hadn't been too much of a shock, but Detective Dowling's presence had been.  He wasn't Bob to me then.  As Spike had whispered in my ear, it was his gun that had saved us from Severin.  Spike trusted him.  Dowling hung out in the kitchen with Spike and Xander, male bonding over beers, avoiding us baby-crazed womenfolk._

_Oh yeah, and Andrew was with them too.  Spike had wanted to make him stay with us girls.  In fact, he hadn't even wanted Dawn to invite Andrew.  She'd insisted though.  The rest of the gang was here, and he would have felt left out.  Andrew had been thrilled to be ‘bonding' with Spike._

_The only thing Spike couldn't bring himself to do was let Dawn invite Angel.  Not so much for his own sake, but for mine.  He knew I wasn't ready to see Angel yet, so Angel stayed home, even though he and Faith were usually together all the time now.  Not in_ that _way, as far as I knew, but I didn't much care if they were.  I was happy with my life for once, so happy that I wanted to see Angel happy too.  Just, you know, see him happy but not perfectly happy, and far, far away._

_The party had wound down as we headed into dusk.  The plan was to have everything over before the sun set, then get me back to the safety of the ship before too many demons were out and about.  Not that most demons had to avoid the sun, but they were still nocturnal by nature.  Many of the guests had left, and it was mostly just the Sunnydale alum who were still there._

_We'd been having such a great time, though, that we lingered on well past midnight.  It was a rarity to be surrounded by friends, relaxed and happy.  Even Spike was lulled into a false sense of security._

_But then...  Kennedy had called up with a terse warning.  It was Simone.  She was making her final stand, no holds barred.  She'd brought vampires, zompires, Severin, random demons, Slayers, and witches._

_If it had been a month earlier, the witches would have been useless, but Willow had completed step one in the quest to bring back the magic, and it had somehow activated certain amulets and simple spells.   I didn't really understand the whole magic thing, but Willow had been excited, so I'd counted it as good.  Until that day._

_The Scoobies sprang into action like a well-oiled machine.  The remaining Slayers and Willow ran off to join Kennedy.  Willow no longer had the magicks she used to, but then again neither did anybody else, so she was still one of the most powerful witches around._

_Spike summoned the bug ship with instructions to hover right outside the fire escape, and shrugging on his duster, hustled me and Dawn over to the window.  The rest formed up around the door - Andrew and Xander with cross-bows, Dowling with his gun, and Faith with so many weapons strapped to her that she looked like a mutant hedgehog._

_It was a good plan, with one exception.  Suddenly the fire escape was swamped with demons and zompires too.  The zompires couldn't get in, but I couldn't get out either.  There was no getting me to the ship._

_"Axe!" I yelled to Faith.  She tossed me one right as the front door burst open, then turned back to face whatever was coming in the door.  I swung the axe and it whistled satisfyingly.  I'd never been much for damseling anyhow._

_And then it was on._

_The one good thing about being trapped in the apartment was that the attackers could only get in through the front door or the fire escape window.  It was easy enough to pick them off one by one._

_Unfortunately, the attackers weren't only trying to get in.  Simone was too much of strategist to rely on just the supernatural.  Her thing for guns had mutated into a thing for grenades and firebombs.  As Spike and Faith defended the points of entry, the rest of us were scrambling to repel the projectiles that were incoming._

_Willow must have activated a protection spell, because the missiles had been painful, but not mortal, thank heavens._

_Andrew had turned into Spike's own personal fire department, dousing him with water whenever a firebomb struck him._

_Xander repelled grenades with the best of us, using a baseball bat to knock them right back out the window, making sarcastic comments about how he really didn't want to lose his security deposit on the apartment._

_Dawn was using a fire extinguisher to put out the rest of the firebombs as they landed.  Luckily they had more than one fire extinguisher.  Dawn had the same propensity to flambé her food that I did._

_Seeing how ineffective his gun had been on demons, Dowling had traded it in for a long sword that Xander kept in the closet.  Xander may not have helped to patrol anymore, but he knew the value of keeping sharp pointy objects within easy reach._

_Spike kept yelling for me to go hide in the bathroom, but the Slayer in me had taken over.  I had called upon some unknown reserves of strength.  Grenades were no match for my speed.  My friends, my family, my_ child _was being threatened.  There was no way I could hide._

_Three, four, five hours this had gone on, with only brief reprieves while Simone's army regrouped.  On the plus side, the projectiles had run out after an hour or so, but the demons kept on coming.  Spike had ordered the bugs to pick off the attackers on the fire escape, and that had helped, but there seemed to be a never-ending supply of demons.  As one fell, another stepped into its place.   Where had they all come from?_

_We were wearing down, there was no denying it.  There hadn't been any serious injuries to our little group of defenders, but the multitude of cuts and burns that we all were sporting was beginning to overwhelm us.  As Kennedy, Willow, and the three remaining Slayers on our side were backed into the apartment by the vampire and demon hordes still pushing forward, we glanced at each other in dismay.  We'd prevented how many apocalypses, and this was going to be our final stand?_

_Then Spike said the sweetest words I'd ever heard.  "Sunrise in only 15 minutes.  We'll lose most of the nasties then"._

_We battled with renewed vigor at those words, but then, so did Simone's side._

_Willow and the one remaining witch looked like dueling Jedis.  The vampires couldn't enter the apartment, so Faith and the Slayers concentrated on the demons bursting in.    There didn't seem to be any Slayers left on Simone's side.  Severin was taking down his own army, sucking the zompires and powering up for the final confrontation with us.  In the meantime, he was staying in the back, far away from any guns.  He'd learned that lesson already.  We didn't even see Simone.  Had she been taken out?_

_As the sun rose, all hell broke loose.  What, you thought hell had broken loose before?  Apparently it had just been the warm up act.  I saw it all in slow motion, indelibly burned into my eyes, the subject of all my dreams from that day out._

_The vampires and zompires left, as we had expected, either running away or burning up.  Most of the demons did too.  They just don't like the sun.  We were inhaling for a collective sigh of relief, but we never got the chance to let it out._

_This is the part I see every night in my dreams.  The part where the picture changes._

_Simone steps out of the shadows, favorite gun in hand, and shoots Kennedy and the three remaining slayers in quick succession.  Dowling reaches for his gun, but not before Simone has shot him in the shoulder, sending him down too._

_Xander, Dawn and Andrew are fighting the remaining demons, who have them surrounded.  Spike leaves the window, where the first rays of light are streaming in, and rushes to help free them._

_Severin races forward and engages with Faith.  She dodges and twists desperately, trying to avoid his touch at all costs._

_And me, I sit slumped on the couch, exhausted, and most likely in labor._

_The witch suddenly lets out a crow of victory as Willow sags, unconscious.  In the blink of an eye, or possibly the spasm of a contraction, the picture changes again._

_Severin and the witch turn to Spike, who is on a demon's back, choking it.  Dawn and Xander have collapsed.  Andrew is knocked across the room and lands next to Dowling, who is reaching for the gun he has dropped.  Faith turns to Simone and kicks the gun out of her hand, but Simone just shrugs and plucks a wicked knife from her boot.  Kennedy raises her head and drags herself toward Willow, face contorted in pain and a smear of blood marking her path._

_Blink.  Spasm.  New picture._

_Dowling is raising the gun in his left hand, but it's wobbling unsteadily.  Simone's knife is arcing through the air, slicing through Faith's right arm.  Andrew is reaching for the sword Dowling dropped.  Kennedy has reached Willow and seems to be shaking her.  The demons are all dead, piled on top of Xander and Dawn.  Severin has Spike by the arm, draining him, and the witch is muttering an incantation.  She has some kind of amulet that is growing claws and then... oh God... embedding in the back of Spike's neck._

_Blink.  Spasm._

_Faith is down, her arm gushing blood.  Simone is running at me, bloody knife held aloft, pink Mohawk garish in the early morning light.  I can't move, even to save my own life.  Andrew rushes Severin with the sword.  Dowling raises the gun and shoots.  Simone goes down with a startled cry.  Severin loses his head.  Spike turns with a roar and snaps the witch's neck, yellow eyes glaring._

_Blink._

_I think I should be smiling.  The Big Bad seems to have been defeated.  I'm still ok.  I don't know about anybody else, but my child is still ok.  He might be born later today, but he will not die here._

_Blink._

_Spike is rushing toward me.  I do smile then.  I want to tell him that our son will be fine.  But I can't.  Because it isn't Spike.  It looks like Spike.  If Spike were a zompire.  And I am suddenly more scared than I have ever been in my life.  The amulet with the claws... what did it do?_

_Blink.  Spasm.  Things change again._

_Faith bowls Spike over just as he reaches me.  "Get her to the ship!" she screams to the room in general.  Only Andrew and Dowling are mobile.  They each grab me by one arm, dragging me to the window.  I see everything as I'm pulled backwards._

_Spike is snarling and snapping like a feral dog, no sign of consciousness anywhere in his yellow eyes.  He seems to be overwhelmed with the scent of Faith's blood and latches onto her bloody, dangling arm.  Faith screams._

_Willow is sitting up, shaking her head as Kennedy talks frantically at her and gestures to Spike and Faith.  Andrew sees Willow sitting up and rushes to her, adding his own details about Spike's new status as zompire._

_Xander has pulled himself out from under the demons, and sees Spike shaking Faith's arm like a dog, growling and gulping blood.  Xander rushes over to them, broken chair leg raised like a stake._

_Dowling manages to get me out the window somehow, but I'm fighting him desperately, trying to get off the fire escape and back inside to stop Xander._

_Willow gathers herself and with a yell of something ancient sounding, a blast of white light flies from her and hits Spike in the back of the neck.  The amulet drops to the ground and Spike suddenly stills, face reverting to human form._

_Blink.  A spasm wracks my body._

_Xander pauses, stake held high.  Faith scrabbles backwards.  Kennedy and Andrew stare.  I scream and fall back in through the window, desperate to get to Spike._ He's okay now, it's over now, _I think._

_My entire body shudders in a contraction.  I scream again.  Spike turns and looks at me, a puzzled frown on his face, then scans the room.  His eyes are still blank, as if he doesn't know who any of us are._

_He looks vacantly at me once more, then turns, rushes past me to window, and dives out.  He begins to smoke, but instead of fleeing to the safety of his ship, he leaps off the landing, presumably to the ground below._

_By the time I get to the landing, there is nothing to be seen in the early morning light._


	3. Chapter 3

 

We'd reached the restaurant at the rest stop, and gone inside to the children.  They were huddled together in a booth, Billy staring aimlessly, little Annie asleep, thumb in mouth.

 

"Hey," I said softly, sliding in next to them and wrapping my arms around Billy.  "You ok?"

 

Billy nodded quietly, but didn't say much.  I ordered everybody a meal, thinking some hot food would do us good.

 

Halfway through the meal, Billy said, "Who was that vampire, Mom?  Did you know him?"

 

"I'm not sure, sweetie.  I thought he was somebody I recognized, but, I just don't know how it could be".

 

Billy accepted that, and didn't say anymore.

 

While Bob was paying the bill, I let him know that I had to use the restroom before we left.  His eyes narrowed at me, but all he said was, "I'll get the kids in the car.  Be careful".  I gave him a kiss and a reassuring smile, then went outside, heading for the back of the building.  It was quiet.  Outside the circle of light cast by the rest stop lights, the woods were still and dark.

 

I closed my eyes and tried to reach out with my senses.  Nothing.  Sighing, I slipped into the restroom, and did my business.  Then I stood at the sink, water running, and allowed a few tears to slip out.  I only gave myself a few moments though.  Bob and the kids were waiting.  If it weren't for them, I would probably stay here for the next week, searching and waiting for the maybe-Spike to come back. 

 

The needs of my family outweighed my wants.  I didn't resent them though.  Without them, I might have slipped into insanity long ago.

 

It was time to leave.

 

When I stepped back outside, my whole body buzzed.  There was something nearby.  My head whipped from side to side, eyes searching, but I couldn't see anything.  I took a deep, centering breath, and let myself relax. 

 

Whatever it was, it was straight ahead in the woods, just out of the light.  I walked forward slowly, but the trees rustled with the sounds of retreating.  I went back to the building, and waited.  After a moment, I could sense the whatever-it-was getting closer again.  The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and the tinglies increased.  I could feel eyes on me, but whatever (whoever) it was, it was staying in the shadows.

 

"Spike?"  I called out again.  There was no answer. 

 

Even if it were Spike, could he reply?  Those few moments before he'd leapt out the window twleve years ago, he'd seemed empty and without memory.  The vampire we'd seen here hadn't been behaving normally either.  If it really were Spike, he might not know who he was.  What could I do though?  I couldn't just wait here, hoping he'd come out of the shadows.

 

Inspiration struck.  I reached into my purse and took out a pen, then dug around in my wallet until I found what I'd been looking for.  It was a small photo of me and the kids that had been taken on Billy's last birthday.  With a few minor differences, Billy looked exactly like Spike.  Or more precisely, like William.  I held it up toward the shadows, wondering if vampire eyes could make out the details.

 

"Spike," I said, "this is your son.  William.  He's 12 years old now, and he reminds me of you every day.  I'm going to write my phone number on the back.  If it's you, please, find me".  I wrote my cell phone number on the back, and hesitated.  I wanted to put our address too, but what if some weirdo found the picture?  I compromised and just wrote ‘San Francisco'.  If the maybe-Spike was aware enough to retrieve the picture, he'd be able to find us just from that information.

 

I jumped up and tucked it under the eaves of the roof.  "I hope it's you," I said, and turned to walk away.  Then I turned back.  There was one more thing I had to say.

 

"I used to count the number of days," I called out, "but when it got into the thousands, I switched to counting months.  Today would have been 148 months.  But maybe today doesn't count.  Maybe it's 147 months".

 

If it were Spike, he'd know what that meant.

 

***

 

We reached D.C.  two days later.  We were all strung out from the trip, and it felt good to stretch out on the beds of the hotel that was to be our home for the next few weeks. 

 

We could have flown, but in a giant case of irony, the man who was my husband and dealt with demons on a regular basis was afraid to fly.  Flying with Willow all those years ago (and, oh yeah, having my own powers of flight for a brief period) guaranteed that I was completely comfortable in a plane.  

 

On the other hand, spending a month with the National Security Advisor of the United States to hammer out the official position on demon co-habitation with humans?  That was Bob's forte, not mine. 

 

In another twist of irony, once the Seed had broken, humans had become fully aware of the supernatural world for the first time.  With time, and Harmony's fall from the spotlight, that awareness had faded.  Not everybody forgot though.  And of course, some groups, like the US military, had known all along. 

 

Magic was still limited in this brave new world of ours.  Willow's quest to restore the earth to what it once was had not lost its urgency, but with the help of her coven, she was grounded in real life.  Future Dark Willow didn't seem to be making an appearance, and for that I was grateful.  We'd recovered the closeness we'd once had, although life kept us apart more than I'd have liked.

 

Now that there was no longer a way to open portals to other dimensions, the number of demons in the world was drastically reduced.  Once Billy was born, I no longer actively pursued slaying.  I didn't run from a good staking, but I didn't go out of my way to find trouble any more.  Between Faith and the other Slayers, they had most of the demon population in hand.  Except for a few nests in remote areas, most demons had either learned how to get along, or had been eradicated.  Now, 13 years later, the only real threat left was zompires. 

 

While the vampires that were left did their best to keep out of our way, they had no qualms about turning every victim they killed, which resulted in hordes of zompires.  Vampires, you know - so, still evil.  They'd found a way to commit mayhem without getting caught themselves.  That's why my kids looked like mini Madonna groupies no matter where they went.  A good crucifix was more than just a fashion statement.

 

Because there was not much need for us, very few girls were still active Slayers.  Well, I should call the Slayers women now, since new ones were no longer called, and we'd all aged. Even the youngest of us was over 20 now.  Faith remained active, of course.  Without a real call for watchers, the Watcher's Council had mutated into something new, a kind of bridge between the demon community and the humans.  Andrew, of all people, was the head of it.  It still made me giggle. 

 

I had become one of the new Council's first experts.  That was an even bigger giggle, but hey, it paid well, and I did have the experience.  It was a way to honor my calling without being in danger's way.  Andrew had insisted I get my degree in communications, and my official title was Liaison to the Demon Republic of America. 

 

As the Head Slayer, still known as "Chosen One, The" in demonic circles, the demons gave me respect and ceded to my authority.  I settled disputes over territory and promoted understanding of ‘cultural' differences with our demonic allies.  Angel's old friends Lorne and Gunn had helped us get started on the various treaties negotiated with the different demon clans.  Gunn remained a part of our organization, but Lorne had returned to his true calling, running a night club.

 

Hoping to prevent future misunderstandings and catastrophes, the government had reached out to me, looking to hire me as an expert in demonology and supernatural relations.  It had come as quite a shock when the government agents had appeared on my doorstep six years ago.  With visions of the Initiative in my head, I had laughed in their faces, but Bob had taken to it like a fish to water.  He'd been the supernatural expert for the SFPD for the past several years anyhow, so this wasn't that big a step up for him.  My own personal Spooky Mulder.

 

So here we were, spending a month in the capital on Uncle Sam's dime.  I wondered how long it would take to visit every part of the Smithsonian.

 

***

 

When Billy took Annie to go swim in the pool, Bob and I had our first real chance to talk since Colorado.  At first we just looked at each other, but it didn't last long.  I'd made it our policy to always be completely honest with each other, especially when honesty was likely to be painful.  I wasn't going to let this marriage fail.

 

Bob got right to heart of the matter.  "If that was Spike, what does it mean for us?"

 

I didn't answer immediately.  Of course, I'd been thinking about it non-stop for the last two days, but I wanted to make sure it came out right.  I'd had a lot of practice, but words and Buffy still didn't always work out like I hoped.

 

What _did_ I want?  Those months I had spent with Spike, waiting for the birth of our son, were the happiest months of my life.  Spike was my other half.  There was no other way to put it.  Bob knew it, knew our history.  When Spike had disappeared, I had gone crazy, and Bob had been right there, seeing me with the crazy.  If it hadn't been for my son, this part of Spike that I still had, I don't know what would have happened to me.

 

As is always the case, time passed, and eventually, I was able to see that there was life to live.  It took years and years, but I moved on.  Detective Dowling turned into Bob, and his steady devotion turned him into my husband.  It wasn't the wild passion I'd had with Spike, but it was still love, honest and solid.  We had a home, a life, and a family.  I couldn't break it up, even for Spike.  I didn't want to.

 

"If it was Spike, he wasn't all there," I began.  "I don't think it's just a memory loss... he seemed... empty.  Something between a vampire and a zompire.  What do you think?"

 

"Dunno.  Didn't spend much time observing, really.  I knocked into him, you fainted, he ran away".

 

"Hmm.  When I came up to him, he was just... sniffing the children.  He didn't seem to be threatening them in anyway.  It was like he was confused.  The same way he seemed before he... left".

 

"Like one of the less smart demons?  A retarded vampire?"

 

I whapped Bob with a giggle.  "That's not PC.  Mentally challenged vampire".  I sighed.  "Like he was a puppy that couldn't remember who you were.  Although if that were the case, how would he have survived all these years?  Was it something about Billy that seemed familiar to him, so he didn't mindlessly attack?" 

 

The questions whirled, unanswered.  "My head hurts," I whined.

 

Bob opened his arms and I snuggled in.  "If Spike is out there," I continued, "it doesn't change anything between us.  You're my husband and I love you".  My voice hitched a little at the end.  _You love Spike more_ a traitorous thought whispered to me.  _Not more, just different_ I whispered back.  "You know my motto.  Our family comes first, always".

 

"But?" he asked.  He knew me better than that.

 

"I have to find him.  Help him.  Billy knows you love him and you're his daddy, but Spike's his father.  Besides... it's Spike.  He deserves our help".

 

"Yeah, he does".  I'd forgotten that Bob had been Spike's friend first.  "What if he's dangerous, though?  If he's... challenged...," his face twisted in a grimace, "who know what he'll be like".

 

"Or he could be totally fine, and just cautious," I said hopefully. 

 

We both knew that wasn't true though.  Spike might have convinced himself to stay away from me for my good, but if he had his memories, there was no way he could stay away from his son.  While I was still pregnant, we hadn't been a hundred percent positive that the baby was his, since such a conception was all but an impossibility, though Spike hadn't cared.  He'd told me he would love the baby no matter what, but I could see how the prospect of fatherhood affected him.  He was over the moon.  The possibility that he could be having a child of his own became his new reason for everything. 

 

Bob kissed me tenderly, then asked "So what are we going to do to find him?"

 

***

 

_Screams echo through the early morning air.  All around me I smell blood and smoke.  I collapse onto the fire escape, shaking, alone.  The spaceship hovers in front of me, Bug One (or maybe Bug Three, it's hard to tell) in the open door, gesturing frantically.  "Did you see him?"  I try to ask.  "Do you know where he is?"  I can't force any words out._

_I can hear the others, still inside, moaning, groaning, babbling, but it's hard to make out what they're saying over the screaming.  I wish somebody would shut the screamer up.  Dogs have picked up the cadence, howling in unison.  Heads are poking out of windows, looking for the source of the commotion.  Funny, did they look outside at any point during the battle last night?_

_A contraction wracks my body.  The pain is like nothing I've ever felt.  Maybe the child is part vampire and trying to rip its way out.  I open my mouth to scream, and it amazes me to find out that I'm already screaming._

_Dawn appears in front of me, battered, bruised, and with a broken arm.  I wonder if it broke in the same place as last time.  She's trying to talk to me, but somebody's screaming.  Oh, right, I am.  I clamp my mouth shut.  Now I can hear the noises she's making, but I still don't understand them.  She must realize that I've lost it, because she suddenly slaps me, hard._

_My head rocks back, and then I focus on her face.  "Spike?" I whisper._

_She shrugs helplessly.  "An ambulance is coming.  I think every single one of us needs to go to the hospital"._

_I remember belatedly that there are other people who may be hurt.  "Is anyone... dead?" I croak out._

_"Simone.  A bunch of her people, including four of her ‘Slayers'. Two of ours".  I shut my eyes.  Every day, our band of sisters gets smaller.  Some day, there won't be any of us left._

_"Faith?  The others?"_

_"Hurt, but I think we'll all survive"._

_Another contraction comes.  The pain is incredible.  I'm all screamed out, but I still can't help a desperate moan._

_"Buffy?" comes the concerned question._

_"Baby... now!" I gasp out._

_"Oh god, Buffy, hang on, the ambulance is coming"._

_As if in answer to a prayer, I can hear the sirens in the distance._

_I open my eyes and focus on Bug One, trying to get his attention.  Dawn sees, and motions him to move closer.  The ship nears us, thrusters humming gently.  "Your mission," I pant out, "is to find Spike!"  I've been around the bugs long enough to recognize some of their emotions.  I think this one is pity._

_"Of course, my Queen," he replies.  "Will you be returning to the ship once your larva is done pupating?"  Dawn shudders._

_"Yeah.  In a day or two, most likely".  I manage a weak smile for his sake.  "Thanks".  An ambulance screeches to a stop below, and the ship rises up into the sky._

_As the loaded ambulances roll out, another contraction grips me.  The paramedic urges me to breathe.  A sudden thought worries me.  If Spike doesn't make it to the hospital, who will be my breathing coach?  Overwhelmed, I begin to sob helplessly._

_***_

_It turns out that Willow is my breathing coach.  She is exhausted, but not really hurt, at least compared to the others, so the doctors let her in.  She's good at meditation, and she helps me focus and relax.  It eases the pain somewhat, but not the anguish of my heart._

_In the brief periods between contractions, I beg her to go and find Spike.  "Please Willow, I know you can do it.  Do a locator spell, please!"  She refrains from mentioning that locator spells no longer work, or the reason why they no longer work.  She just hushes me._

_When I don't give up, she tells me she'll take care of it, and leaves.  She comes back soon, and says she's got the coven on it.  I realize that's the best I can ask for, and finally focus on having this baby._

_William Giles Summers is born one hour and twenty-four minutes later.  We'd decided to give the baby my last name.  Spike couldn't exactly prove paternity or claim him as a dependent anyhow._

_When they hand him to me, a perfectly normal boy with ten fingers and ten toes, I burst out sobbing again.  The most devastating event this world has ever seen is Spike missing the birth of his son by only a few hours._

_When the nurse asks me if I want to save the afterbirth, I stare at her like she's dripping in slime.  Willow whispers in my ear that in certain cultures, the mother eats it.  It's very nourishing.  I shudder in disgust.  She mentions pointedly that it can be frozen for later.  I wonder if that means that she thinks Spike is alive._

_I ask to freeze it, of course.  I think it's disgusting, but he'd probably think it was a better than a birthday cake.  A bloody birthday cake.  A frantic giggle escapes me at the pun._

_***_

_Billy and I return to the ship.  Life settles into a routine.  As a new mother, I don't have time to do much, other than take care of Billy and try to co-ordinate search efforts for Spike._

_My friends have all been patched up.  Faith returns to Angel and England.  Dawn and Xander play aunt and uncle, and try to keep my spirits up.  Willow continues with her quest for magic.  She does her best to help find Spike, but as you might expect, it's hard to find a supernatural creature without any supernatural means._

_Detective Dowling spends his days off with me.  He and Spike had been friends, maybe even best friends.  It had been nice to see Spike with a close friend.  Dowling takes Spike's disappearance almost as hard as I do.  He puts out missing persons reports and helps however he can._

_Andrew takes it hard too.  He gets out his Big Board and plans strategies.  It doesn't annoy me as much as it once would have._

_Days pass, and then weeks.  My friends lose their sense of urgency, and start to look at me with pity when I try to rally them.  I can see that, except for Dowling, they're just humoring me now.  Even Andrew.  They have all accepted that Spike is dead._

_One day I'm beseeching Willow to try again.  "Buff," she says, "the spells won't work.  There's nothing more I can do."_

_She hesitates.  "I did have one idea though".  I look at her hopefully, gratefully.  "Spike had this... friend... named Betta George.  He's a telepath, some kind of demon, but the good kind"._

_Spike had mentioned Betta George, but how does Willow know him?_

_She rushes on.  "I've seen George communicate with Spike from across a city.  He should still have his powers.  If we can locate him, maybe he can find Spike?"  She knows I want to question her about this knowledge, but to her relief, I am distracted by this new possibility._

_"Can you make it happen?"  I ask._

_She does.  George doesn't find Spike._

_Bug One starts to respectfully suggest that they need a new mission.  I ignore him._

_Willow's coven makes another breakthrough with magic.  My scythe has unlocked some blah blah blah.  I don't care, other than to ask her if locator spells work yet.  They don't._

_Faith and Angel have been sending huge care packages for the baby and me.  I know it's because she feels guilty that Giles left everything to her, and all I have is the bit of money Spike set aside while I was pregnant - which is rapidly running out.  I try to hate her for having all that security, but I can't.  She almost lost her right arm defending me.  I also realize that I have something - someone - to live for in Billy, and except for Angel (who is_ not _with her like that), she doesn't.  It's a fair trade._

_At Billy's six month birthday party, Dawn quietly suggests that I might want to start looking ahead to my future, and moving on, since I have somebody else to care for.  I smash the cake in her face.  She's not wrong, though._

_Andrew gets me a job with the revamped Watcher's Council, a fore-runner of my future position.  I look into going back to school._

_It is now obvious that Billy is Spike's son.  I'd always wondered if a paternity test would work on a dead man, but it doesn't matter anymore.   Even with the childish, chubby face, it is Spike that stares back at me.  Billy may be fully human, but some vampiric qualities must have carried over.  He seems faster and stronger than the other babies in his playgroup.  I suck it up like a big girl and go to Angel for answers._

_The threat to my welfare seems to be over.  I find a small condo with a patch of grass to move into.  I hand the bug ship and their desire for a mission over to Andrew.  I try to give them to Angel first, but Bug One calls him a poufter with stupid hair and slams the door to the spaceship in his face.  I can't help but laugh._

_I meet Lorne.  I sing for him.  He shakes his head sadly.  "Sorry Goldilocks, I can't give you what you want".  My heart breaks at the name he calls me._

_Illyria comes.  She is enraged to hear that her ‘pet' is missing.  She stalks off to find him, and eventually returns with the pronouncement that he is no longer on this plane of existence.  She declares that if I hadn't destroyed the Seed, she would have been able to cross dimensions and retrieve him.  I break down and cry.  She calls me weak and pathetic.  She informs me that my useless blubbering would have shamed Spike.  I throw her across the street.  She knocks me into a building.  I retaliate, and so does she.  Fortunately, Angel arrives in the nick of time.  He manages to talk her down, and she leaves.  I snap that I had been winning, and ignore him until he goes away._

_When Dowling comes to visit, he is less eager to talk about Spike, and more interested in my day._

_At Billy's first birthday party, I hand Dawn a piece of cake with "Sorry" spelled out on top in Skittles.  She smiles.  Maybe I've begun to accept the inevitable._

_Over the years, I still ask Willow to try again every time another facet of magic is restored.  She does so without complaining.  Betta George is part of the demon council I work with.  I see him a few times a year, and every time he shakes his fishy head before I can even ask._

_I start counting in months instead of days.  I stop twitching every time I hear ‘luv'._

_Dowling becomes Bob, and I learn to love again.  Our family grows, and when Billy turns ten and Annie three, I stop asking Willow if she's got anything new to try._


	4. Chapter 4

"So what are we going to do to find him?"  Bob's voice echoed in my ears.

 

I looked at him sheepishly.  "Um, I kinda already called Willow yesterday?"

 

Bob wasn't surprised.  He knew me too well.  "Figured that, honey.  Question is, what did Willow say?  What's our plan of attack?"

 

"She mentioned she has a few new witchy tricks up her sleeve to try.  I'm going to call Andrew in a few hours, when it's a reasonable time in California, and find out who he can send to Colorado.  I'm hoping Betta George won't mind freezing his gills for a few days, see what he can sense".

 

"How about you?"

 

Of course he knew I'd want to go to.  Whether it was that he loved me that much, or trusted me that much, he had no qualms about letting his wife go off to search for her former... well, not exactly husband, technically, but that's what he was in my heart.  Either way, Robert Dowling was a verifiable saint. 

 

"Maybe just for a day.  It feels a bit rude to ask everybody else to rush out there and not go too".

 

"Thing is Buffy, if it is Spike, maybe we haven't found him after all this time is because he's not really there.  Like, when George makes a call, nobody's home to answer".

 

I considered that.  It was a theory that made sense, but I didn't like the implications.  A Spike with nobody in the driver's seat after 12 years didn't leave much hope for recovery.  On the other hand, it made it easier to forgive him for ditching us.

 

"So what are you saying?  It's not worth trying?"

 

"No, honey, no.  We absolutely should try.  We want to find him, no matter what he's like.  He's in Colorado, or at least he was two days ago.  I only got a brief look, but if that wasn't Spike, it could only have been his evil twin". 

 

That didn't come out as funny as he'd intended.  If Spike was more zompire than vampire, it was likely to be the case.  "What I'm saying is, Spike obviously reacted to Billy.  Recognized something in him.  I bet he would recognize you too".  I thought about the presence watching me from the shadows.  It had definitely been interested in me.  "Maybe you should take the kids and spend some time hanging out, in, uh, whatever that town was.  It might lure him out".

 

"What about you?  I don't want to leave you by yourself".

 

Bob gave me a wry smile.  "Ah, I'm a big boy now.  I can handle creating government policy all by my lonesome".

 

We made love, slow and tender, and the next day I took the kids and went back to Colorado.

 

***

 

Annie wasn't happy to be back at the rest stop.  "I don't wanna see the scary vampire again," she pouted as we got out of the car.  "He was sniffy and weird".

 

"It's daytime, silly," Billy countered.  Five year old mind satisfied, Annie bent down to look at the bits of garbage and rock strewn around the parking lot.  I watched them and wondered if it had been a good idea to bring them here.

 

Billy was, if not happy, then at least satisfied to have come back.  He was positive that the vampire was Spike, and he wanted a chance to know the father that he'd always assumed was dead. 

 

By the time he'd been old enough to understand that he didn't have a father, I had begun to accept that Spike was gone.  The story Billy had always heard about his father was how he had died to save our lives. 

 

He had also always known that his father was a vampire.  Even though I didn't take my kids out slaying, I had never hidden the supernatural world from them.   I wanted them prepared for the dangers other kids were oblivious to.  It had been obvious to even Billy that he was faster and stronger than other kids (although not freakishly so like his Uncle Angel's son, Connor), and he knew that it was because he was a vampire's son.  We knew it wasn't from me, since Robin hadn't inherited any of Nikki's strength.

 

So there had been no need to explain to Billy why we were going back to Colorado.  What had been hard was giving Billy the full truth about what had happened to Spike the day we had thought he'd died.

 

I'd told him during the plane ride, while his sister slept, and had added our theory about how he was possibly ‘mentally challenged', with an internal eye roll at the term, and how we thought that that was the reason we'd never found him.  He'd accepted it easily enough.  "Mom, I could see for myself that the vampire... my dad..." he'd tried out, "had something wrong with him".

 

"You know Dad is your dad, right?" I had added out of a sense of loyalty to Bob.  I didn't want Billy to inadvertently hurt Bob just because he was excited at the prospect of finding Spike.

 

"Yeah, Mom.  You know what I mean.  Do you think I should call him Spike too?" he'd asked in confusion.

 

"No sweetie.  It's up to you what to call him.  I just... you know... Dad loves you a lot, and I don't want you to forget that".  Billy had nodded, and then we'd continued to talk about our plans for finding Spike.

 

And now we were here, standing in the parking lot, waiting for Willow, and wondering what to do. 

 

"Let's go around to where we saw him," I said.  I needed to see if the picture was still there.  It had only been four days since I'd tucked it up under the eaves.  It had felt to me like I'd wedged it into a crack, so I didn't think it could have blown away.  I was confident that if it were gone, it was because whoever had been watching me had taken it. 

 

I pulled over a crate and stood on it, so I could feel along.  My fingers brushed against a small, stiff piece of paper.  The kind that felt just like a wallet photo.  I stepped down off the crate, and sat down, shoulders slumped in dejection.  _It doesn't mean anything_ I tried to console myself.  _Maybe he couldn't find it, or he just didn't grasp what it meant.  If he's damaged like we think, he probably wouldn't have figured out to take it._

 

Soon enough, Willow pulled up with a vanload of people, and I pulled myself together.

 

"Hey Wills, what's the what?" I called out.

 

"Buffy!  You know Carrie and Barb from my coven, right?"

 

We hugged and said hello.  Willow's friends from her coven were always polite and friendly to me, but never quite warm.  I didn't think they would ever forgive me for destroying magic, even if they did manage to restore it completely.

 

I saw Zia, one of the Slayers, climb out of the van, and go around back to open the doors wide.  Betta George floated out slowly.  "Hey George!" I said.  He opened his mouth wider.  I took it as a smile.

 

" _Not here,_ " he said.

 

"I figured," I said tiredly.  "But did you hear our theory about it being Spike's body with his mind out to lunch?"  I said lightly.  "Maybe if you just tried to find anybody around who feels demonic, instead of specifically Spike?" I asked hopefully.

 

" _If he's still around, that might work_ ".

 

"Thanks George".  What more could I ask of him?  I was grateful that nobody was questioning whether it had even been Spike.  If it had just been me, they might have wondered if I had been hoping too hard again.  It had happened in the past, so I didn't fault anybody for doubting me, but once I'd told Willow that both Bob and Billy had thought it was Spike too, there had been no hesitation to come help. 

 

George shivered.  "It's not too cold for you here is it?" I asked him

 

" _I plan on spending the afternoon in the hot tub after we're finished here,_ " he said, with only the slightest trace of sarcasm.

 

I laughed.  "Mmmm, fish stew, sounds good!"  He snorted, and floated off.  The kids stared after him.

 

I turned back to Willow, who was moving into the cover of the trees behind the bathrooms.  "We're going to set up some candles, so I figured it might be better to do it somewhere, you know, not in plain sight," she explained.

 

"What, you think travelers stopping in Nowheresville, Colorado, are going to be freaked out by witches getting their mojo on next to the bathroom?  Yeah, you're probably right," I quipped.  Zia and I followed them into the woods, the kids following cautiously behind.  I stopped and waited for the kids to catch up, then held Annie's hand as we walked on.

 

"Ok, so, Buffy, we can do a sort of locator spell.  It's not specific, but it will show us any non-human entities in the area.  Which will probably work out better if Spike's all non-Spike-like anyhow". 

 

In the intervening years since the destruction of the Seed, Willow had learned how to access the magic that Earth itself was naturally permeated with.  It wasn't nearly as powerful as dark magicks that came from alternate dimensions, but it allowed for a wide range of useful spells.  At first, witches had needed the combination of a magically imbued and powerful artifact, like the scythe, and a wilderness area, to access the power of the Earth.  After some time, any natural location that was steeped in magic, for example Stonehenge, allowed for magic to be accessed.  A few years ago, they had figured out how to use magic in locations where Earth magic flowed innately.  These turned out to be sites that had been sacred to native peoples, such as a deep lake, an unusual rock formation, or the bottom of a steep canyon.

 

Since then, the coven had improved their technique to the point where they could carry out magic anywhere as long as there was an undisturbed area of nature nearby.  So performing magic in the middle of L.A. was not a go, but the woods we were on the edge of were perfect.

 

Barb pulled out a number of topographical maps and lined them up.  "This will cover a radius of about 25 miles.  If Spike is sticking around this area for a reason, then we're hoping this will be wide enough.  If he's already left, though..." she trailed off.

 

"Is there a way to tell if he was here, at least?"

 

Willow frowned.  "Maybe if he left something, like... I dunno, a candy bar wrapper on the ground, or something.  Something he had _owned,_ even if just briefly, I might be able tell if it had been his".

 

I couldn't imagine Spike eating a candy bar, especially not almost-Spike.  I wondered if this version of Spike smoked.  Maybe I could find a little pile of cigarette butts somewhere.  Seeing that the kids were entranced with Willow's activities, I left them, and went back to lean against the building, looking at the woods.  With a guess at where he had been standing in the trees while I showed him the picture, I looked for a tree that I thought he might have been comfortable lurking under.  A search of the area didn't give me anything.

 

The witches were in the middle of their spell, with the kids sitting quietly beside them, so instead of disturbing them, I went around front to where Zia had gone.  She was flipping through a phone book. 

 

She glanced up.  "Look, there's a butcher's shop in the town five miles away from here.  And a small hospital.  If there's a vampire hanging around, he's got to eat.  Whether animal or human, one or the other would give us a clue".

 

My eyes widened.  "Good thinking!"  I hoped he hadn't been eating humans these last twelve years, but would he have been with it enough to purchase blood?  I didn't think so. 

 

George floated over to us.  " _There's a nest of Krupkattar demons in the forest, about 10 miles away.  They were not happy with me.  They threatened to eat me.  Do you intend to slay them_?"

 

"Cupcake demons?  Are they dangerous?" I asked.

 

" _I would suspect that they are more dangerous to telepathic fish than they are to humans.  Although I am hoping it was merely the shock of hearing me speak in their minds that made them so rude_ ".

 

"Ah.  We should be good then.  Nothing else?"

 

" _There is a small number of humanoid demons and half-breeds in the surrounding community.  Nothing unusual or that I couldn't identify._ "

 

"Do you think any of them would be willing to help us?"

 

" _I did ask if a vampire had been in this area.  There are five confirmations that a vampire has been sighted within the last month, although nobody has seen him in the last four days.  Two of the demons say they interacted with him, and that he was a damaged vampire.  He did not engage them in any way.  He just stared at them, until they left.  They questioned the sanity of a sire who would turn a... retarded... human_ ".

 

It was something.  It corroborated our theory that Spike wasn't all there.  I wondered just what had happened to him, to make him like this.  Was it because of the magical spider amulet that had attached to his neck, or had something else occurred in the meantime?

 

"Buffy!"  Willow came around the corner.  "We have a number of entities marked on the map.  It would work best if you looked at it before we move it".  George and I turned to head back with her.

 

"I'll see if the people working here noticed anything," Zia called.  I gave her a big thumbs-up.  That girl was impressing me.

 

Back in the woods, Willow and I hunkered down and looked at the map.  "There are twelve locations marked here," she began, "so what we need to do is identify each one and eliminate the possibility of Spike-ness".

 

" _I have communicated with most of the demons nearby.  I can help to narrow it down,_ " George said.

 

"Great!"  Willow and George looked at the map.  For every glowing green location that George could identify as a demon he was aware of, Willow erased the spot.  Finally she was left with two.  One way out in the middle of nowhere, and one apparently very close to us.

 

"I'm guessing this one out in the wilderness is probably nothing to worry about.  There's really nothing out there, or even any way to get out there," she postulated. 

 

"Heh, yeah, probably minding its own demon-y business living in a cave," I added.  "Hey, maybe it's the abominable snowman!"

 

" _It might be.  They're not actually demonic, but neither are they human.  I wouldn't have picked it up, but the spell would have_ ".

 

"Next you'll tell me there's a leprechaun with him," I said sarcastically.

 

" _There's no such thing as leprechauns,_ " George said seriously.  " _Oh, I get it.  But there really are abominable snowmen"._

 

"You learn something new every day!  I think we should focus on this one," I pointed to the spot that looked to be where we were standing.  "It's a little too close for comfort.  Funny, though, I don't sense anything".  I peered around, and looked up in the trees, wondering where a demon could be hiding.

 

George suddenly floated into my line of sight, up in the trees.  " _Boo!_ "

 

I turned red.  "Oh.  Yeah".  The witches laughed.  I scowled at them.  "It's easy to forget.  Giant floating guppy doesn't scream demonic".

 

" _Hey!  Betta, not guppy!_ "

 

I gave George a grin to let him know I was teasing.  "Well, let's get the Betta back to the hotel and into the hot tub.  Ready to go kids?" 

 

Annie nodded, and sidled up to George, laying a small hand on him.  "Can I swim with George?" she asked.  I looked at him. 

 

" _Only if you're gentle with my fins,_ " he answered.  Annie nodded solemnly.  George began to float toward the van, Annie and Billy trailing him. 

 

The witches were packed and ready to go.  "Sorry, Buffy," Willow said.  It doesn't look like he's here".

 

We walked back to the front arm-in-arm.  "Thanks for trying Wills".

 

"Eh, it's no big.  Besides, I told the girls you would treat them to a ski day at the resort for their troubles".

 

We all got into our vehicles.  The van started off.  I turned the key, then turned it back.  "Be back in a second, I forgot something," I told the kids.

 

I ran back to the crate, and stood on it.  If Spike hadn't taken the picture by now, he never would.  I wanted it back.  I grabbed it and realized it wasn't my photo, but an appointment reminder card for a doctor's office.  I frowned.  Someone else must have stuck it up there, but why?  I felt around some more, but couldn't find the photo.  Had it blown away?  Had Spike taken it after all?

 

I walked back, and stretched to toss the card into the garbage, when I realized it looked vaguely familiar.  Gazing at it more closely, I realized it looked familiar because the name and logo on top belonged to the OB-GYN that I had gone to when I was pregnant with Billy. 

 

Well that was of the weird.  How had an appointment card from San Francisco ended up in the eaves of a rest stop way out here?

 

It was then that the date struck me.  The appointment had been set for one week before Billy's birth. 

 

This reminder card had been made for me.

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Mom?" Billy asked.

 

I don't know how long I had been standing there. I shook my head and showed him the card. "Your father was here," I replied a little breathlessly. His face scrunched in confusion. I waved the card. "This must have been in his pocket. He was here," I repeated.

 

Billy smiled, that beautiful smile of Spike's shining on his face. He even bounced on his toes just like Spike would have. "So, what, then? What now?" he asked.

 

I raced back to the car with him on my heels. "We give this to Willow," I laughed. So what if Spike was no longer in the area. It was him. He was alive, and if not all together there, aware enough to take our picture and leave us a clue. We'd be together again soon!

 

***

 

Three days later, we weren't any closer to finding Spike. I wasn't concerned though. I figured he had moved on, most likely working his way to San Francisco, and we'd meet there. Meanwhile, we'd had our ski day at the resort. Annie had taken one look at the slopes and decided to spend the day in the playroom. Billy had learned to ski in a matter of minutes, and he and I had had a blast racing each other down the hills. Sometimes it was nice to have a kid with enhanced coordination.

 

Annie found she loved to ‘play' with George in the hot tub. He put up with it graciously. When our mini-vacation was up, he was more than ready to head back home, though. "I have to admit that I am happy to not be involved in raising my offspring. The advantages of being a fish," he remarked.

 

Willow confirmed that the card had indeed been in Spike's possession. I didn't need the verification, but she said that it would make it easier to try to track him. The news left me with a smile so wide, it felt like my face would split open.

 

Zia had been a remarkable resource. We were pretty sure that in his time in the area, Spike had not fed off humans. Confusingly, though, he had neither bought nor stolen blood from the butcher or the hospital. We knew it was too long to go without feeding. What was he eating?

 

The mystery was unsolved, and it was our final morning. We were at the local diner getting breakfast. Willow and her crew were set to head back west. The kids and I were going to drive to Denver and catch a plane back to Washington. I had thought about going straight home in case Spike was already there, but I felt bad leaving Bob alone on what was meant to be a month's working vacation with the kids. The solution was simple. Dawn was going to tape a copy of the same photo I'd given Spike to the back door, as an indication he was in the right place. Then she would check on our house every evening, looking for a sign that he had arrived.

 

Large stacks of pancakes were being heartily devoured when an overheard conversation brought us to a sudden stop. A rancher who had just walked in yelled loudly across the room. "Hey Earl, you had anymore of them vampire bats draining your cattle lately?" he guffawed.

 

Our eyes connected across the table, and we turned slightly to hear the response. "You seen them shows on Animal Planet," Earl growled. "T'was just like it. I come to find my calf lowing, with a big ‘ole wound on its neck. Vet said the only thing wrong was blood loss. Calf rightened up in a day".

 

Another rancher joined in. "We had that happen to half grown piglet few weeks back. Was the darndest thing I ever saw".

 

"Be one mighty big bat, leave a wound like that," the original rancher scoffed. "Plus, what, them vampire bats emigrating here now? Like the climate better, you think?"

 

"Never said it was a vampire bat, Hank," Earl replied. "T'weren't no normal wild animal though".

 

Was this the answer to the puzzle? Willow and I giggled. It would be true to form for Spike. He never could manage to be a conventional vampire.

 

The discussion continued. "My brother in Iowa told me about a rash of attacks on the livestock ‘round him a few months ago," a woman contributed. "Sounds about the same".

 

Willow and I ran to the woman's room at the same time. We shut the door and burst into laughter. "So, we just need to follow the trail of snort livestock attacked by snort vampire bats..." she was laughing too hard to continue.

 

"And it should lead us right to William the Bloody Big Vampire Bat!" I gasped uncontrollably.

 

We finally calmed down, dousing our faces with cold water to erase the tears streaming down our cheeks. "Well, at least I know he isn't evil again," I said.

 

"But, would it be evil if he doesn't know what he's doing?" Willow countered. "It would just be, like, you know, instinct to feed. Not evil".

 

"True. But apparently irrelevant". The day couldn't get any better. The weight of worrying about how many people Spike might have killed over the years dropped from my shoulders. It wasn't just the lives he might have taken that worried me. If he ever came back to his senses, it would devastate him as well. 

 

And, oh Billy had to be thrilled too! I hurried back to make sure he understood what we'd heard. The grin he gave me when I reached the table reassured me he'd already figured it out.

 

***

 

Our remaining time in DC was fantastic. The cherry blossoms were in bloom. The Smithsonian was incredible. The president met with us personally and took a photograph with our family, Annie shyly holding the First Lady's hand and sucking her thumb. Bob was satisfied with the work he'd done. Billy was old enough to babysit, and we spent several romantic evenings out, enjoying the Capital.

 

Our drive back home was far less rushed. Spring was in full swing across the country, and we made the most of our time, stopping here and there to enjoy the sights. Without even discussing it, we took a completely different route home, bypassing the fateful rest stop. There was no need to go back. We knew Spike was on his way home.

 

It was a little disappointing to come home and find that there had been no sign of Spike. The photo remained taped to the back door. I didn't worry too much. Who knew how long it would take him to make his way to us? I hadn't given him an address, just the city. Now I wished that I had, but oh well. Spike had always managed to find me before, even from across the galaxy and through dimensions. I had faith in him.

 

Dawn and Xander came over the next day, bringing their children. Our kids spent the weekend at their house, where Billy and Annie regaled them with stories of our adventures in DC and Colorado. When we picked our kids up, Anya, nine, and ever-blunt like her namesake, wished us luck in finding Spike despite the inconvenience an incapacitated vampire would cause our household. Joyce, only three, threw a tantrum when Dawn told her she couldn't have a George fish of her own.

 

Billy returned to school the next week with a hero's welcome for having missed so much school. Meeting the president didn't garner him nearly as much attention. Annie, pleased with the reaction she'd gotten from her cousin Joyce, told her class about Betta George at every opportunity. The teacher called me in for a conference regarding the difficulties her over-active imagination was causing. We had to have another discussion with her on the subject of why we didn't tell others about our friends who were a little bit different.

 

As I was making breakfast one morning, a sudden though occurred to me. "Billy, Annie, if you see Spike before Daddy or me, don't invite him in, ok?"

 

"Who's Spike?" Annie asked.

 

"The sniffy vampire," Billy reminded her. She was so young, we hadn't explained to her about Billy's father yet. I guessed we would need to soon.

 

"Oh. I didn't like him. Why would we want to invite him in? He's a vampire. That's wrong". It was hard to argue with that. She'd been well-trained.

 

"He's a nice vampire, honey. Like Uncle Angel. He doesn't want to hurt you," I explained.

 

"But we don't invite Uncle Angel in because sometimes nice vampires can forget they're so strong and hurt you by accident. They have to stay outside," she recited.

 

"That's right honey. And Spike has to follow the same rules if he comes to visit".

 

"Ok," she said, and promptly ran off. Billy needed more of an explanation. He knew the real reason Angel was never invited in.

 

"Is it because Father isn't in his right mind?" he asked. I had to smother a giggle. He sounded like a little watcher. Doubtless Billy's father had sounded exactly like that as a child, with the addition of a British accent. He'd decided to call Spike ‘Father' because it wouldn't take away from Bob, but still acknowledged his relationship with Spike.

 

"Yeah, son," I said. "Spike would never hurt us, whether he has a soul or not, so we don't have to worry about that. But we don't know how much control he has over his behavior. Until we know more, it's just safer".

 

"Where would he stay?"

 

"That's one of the things I'm working on. I don't really know yet". I'd considered a number of options. My hope was that I could find a basement apartment nearby. Our neighborhood was all houses, so I didn't know how much luck I would have.

 

I wondered if we could convert our own basement into an apartment. I'd have to ask Xander. And then I worried about whether a basement apartment would count as a separate residence. Would living in our basement be like giving Spike an invite to the rest of our home? I hoped Angel would know.

 

Spike's lodgings were just one of the many things I needed to accomplish that week. Bob and I had returned to a stack of work that seemed a mile high. Things were so hectic, none of us had time to breathe.

 

In the back of my mind, one thought sustained me through the chaos. Spike was coming home.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time the next weekend arrived, things were back to their usual pace at the Dowling residence.  Saturday night, when I went to say goodnight to Billy, I found him pouring over the drawings of Spike that he kept in his bedside table.

 

"I recognized him right away," Billy said.  "He had this scar on his eyebrow," he touched the scar on the picture softly.  "His cheeks looked exactly like this," he continued.

 

I sat down next to my son and stroked his still childish cheekbones.  "Just like yours," I murmured.  "His hair curls too, like yours.  All the time I knew him, it was bleached blond, but it was naturally brown, like this".  I pulled out another drawing, one of how Spike had looked as William, recently turned.

 

"And Uncle Angel really drew all these from memory?" Billy asked in amazement.

 

My fingertips ghosted over a drawing of Spike and I together, my belly large, our eyes locked on each other, faces glowing with joy.  "He really did," I answered.

 

***

 

_I stand at the door, waiting for someone to answer my knock.  "Hey, B," Faith says nonchalantly, not showing any surprise that I am on her doorstep unannounced.  She raises her eyes to the ship hovering nearby.  "You and the kid have a good flight?"_

_I wave my hand at the ship.  "These bugs know their stuff," I reply just as casually.  I set Billy down, and he toddles inside ahead of me._

_Faith stares.  "Isn't he only, like, eight months old?" she asks.  "Even I know he shouldn't be doing that"._

_"And hence the visit," I reply.  "I'm hoping the only other vampire who is known to have fathered a child might have some answers"._

_She grunts.  "If you ever see Blondie again, don't tell him I said this, but he sure likes to follow in Granddaddy's footsteps"._

_"What, just ‘cause he fights on the side of good, has a soul, fathered a son while a vampire, and is helplessly in love with me, you think he's just like Angel?" I joke._

_She grins.  "Nah.  He never could figure out how to brood properly"._

_"And speaking of...?"_

_"In his bat cave, sleeping.  S'time he got his lazy ass up anyhow.  Be nice when you wake him up.  He's likely to have a heart attack when he see's you're actually going to acknowledge his existence"._

_I give her a guilty half smile.  "Last time he turned evil and tried to bring on an apocalypse, I sent him to hell, where he spent hundreds of years in torment before he was freed.  I figure he's getting off easy this time"._

_"Touché, B.  Guess we better make sure you two stay out of each other's pants then.  I've been enjoying our lack of world-ending horror these last years"._

_"Me too," I sigh.  "Me too"._

_"Give me the kid.  You go have your talk".  I eye her.  "What?" she asks defensively.  "It can't be too hard to take care of a kid if you're doing it!  I'm just gonna let him play in my weapons room while I clean my swords"._

_She holds her hands up and laughs at my look.  "Naw, we're gonna go outside and look at bugs and rocks and shi... shtuff," she amends.  "It'll be cool".  She squats down next to my son and takes his hand.  "Whaddya say, Junior, you wanna go outside with your Auntie Faith and look for butterflies?"_

_Billy tugs her along gleefully.  "He's really fast, so you have to watch him!"  I call out.  She waves me off._

_I make my way to Angel's room, and stand in the doorway watching him sleep.  He looks good.  His hair is longer than I remember, and ungelled, so it falls over his eyes.  I cross to sit on the edge of the bed, and brush his hair off his forehead.  Spike's epithet of ‘Captain Forehead' echoes in my mind, and my chest tightens._

_Angel doesn't move.  I lay my hand on his should and shake him gently.  "Angel, wake up," I whisper._

_His eyes pop open.  "Buffy?" he asks hoarsely, unbelievingly._

_"Yup," I reply softly.  Angel remains perfectly still.  His eyes are fixed on me like I might disappear if he blinks.  I wonder idly if vampires need to blink.  Maybe they could go forever without blinking if they wanted to.  The thought creeps me out, and I scoot to the end of the bed, away from his unblinking eyes._

_He stirs and sits up, then looks down at his hands.  "Buffy," he repeats, as if he doesn't know what else to say.  He probably doesn't._

_"Yeah.  I figured it was time," I tell him gently.  He turns those puppy dog eyes on me, and I just want to hold him and make it better.  I wonder why I always feel the need to treat him so carefully and tenderly.  I would have never been this nice with Spike.  Hell, I probably would have opened the conversation with a punch to the nose._

_I wonder what would happen if I punched Angel in the nose right now.  He'd look at me with wounded eyes and tell me how he deserved it, most likely.  It would take the fun out it.  At least Spike knew how to have a good brawl.  My heart clenches again, and I stand up, trying to shake off the grief._

_Angel misinterprets my look of despair as meant for him, and begins to apologize.  I cut him off abruptly, not wanting to hear it despite my desire to mend our rift.  "Look, I have some questions about my son, and I'm hoping you can answer them, since you've already done the vampire offspring thing"._

_"Sure," he answers cautiously.  "It's like I explained to Spike, though, you have to remember that Connor had two vampire parents.  It's not the same situation"._

_I wave my hand dismissively.  "Well, it must be close enough because Billy  - wait, huh?  You explained to Spike what when?" I ask in confusion.  He never told me he'd talked to Angel about this.  Or that he'd talked to Angel at all._

_Angel evades my look.  "He didn't tell you he was visiting me?" he asks in a small voice._

_I narrow my eyes and glare at him.  You'd think these vampires would know better than to keep secrets from me by now._

_He gives a long suffering sigh.  "When he first found out, he was kinda freaked, Buffy," he says.  I gape at him.  "Not like that!  He wanted to have a baby with you so badly.  He was ecstatic, really.  But he needed to know how I'd handled becoming a father after decades of being a serial killer.    He was scared he would lose control and harm his child, or screw up because deep down he was just a demon"._

_This is news to me.  Spike had never mentioned these fears. I feel bad that he hadn't thought he could share them with me, but grateful to Angel for being there._

_"I... I gave him what help I could, but it wasn't much.  I loved Connor with everything I had, but in the end I failed him".  He laughs ruefully.  "These last few years, Connor was actually closer to Spike than he is to me"._

_I shrug.  "Yeah, but the whole mess wasn't really your fault, I thought.  That Hertz guy kidnapped Connor and turned him against you.  How could you be blamed for that?"_

_"Any which way, I told Spike not to worry about it.  When it comes to the really important things, he's always had better self-control than me.  I told him he'd be a good father because deep down he was a good man, and not a demon at all"._

_I freeze, and then burst out into uncontrollable sobbing.  It would have been exactly what Spike had needed to hear.  Angel puts his arms around me and lets me cry it out.  Eventually my tears subside.  "Thanks," I snuffle.  "For taking care of him"._

_Angel looks embarrassed.  "It was the only way to get rid of him," he says gruffly._

_I move away and wipe my eyes.  Angel glances down at his soaked and snotty shirt, then pulls it off and puts on a new one._

_"And back to the original question," I say to break the silence, "just how freaky is my child going to be?"_

_"I'm sure that whatever you've noticed by now is what you're going to get.  It's not like he's half-demon or something," Angel replies.  "I'm pretty sure he won't suddenly develop powers when he reaches puberty.  What do you think is different?"_

_"He's faster, and stronger than the other kids.  Physically, he's way ahead.  He's walking already, and he's not supposed to do that for another four months, at least"._

_"That's how it was with Connor," Angel muses.  "I don't know about the rest of his childhood, but as a baby he was exceptionally strong and alert.  And now he's pretty much like any other kid.  If you don't count being stronger, faster, and better with weapons than any human should be.  And he has really good hearing".  Angel stops and thinks.  "Connor's kind of scary, actually," he finishes with a slightly frightened look._

_One look at me tells him he's said the wrong thing.  "But Billy won't be, trust me.  He's not the impossible but prophesied child of two of the blood thirstiest vampires in history.  He just got a bit of a... power boost... from Spike.  Probably"._

_I sigh.  How can we know what will happen?  It's not like there's a section in Spock's baby book on how to raise semi-vampiric offspring, ‘cause this is so not a common occurrence._

_"Buffy... I want to be there for you.  If you'll let me. I know it's got to be hard doing this on your own"._

_"Not really on my own," I say a bit harshly._

_"That's not what I meant.  I mean, with Spike... missing.  I'm sure you'll come up with other questions, and maybe I could visit and... answer them," he says hopefully._

_As long as he's all souled up, Angel is really a pretty good guy.  What happened with Twilight was as much my fault as his.  I should quit punishing him._

_"You want to meet Billy?" I inquire._

_"He's here?" he asks in surprise_

_"In the garden with Faith".  He looks slightly alarmed.  "Yeah, that was my reaction at first, but she seemed good.  I'll go find them"._

_When we come back inside, Angel's mouth drops in shock.  "He's a little William!" he gasps in wonder.  Billy happily climbs onto his lap and pastes a slobbery kiss all over his face.  The broody vampire actually giggles.  "I missed this," he says.  "With Connor.  I missed seeing him grow up"._

_That cinches my decision.  "I'd like it if we hung out more often," I tell him.  Neither of us points out that visiting at all would be more often._

_As we're leaving, Angel stares into Billy's face again.  "It's incredible," he says.  "Could he be a clone?"_

_I laugh.  "In our world?  Anything's possible"._

_I look at Billy too, and my eyes well up with tears again.  Everybody who knew Spike remarks on the similarity, but if we can't find his father, Billy will never get to see it for himself.  And I don't even have any pictures of Spike to show him.  The stupid vampire could never hold still long enough to take a picture that wasn't blurry.  I tell Angel as much._

_"I'll draw you some," he says quickly.  "I'll draw you pictures of Spike, and then next time we see each other, I'll give them to you".  It's like he's offering me a bribe to make sure we'll meet again._

_My mind races, but I choose my words carefully, slowly.  "You know, I live on a freaking spaceship.  There's no reason I can't park it in your back yard for a few days, since I'm on holiday right now.  Would that be ok?"_

_Angel's face almost loses its hangdog look.  It's worth it just for that.  "Yeah," he says bashfully.  "That would be ok"._

_The next evening, after I've spent the day at the zoo with Billy, we're walking in Giles' gardens.  Technically it's Faith's gardens now, but I can't call it that.  Billy has outgrown his pram, but he's sound asleep, and we're using the pram as a mobile crib.  We come to a bench and sit, the moonlight shining brightly.  If I were the me of ten years ago, I would be quaking in my stylish-yet-affordable boots at the perfectly romantic setting I now find myself in with the one-time man of my dreams._

_With more drama than is strictly necessary, Angel opens the small portfolio he's been carrying, and pulls out the first penciled portrait.  It's the trademark Spike look: gelled back bleach blond hair, leather duster, aggravating smirk.  "Ah, such a classic look never goes out of style," I wisecrack, but I smile broadly all the same._

_Angel chuckles, and brings out another portrait, this one a close-up of his face, much as he had looked the day he had disappeared._

_I sigh and lean against Angel's shoulder.  "I miss him so much".  Funny how I always manage to play these two vampires off each other.  Why did I think Angel would want to hear that?  He probably wants to hear it as much as Spike had wanted to hear about the great Space Frak.  Stupid, stupid Buffy._

_Angel doesn't react though, at least not like I expect.  "I miss him too," he says.  Huh now?_

_"In the end... we were family.  Not the kind that's going to be going over to each other's house for dinner on the weekend..." -(and here my mind inserts a photo of the two of them at a dinner table with bowls of blood)- "but I was proud of him.  Proud to see how devoted he was to you and the baby.  ‘Cause if it couldn't be me, and god was I jealous that it couldn't be me, at least it was William"._

_Well whoodda thunk it?  I guess we didn't need a locked room and some kind of oil after all.  They patched it up on their own._

_Coming to see Angel is the best decision I've made it a long time.  My aching heart feels soothed._

_For the next few days, our visits continue.  Angel gives me a drawing with Spike, mostly black and white sketches, others colored in with watercolors, and usually, a story to go with them.  For the first time, I'm learning all there is to know about Spike's past.  At least, all Angel knows.  Evil Spike, Good Spike, I don't care; I want to hear it all.   It's the best gift Angel could have given me._

_By the time I am ready to  leave, I have in my possession pictures of:  Spike, vamped out and confused, sticking out of Angel's desk (Spike re-corporalizing at Wolfram and Hart);  Spike with a look of steely determination, coat arcing behind him as he swings a sword (a battle in LA);  Spike with slicked back jet-black hair, sporting a coat with the Nazi symbol on the arm (World War II);  Spike covered in blood and gore, long curly hair pulled back in a pony tail (Angel refuses to give me that story)._

_There are more:  Spike lounging in a chair at the Playboy mansion, surrounded by beautiful demon women (jealousy alert!).  Spike in a brawl with a London mob.  Spike in China, strutting after killing his first Slayer.  There's no holding back._

_My favorite is one which shows a freshly-sired William.  He looks like a proper Victorian gentleman, and according to Angel he had been, despite becoming a vampire.  Spike had scoffed at his poncy Victorian human self, but to hear Angel talking about how considerate and proper young William the Bloody could be was just plain weird._

_"I tried so hard to erase that man," Angel says.  "It wasn't fitting for a vampire to act that way.  He was embarrassing".  He catches himself.  "I mean..." he trails off._

_"Don't," I say.  "It happened.  Let's all agree to stop whining about it".  Angel looks startled.   "Spike actually has a pillow with that embroidered on it, if you can believe it," I tell him._

_"Oh, I can".  We laugh together._

_"You really remember how he looked so long ago?" I ask in wonder._

_"Believe me, Spike is hard to forget".  That may be the truest thing I've ever heard._

_Billy and I head back to our lives in San Francisco, but we spend a few days every month in London, adding to our hand-drawn photo album.  Sometimes Angel includes a drawing of me or Billy.  The first time creeps me out a little, as I flashback to Evil Angelus leaving a sketch of me sleeping on my pillow, but I get over it._

_Angel seems to look forward to seeing Billy as much as anything else.  I figure he's getting a second chance to see what it would have been like to watch Connor grow up.  It makes me sad for Spike, and I vow to videotape Billy more._

_When I move off the bug ship and into a condo, we visit less frequently.  Sometimes Angel meets me in San Fran.  I always meet him away from my place.  As much as I trust Angel, I don't.  If he ever loses his soul again, I know one of the first things he'll do is come after Billy.  And there will be no way to re-soul him this time.  He's not welcome in my house._

_There's another reason I don't invite him home.  Angel and I have been growing closer.  There's no way to deny it.  A part of me thinks it's just the comfort Angel offers, and a part of me thinks it's the nostalgia factor.  Unrequited longing has ever been our thing.  Either which way, I'm not sure I can trust myself with Angel in my home.  I'm starting to enjoy his embrace too much for comfort.  No matter how you slice it, Angel kissage would be of the bad.  This Buffy knows better than to go down that road again.  I'm twice bitten and permanently shy, baby._

_And then there are the vibes I've been getting from Dowling lately.  Even though I don't intend to have a relationship with either hopeful suitor, no matter which one of them I'm with, I feel like a two-timing ho.  Three-timing when I really want to be nasty about it.  I'm still holding out hope that Spike will show up soon._

_So on the night that Angel kisses me on my porch when we say goodbye, I freak.  I launch into a convoluted explanation of all the reasons we can't kiss, but he shushes me._

_"I know, Buffy.  Trust me, I know".  He's got his worst kicked puppy look going.  "You know how much I love you, and god this is déjà vu, isn't it?"_

_I gulp.  I know what's coming next.  "I can't do this anymore," he continues.  "These last few months have been a dream, but I can't be with you the way I want..." he trails off.  "I'm weak, Buffy.  I'm sorry"._

_"I don't think I can come to Billy's birthday party," he whispers.  Billy will be two in a month.  "It's just too hard"._

_Billy will be devastated.  I'm angry at Angel for being so selfish._

_He hands me a picture.  It shows Spike and me standing on the deck of his ship.  My hands are on my belly, which is so large I look like I've swallowed a basketball.  Spike has his hand over mine.  We're gazing at each other, radiant.  The love between us is obvious.  I look up at Angel, questioning._

_"You two had come by to see Faith.  I was inside, watching you".  He looks down at the picture, traces the expression on my sketched face.  "You've never looked at me this way, Buffy"._

_I feel like I should deny it.  Maybe give a speech about cookies.  But I don't.  What can I say?  It's true._

_Angel grasps my chin and gently tips my face up.  He leaves a lingering kiss on my forehead.  "It's ok, though.  William is the one who deserves your love.  He's always been the better man"._

_When my eyes are no longer too blurry to see, Angel has faded off into the night._


	7. Chapter 7

Spike didn't come home soon.

 

We were all set for him.  We converted the basement into an apartment with an outside entrance, and bricked over the stairwell inside.  Once he arrived, we intended to clear out all the things we had stored down there.

 

We confirmed that a vampire invited into the basement could not enter the rest of the house.  The way we figured it out was squicky, but it was all in the name of science.  Or magic.  Or something.   

 

Billy got to take credit for the idea.  We tasered a zompire and brought it home.  When it came to, I stood at the door to the new apartment and did my best easy prey impression.  It followed me through the door and into the basement without any problem.  Phase one was complete.  Then I escaped past it, and waited at our front door.  This time, when the zompire rushed me, it bounced right off the mystical barrier.  Billy shot it with a crossbow bolt straight to the heart, and it dusted. 

 

Our theory was confirmed.  Spike could live in the basement without us having to worry.  Until then, the kids were only allowed to go in the basement during the day.  They turned it into a clubhouse, so at least the space was used.

 

Several months had passed, and now I was starting to worry.  I spent half my time angry that he was being so typically annoying, and half the time worried that something had happened to him.

 

I scoured the internet looking for stories about livestock being attacked, hoping for a clue to his whereabouts.  I called most of large animal vets in a 500 mile radius, giving them a cock-and-bull story about a research paper, asking them to contact me if they treated any livestock with neck wounds and blood loss.  Nobody called me.

 

I began to hound Willow and George for answers again.  They had none.

 

On the 147th day since we'd last seen him, I refused to leave the house.  On the 149th, I finally gave in.  I suppose the PTB only found it funny once.

 

When I wasn't alternating between begging the PTB to send Spike back to me and cursing them for the misery they had caused, I pondered what might happen if Spike ever did show up.

 

Before now, I hadn't really thought about it.  I had been too preoccupied with following the next step in getting our lives ready for him.  But what did that really mean?  What kind of role would Spike play in our lives?

 

As long as he remained ‘challenged' as we liked to call it, it was simple.  He'd live with us, we'd take care of him, and we'd search for a way to cure him.

 

It was the curing him that was problematic.  Challenged, I figured it would be like keeping a pet.  Ok, so that was... all kinds of strange... and how horrible a person was I to be thinking like that?  But.  He wouldn't be any threat to my marriage, and so there was nothing to worry about.  At least, that was what I hoped.  A small part of me thought that it would be easier on us all if Spike were never cured.  I could have my cake and eat it too, no hard choices needed.

 

Because if Spike returned to himself... how I could I keep away from him?  Our relationship had had so many false starts, bad timings, and almost connections over the years.  Could I bear to let him go?

 

My mind dwelled on the missed opportunities that abounded through the years.  Exhibit A:  I had started to realize the extent of his devotion when he withstood Glory.  I was learning how trustworthy he could be.  Something might have happened there.  But I died. 

 

Exhibit B:  The second time around, I learned how comforting he could be.  I messed up whatever friendship we had by sleeping with him and hating him and myself for it.  Maybe we could have moved forward from there, but then he tried to hurt ( _rape)_ me, and left town. 

 

Exhibit C:  He came back with a soul and I learned to love him for real.  He died in a pillar of fire. 

 

I could go on.

 

How about he came back to life, but chose not to let me know.   I've never forgiven him for that.  Two years wasted there.   I finally ( _finally!)_ saw him again, and well, let's just say that Angel came between us.  So Spike left.  By the time we'd both settled in San Francisco, our hearts were too torn up to let each other know how we felt.  It took a completely unexpected event, which almost led to the biggest heartache of all, to finally get us in a real relationship. 

 

And, oh boy, was it beautiful.  How could I not fight for _us_?

 

On the other hand, how the hell could I leave Bob?  I couldn't.

 

I wondered briefly how Bob would feel about polygamy.  Or, as I found out when I looked it up, the right term was polyandry.  One woman, many men.  Spike would do it, rather than give me up...  Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

 

I did what Buffy does best.  I decided to ignore the whole issue, because hey, it was all a pile of what-ifs anyhow.  I certainly couldn't choose to run away with Spike if I didn't even know where he was.  In the meantime, I made sure to pay more attention to Bob, and only worry about Spike when I was alone.  Even then it felt like cheating.

 

***

 

_Bob is sitting next to me on the couch, his eyes suddenly very intense.  He slides off the couch, onto the floor, on one knee.  I'm not expecting it, but I realize what's coming._

_My mind flashes back to the only other proposal I've ever received.  Spike on one knee, that ugly skull ring proffered like a huge diamond.  Magically induced or not, it been the happiest day of my life._

_At least until Spike had given me another ring, this time right after I'd moved onto his ship with him.  He'd been so bashful.  "Buffy," he'd begun, his voice all rumbly and intense like it got when his emotions were overwhelming him.  "I know I don't deserve it, and hell, I know it doesn't mean anything out there in the real world, but I'd be honored if you would wear this".  He'd produced a beautiful ring: a simple gold band, intricately carved._

_That ring is still on my ring finger._

_I look at it, then raise my eyes to Bob.  He's taking a big risk.  He doesn't know how I'll answer.  Neither do I._

_"I know this is out of the blue, but I can't hold back anymore".  He produces his own ring, beautiful, elegant.  "Buffy, will you marry me?"_

_My thoughts turn inward.  In another life, I would accept in a heartbeat.  How about in this one?_

_Billy will be six soon.  In one more year, I could have Spike declared legally dead.  If he were, you know, alive in the first place.  I know logically that Spike is dead.  It's silly to hold out hope for his return now._

_And yet, his ring remains on my finger.  To accept Bob's means to take Spike's off.  Bob knows this._

_It's the first time he's ever pushed me for more than I was willing to give him._

_From the beginning, Bob has always just been there, silently offering himself up without asking anything in return.  Sometime after Billy's first birthday, even I could no longer remain oblivious to how he felt about me.  He hadn't pushed for more though, and I hadn't offered.  I had been too wound up in my grief for Spike, plus my ever-convoluted feelings for Angel._

_So our friendship just was.  It had been nice.  When Angel had done his big skedaddle, I had had more free time on my hands.  I found myself gravitating toward spending it with Bob.  He was everything you could want in a male friend.  Loyal, stable, kind, thoughtful, understanding.  He didn't feel the need to protect me, and he didn't feel threatened by the fact that I could kick his ass with both hands and a leg tied behind my back.  And that's the way it still is._

_Our respective jobs bring us into contact all the time.  It was almost inevitable for things to develop.  There has never been an official start to our relationship, but we spend most of our free time together, turn to each other for comfort, and wind up exclusively in each other's beds._

_Marriage wouldn't be that much different.  Except that it would mean I'm giving up on Spike._

_Spike had trusted Bob, maybe even loved him in that manly, brotherly way of best friends.  He would approve.  And Spike would want me to live my life.  Spike had been all about living life.  He wouldn't want to see me like this, waiting on a chance so slim it was non-existent._

_I look into Bob's face, so earnest and hopeful.  I love him.  I really do.  Billy loves him too.  The answer is obvious._

_I slip off Spike's ring, and Bob's takes its place.  We kiss, deeply, and with more than a hint of passion.  I know I'm making the right choice._

_So why do I feel like I'm cheating on Spike?_

 

***

 

I stared at the calendar.  The little squares didn't rearrange themselves to say anything different, no matter how hard I glared at them.

 

It had been one year.  One year today since Spike had blown into our lives and blown back out again, leaving a trail of chaos in his wake.

 

The sense of expectation had left us all.  We no longer ran out at night to investigate every noise in our yard.  We'd stopped talking about ‘when Spike gets here'.  The basement cum playhouse was a shambles of kid stuff.  I suspected nobody else but me would even mark this anniversary.

 

To my surprise, only Annie didn't remember, but in a six year old's mind, a year is an eternity.  The sniffy vampire that had scared her was long forgotten.

 

Billy was the first to say something.  He came to me with a homework problem, and it mutated into more.  "Where is he, Mom?  Why hasn't he found us yet?"

 

"I don't know, sweetheart.  Maybe he isn't as aware as we'd hoped".  I didn't dare voice my concerns about him being hurt or worse.   

 

It might have been better if Spike's demise were the reason for his absence, though.  Billy took Spike's failure to come for him as a personal rejection, even though it was illogical.  Kids are never logical when it comes to hurting feelings.  If we had known that Spike was dead, we could have moved on, but instead we were all stuck in limbo, spinning in circles and waiting.

 

Bob brought it up later, in bed.  "You ok, then?" he asked.

 

"Yeah," I murmured.  "It's just... you know...".

 

"I do," he agreed.

 

I resolved then and there to let it go.  Spike would come or he wouldn't, but in the meantime I had a life to live and a husband to love.  I'd grown distant from Bob over the past year.  I hadn't meant to, but it had still happened.  That was going to change tonight.

 

***

 

All day today, I had kept glancing at the date on my phone.  I couldn't remember why it seemed so familiar.  Had I missed somebody's birthday?  I checked my calendar, and didn't see anything important marked.

 

I called Bob from work and asked him if we had plans for tonight.  Maybe we were supposed to go out and I'd forgotten. 

 

"No, but we're low on milk.  Do you want to get it or do you want me to?"

 

Obviously that wasn't it either.  The feeling persisted while I shopped for groceries.  I came home and put them away, then helped the kids with their homework.

 

"Did you have a good day?" I prompted.  "Anything exciting?"  Maybe it had something to do with school.  Their replies didn't solve the mystery.

 

Later that evening, I remembered that I wanted to ask Dave if he would water the plants while we were gone on vacation next week.  I went out our back door and around to the side, where the entrance to Dave's apartment was.  He'd been a good tenant over the last few months.  I was glad he was living in our ( _Spike's_ ) apartment.

 

Suddenly it hit me.  Today was the two year anniversary of the last time I'd seen Spike.

 

***

 

I realized with a guilty start that it had been over three years since that day in Colorado.  I'd completely forgotten.  We'd moved on, settled back into our lives, and given up hope of ever seeing Spike again.

 

I spent the night sobbing my eyes out, convinced that Spike was truly gone.

 

***

 

Billy hadn't forgetten about his father, though.  When he'd turned fifteen, he'd taken to dressing almost exclusively in black jeans and t-shirts.  He was a good kid, and we didn't say anything, even though I knew why he was doing it.  It turned out he'd wanted us to say something

 

I was chopping the vegetables for dinner when the back door banged open and Billy strode in.  I looked up, took in his bleached and slicked back hair, and almost fainted.  A strangled gasp escaped me.  Bob turned around from where he'd been rummaging in the fridge and surveyed the scene.  I was standing with my hand over my mouth, breathing heavily, and Billy was glaring at us defiantly.  Realizing just how shaken I was, he strode over to Billy, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, and hauled him out into the living room.

 

Billy could have easily shaken Bob off, but he didn't.  He knew he'd crossed a line.  He'd wanted to cross it, but he was still scared of what he'd done.  I didn't think he'd known how upset I would be.

 

I gathered my wits and went into the living room.  Bob was standing with his arms crossed, glaring at Billy.  He so rarely ever got angry, I knew that Billy's actions must have hurt him, but whether for my sake or his own, I didn't know.  Billy himself was sitting on the couch, head down between his hands.  How many times had I seen Spike in this same pose?  I noticed he'd even painted his fingernails black.  The sense of familiarity shocked me all over again.

 

I whimpered, and Billy looked up.  "Mom!" he cried, as he stared at me with anguished eyes.  Normally Billy's resemblance to Spike was comforting, but this was too much.  The blue eyes swimming with pain brought back every lost moment, crushing me with despair that I'd managed to bury.  "Mom... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.  I just - I thought - I didn't think!  But... But... you've forgotten him!!!" he wept.

 

I went to him then, wrapping him in my arms and rocking him like he was still the little boy I'd carried.  "No, baby, no.  Your father is not forgotten.  He'll always be here," I said, with my hand over my heart.  "It's just that we have to honor him by living our lives," I continued, catching my husband's eye.  "Life goes on, and sometimes you have to let go.  It's one of the hardest lessons for a person to learn".

 

Billy's tear-streaked face contemplated this.  "Is this wrong?" he asked hesitantly, touching his hair.

 

I took a deep breath.  "It shocked me, is all.  If you feel that mimicking your father's sense of... style... is going to help you to honor him right now, then go for it.  If you're just doing it to make sure we don't forget him, or to rebel, then it's not the right reason, no".

 

"If I wore my hair like this, you'd be ok then?" he pressed.

 

"It hurts," I admitted.  "It hurts to see you look so much like your father and know that he has missed so much of your life.  It hurts to be reminded so viscerally that he's not here.  But if it makes you feel connected to him, then I'll deal.  It's just hair," I finished with a little laugh.  "Although I do prefer your natural hair," I added.

 

Billy turned to Bob.  "Dad?  I'm sorry," he apologized. 

 

Bob came over and squatted down in front of him, looking into his face.  "I'm only angry because you hurt your mother," he said.  "You're trying to figure out who you are.  I get it.  Just try to keep the casualties to a minimum, ok?"  Billy grinned and hugged him tight. 

 

Within a few weeks, Billy settled on a style he liked.  He left his hair loose and curly, and only touched up the tips, for a frosted look.  He branched out from black, coming up with a style all his own.  He was gorgeous, athletic, witty, and sweet.  I suspected the only reason we didn't have to fend off girls with a baseball bat was his overwhelming shyness around the opposite sex. 

 

***

 

Willow had called and invited herself to stay at house for a few days.  We hadn't seen her for over two years, since she'd been living in Africa.  To say I was excited would have been an understatement.

 

We greeted each other at the door with high pitched squeals that would have done Dawn proud.  Willow followed me in, then stopped suddenly, staring at Billy.  "Whoa!" she exclaimed.  "That's kinda freaky!"  He blushed.  "Oh, oh, in a good way," she added quickly.

 

"He's a handsome bugger, isn't he?" I said to cover the awkwardness.

 

"You've got that right!" she replied gratefully. 

 

We settled in, catching up.  Willow had us laughing all through dinner with stories about cultural misunderstandings between her coven of American witches and Zulu shamans.  Her work was satisfying to her, I could tell.  I was glad.

 

Annie remained as fascinated with Willow and witchcraft as ever.  She took every opportunity to be as close to Willow as possible.  When her idol offered to teach her a simple spell, she almost peed her pants with excitement.  She reminded me a lot of Dawn at that age, just as excitable and clumsy as her aunt had been.

 

I finally got the kids settled in for the night.  Bob bid us goodnight, knowing we wanted to gossip in private.  I gave him a wink and mouthed, "Thanks honey," as he kissed Willow on the cheek and headed up the stairs.

 

"So Wills, what's the news?  I can tell it's something big.  Spill!"

 

Willow took both my hands in hers and said all in one breath, "We'vefiguredoutawaytotouchotherdimensions!"

 

I laughed.  "Come again?"

 

"We've figured out a way to touch other dimensions.  We can't, you know, like open portals and go through or anything, but we can sense them!"

 

"And this is good, I'm guessing," I teased her.

 

She batted me on the shoulder.  "Yes silly.  It means we can do pretty much anything now!  Well, anything magical that we could have done in the past.  There are some really complex spells that require ingredients from other dimensions and of course we still can't do those, and things that require crossing dimensions like resurrection spells are out, but, and I'm babbling now!" she finished in a gasp.

 

"That's great Will!  So, does this change the status of Slayers being called?" I asked.  "Or vampires siring zompires?"

 

"No.  Those are still trans-dimensional events that require a mystically physical crossing of some kind.  And we still can't get any new demons except the kind that already live and breed on Earth".

 

"Well that's a relief," I said.

 

Willow frowned a bit.  "Yeah... the only aspect of magic still missing is the trans-dimensional kind, but that's the biggy Buffy.  That's the one that changed Earth the most.  It's also the one that would have negative consequences, like the things you mentioned, but those bad things are minor compared to the good we'd achieve".

 

"Would it really be good?  Because I don't know about you, but I've been enjoying these non-Hellmouthy, non-apocalypsy years".

 

Her frown deepened.  "Well, who knows if it will ever happen anyhow," she said dismissively.  I didn't think we'd ever agree on this, and dropped it too.

 

Willow's face lit up again, "But, Buffy, I forgot to tell you the best part!  I can do locator spells now, and not only that, I figured out this way to do bloodline specific locator spells too!"

 

"Yay!?" I said with confusion.

 

She saw I didn't get it.  "See, what I can do is take a drop of someone's blood, and with a locator spell, it'll show me anybody living, anywhere in the world, who is a direct single generation relative of that person".

 

"Who now?" I said, still not following.

 

Willow was patience in the extreme.  "Ok, look, I take a drop of my blood, and with the spell, it can show me where my parents are - except they're dead - and show my siblings - but you know I don't have any of those - and show my children - and well I guess I'm not a good example".

 

She took a breath and started again.  "I could take a drop of _Bob's_ blood, and with the spell, it would show me his parents in Florida, it would find his brother in Texas, and it would locate Annie right here in San Francisco, because they all share his blood, and they're all closely related to him".

 

"Hey, that's cool," I answered, finally understanding.  "But we already know where all Bob's family is.  We don't have to find them.  Oooh, maybe we could find Xander's dad and see where he ran off to with that ho bag.  It would make his mom happy".

 

"No doofus," she smacked me.  "We can find Billy's bloodline.  As long as he's alive, we can find Spike".

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to come up with my own theory of magic and vampires, to account for all the changes since the Seed broke. I don't spend a lot of time worrying about all the discrepancies in the canon story lines, but it bugs me in my own... It's not my favorite thing to spend brain power on, so hopefully it makes sense.

I almost certainly looked like a startled fish.  At least that's what I guessed, because after several moments, Willow reached over and pushed my jaw back up with one finger.

 

"And when I say if Spike is alive, I mean in his usual un-dead way, of course," she said with a perky little grin.

 

"Huh now?"  I really didn't do well with surprises.  Willow knew that.  She was such a witch, and not in the Wicca-y mother earth goddess way.

 

"How... when... wow...".  My mind zeroed in on the one thing I could comprehend.  "We can find Spike?"

 

"Yup.  We can find Spike.  Again with the caveat of as long as he is experiencing un-dead alive-ness.  I've been able to do these types of spells for about two weeks now.  I wanted to practice on different people and make sure before I told you.  And hey, I figured you'd want to be there when I did the spell, so here I am".

 

Willow squeaked.  "Mmmph!  Can't breathe Buffy!"

 

I released her.  "Sorry.  That super-human strength just gets carried away sometimes".

 

She rubbed her bruised ribs.  "It's ok.  A perfectly natural reaction," she said with a little Willow-y head nod.

 

A problem occurred to me.  "Will it work on bloodline thingies with vampires though?"

 

"Already ahead of you," she informed me.  "I tested it on Connor yesterday and it worked right as rain.  Picked up Angel in Rome.  A quick call confirmed his location".

 

"Oh.  Wow.  Wow.  I feel like I should have more words".

 

"I think the hug was good enough," she grimaced.  "I'm going to need to pick up some supplies in the morning, but then first thing after we'll find that vampire.  Good plan?"

 

"Good plan," I agreed.  "I have to go tell Bob!   Should I wake Billy up?"

 

"Nah, let the kid sleep.  I have a feeling we won't be getting much in the next few days".

 

"Probably very true.  You know your way around?  Need anything?"

 

"Nope.  Goodnight Buff," she replied.

 

"Goodnight Wills," I echoed.  "And, hey - thanks!"

 

***

 

The next night found several faces staring at a giant map of the world, the kind that over-achieving parents tape to their walls in the hope that their offspring will become geographic prodigies.

 

Staring at it, I realized that _I_ could easily find most major countries, because my friends, my family, and I had all been world travelers at some point thanks to our unique history.  _Well, go me!_ I thought.  _Not just a Valley Girl after all._  

 

I glanced around the map.  My family was ranged along one side, with Dawn, Xander, Willow, and Andrew along the opposite side.  It felt like a good, old-fashioned Scooby meeting.  Dawn and Xander's girls sat quietly in their laps, eyes wide.  Andrew looked at all the children and said, "Hey, it's the Scoobies, Next Generation".  Xander and Bob chuckled while the rest of us rolled our eyes.

 

The Harris's had come earlier for dinner with Willow and stayed, because, as Xander had said, "I can't wait to find out where the evil dead has been lurking all this time.  I have a whole pile of insults I've got saved up for him".  He'd given me a wink to let me know that he was joking. 

 

I mused on how nice it was to have Xander's support.  In the years after Spike had sacrificed himself in Sunnydale, Xander had come to accept, and eventually, be friends with Spike.  They'd actually gotten along pretty well once they'd gotten over their animosity, although their time together had still been filled with insults and attempts to one-up each other.  As I thought about it, I concluded that that was how most of Spike's ‘friendships' had been.  _Obviously he's always brought out the best in others_ , I thought with an eyeroll.

 

"Explain again why the Boy Wonder is here?" I asked in irritation as Andrew fiddled with and then dropped and spilled sand all over the floor.

 

"Hey!" he protested.  "I'm a man now!  And your boss too.  You need to show me more respect," he whined.

 

Willow soothed him.  "Andrew is here because now that finding Spike is hopefully imminent, he's been doing more research on just what that witch did to him, and what we should expect.  He's found a lot of new information to share with us".

 

"As long as there are no Big Boards," Dawn muttered under her breath.

 

Andrew made a face at her, and Dawn stuck out her tongue.  Yep, just like old times.

 

"Children!" Willow warned.  "Ok, first I'm going to catch everybody up to where we are, magically speaking.  There will be a test, so pay attention!"

 

The children looked around in panic.

 

"Just kidding.  But really, pay attention.  Back in the day, magic was drawn from other dimensions, outside of Earth.  The Seed was like a big porous blanket.  It let magic through, but prevented other dimensions from bleeding in.  And if there's one thing we've learned, dimensional bleed through is never good.  When the final battle came, Twilight wanted to remove the Seed and allow that bleed through to occur.  We wanted to protect the Seed, and keep things the way they were".

 

She paused and took a breath, the next part obviously still painful after all these years.  "In the... heat of battle... it didn't appear that protecting the Seed would be sufficient, so it was broken".  I was glad she wasn't assigning blame.  "As Spike explained at the time, breaking it acted like a cork broken in a bottle.  The Seed couldn't be removed, which prevented hell taking over, literally.  The downside was, that prevented anything else from coming through.  Meaning magic".

 

"Oh, oh, I know what comes next.  Let me tell it!" Dawn said.  Willow nodded.  "But, the Earth had been steeped in magic for so long that it is now imbued with its own magic," she recited.  "This magic is the kind known as ‘white' or ‘Earth' magic.  Earth magic powers spells to do with life, like healing spells, or making plants grow.  The problem was learning how to access it, because even though witches employed it all the time, they still used trans-dimensional magic to summon the Earth magic in the first place.  That's what your coven has been working on all this time".

 

"Exactly," Willow agreed.  "And even though Earth magic is great, we can't do a lot of spells that we had been able to before.  Or I should say, couldn't do those spells before now.  We've managed to fix that for the most part," she said proudly.

 

"Splainy?" I said.

 

"Well, remember the Seed was like the conduit to draw magic from outside our dimension.  The idea is pretty simple.  We needed to fix the Seed.  To heal it - which was theoretically possible with Earth magic.  We just had to get powerful enough to do it".

 

"And you did?" Xander asked with alarm.  "Did it require black eyes and hair?  Because I am so not a fan of the black eyes and hair!"

 

"Earth magic, Xand," she reminded him.  "No blackness.  Actually, you get all white and glow-y instead.  Like I did when I used the scythe to activate all the potentials.  Oh, but you didn't see that I guess".

 

We shook our heads.

 

"Well, it's really neat.  But back to the point, we haven't healed the Seed all the way.  As of four weeks ago it's back in one piece, but full of cracks, like we've super-glued it together.  It'll take a lot more power to fully restore it to its original condition.  I don't know if we ever could".

 

"And it would be good to do this?" Bob asked.  "I thought the Seed being broken was the reason we don't have to deal with demons and apocalypses anymore".

 

Willow looked at me.  I couldn't give her the support she wanted.  "Well, there's a definite trade-off," she admitted.  "But it doesn't matter right now anyhow, since it won't happen for a long time, if ever".

 

We accepted that.

 

"This is where it gets more complicated," she continued.  "With the state of the Seed now, we can sense or touch other dimensions.  It's sort of like there's a real permeable barrier in between now.  Portals, or crossing to other dimensions - still impossible.  However, magic can seep through, which is good, and nothing physical, like a demon, can pass from side to side, which is also good.  Some demons used to be able to pass between dimensions easily, without even opening portals, but that's still not happening.  And that's why we'll still have zompires and not vampires".

 

"I'll take over from here, thank you, gentle Willow," Andrew interupted, his storyteller persona shining through.  "Listen carefully, and I will tell you of how a Vampyre comes to be.  When a Vampyre wishes to turn a human into a fellow Vampyre, which we Watchers like to call ‘siring' a ‘childe', first he - or she -"

 

"Andrew!" we all exclaimed.

 

"Fine," he said, feelings hurt.  "A vampire is demon who is thought to have taken over a human's body and personality after the victim is infected with the demon virus by another vampire.  These demons, as Willow described it, are able to cross dimensions without the aid of a portal.  According to this theory, the demon which inhabits the host is summoned by the virus that infected the body, by being sucked out of their dimension and into the host body. 

 

"However, I have discovered a more accurate description in ancient texts.  In reality, the virus passes on a demonic infection from the sire to the host, thus creating a demonic infestation which reanimates the dead human's body, but nothing more - a zompire, if you please.  When a turned human wakes, he is automatically a zompire.  For a vampire to occur, part of the human's consciousness must return to this plane of existence.  In other words, it must split from the soul, which typically leaves for another dimension upon death, returning to this dimension and to the body within milliseconds of awakening. 

 

"Incidentally, this used to be common knowledge thousands of years ago, but the men who were that time period's version of the Watcher's Council didn't want Slayers to know that vampires still retained the consciousness of the human who had died.  It was thought to make it harder for the Slayer to kill the vampires, as they are indeed still partly human, and so the knowledge was repressed". 

 

He exited lecture mode for a brief sidebar.  "Although, they really only have a tiny part of their humanity, so you shouldn't feel bad about killing them, Buffy".

 

"I don't".

 

"Well, good then.  Anyhow, this return of consciousness to the body is the part which we think cannot occur right now, since souls or parts of souls can't cross dimensions".

 

"Wait - are you saying that when people die, their souls are trapped here, because they can't cross over?" Dawn squeaked, wigged.

 

"Oh, no, we're pretty sure that's not the case," Andrew rushed to explain.  There's a kind of one way valve as far as we can tell.  Souls go out to a heavenly... or hell... dimension, but without the Seed they can't return to ours.  That's why Willow still can't resurrect somebody or re-soul Angel if needed, for example".

 

"Does that mean that if another vampire wanted to win their soul back like Spike did, they wouldn't be able to?" Billy interjected.

 

"As far as we can tell, no, they couldn't".

 

"So what if he's lost his soul?" Billy worried.

 

"I don't think that's what happened to him," I soothed.  "It's more like amnesia, I'm guessing".  I turned to Andrew.  "Willow said you could explain it?"  He inhaled to begin.  "Without the theatrics," I added.

 

His breath whooshed out.  "You just can't let a guy have any fun can you.  Hey!" he squealed when I reached over and pinched him.  "Boss!  Respect!"

 

"Please sir, will you explain it to us?" Dawn intoned.

 

"That's more like it," Andrew said happily.  Dawn rolled her eyes behind his back.  

 

"After the final battle with Simone's evil army," - here he moved to evade my pinch - "I captured and interrogated one of the defeated witches who had foolishly been working with her.  She was a devious one and required much patience and cunning to break, but break she did my friends.  She spilled all her secrets to me, and a sordid tale it was".

 

"Does he _always_ talk like this, Mom?" Annie stage whispered to me.

 

With a glare at Annie, he continued.  "Ahem.  I questioned her intensely on the purpose of the device and spell that were used upon the noble Vampyre Spike...".

 

"Maybe we can have the Cliff Notes version?" Willow suggested.  "We still have a spell to do".   The rest of us smiled gratefully at her.

 

"Whatever.  The plan of attack was for Severin to incapacitate Spike with his draining powers, allowing the witch to easily approach Spike and perform the spell.  They had intended to turn Spike into a zompire, knowing that he was your greatest ally, and with the hope that he would kill you if they failed.  Or if he didn't kill you, at least his loss of self would devastate you".

 

"They weren't wrong," I muttered.

 

"Indeed.  The witch, who has now been rehabilitated through Willow's coven by the way, much as Willow once was ...".  Our glares got him back on track.  "The witch didn't know much else.  Fortunately I saved the amulet and was able to research it more.  Originally I didn't make much headway, and then we kind of lost interest..." he trailed off. 

 

"But it became our priority again, so all is well!  It turns out that several of these were created in ancient times to combat a vampire family almost as destructive as the Scourge of Europe.  They sired every single person they killed, and it, as you might imagine, overwhelmed the Slayer of the time.  They also preferred to target people that the Slayer was thought to care for.  This particular Slayer was unique like you Buffy, in that she had been allowed to live with her family.  This was also back when Slayers knew the vampires were not completely demon.  So she found it hard to kill her loved ones ".

 

Andrew pulled the spider amulet from his bag.  I shuddered.  "So these were used to separate the vampires from their remaining bit of humanity; to create zompires, if you will, so the Slayer could do her job".

 

"Because that was probably easier than just, say, helping the Slayer," Xander interjected sarcastically.

 

"Well, much like the Watcher's Council Buffy knew, they took the Slayer's sacred calling seriously.  No interfering".

 

"Wankers," Bob said.  We laughed.

 

"By the by, I have a theory about why Spike was so unique among vampires, noble even before his soul was returned to him".   _That little geek still worships Spike_ I thought.  Well, I couldn't blame him. So did I.  "I believe a greater part of consciousness and humanity split apart from his soul and returned to his body than is usual, so that Spike remained far more human than most vampires".

 

"I like that theory," Willow said.  "It fits what we know about his life - still loving his mother, devotion to Drusilla, trying to be good without a soul...  Yeah, it's a good one.  Get to the part about what you think that amulet did to Spike, though".

 

"Right.  Well, we remember how Spike turned into a zompire while this," he waved the amulet, "was attached to him.  With the very limited magic available at the time, it was exceptionally difficult for the witch to accomplish her goal of sending Spike's humanity on to the next dimension.  When Willow knocked this off, the spell wasn't finished.  I suspect Spike's consciousness had separated from him, but hadn't yet crossed over.  It likely tried to rebound into his body, but wasn't able to due to the limited magical power of the Earth.  Without the Seed, his demon wasn't strong enough to fully call it back, and so it... floats... nearby, attached by a thread.  My guess is that's why he's sort of in between, if you will".

 

Billy's eyes lit up.  "And now that the Seed is partially restored, maybe his demon could pull it back?"

 

"Yes", Willow responded.  "Or at least, we're hoping he can pull it back partially, and maybe we can help it go the rest of the way".

 

"Well then let's move on to finding the bleached menace!" Xander urged.

 

"I second that," Dawn said.  "It's getting really late.  Is there anything else we should know?"  Andrew opened his mouth to speak.  "Anything _important_?" she emphasized.  He shut it.

 

Willow shook her head.  "I think we've covered everything we ought to be aware of before we do this.  We'll start with the big map...". 

 

She had Annie and Dawn's kids help her get it set up, then we all sat back and watched as she muttered an incantation.  Next, she reached for Billy's hand and cut the tip of his finger, squeezing drops of blood into a bowl filled with sand and herbs, which she then stirred together.  Finally, she spread the sand over the map, clapped her hands, and said "Videre!"

 

The map shimmered, and then a bright light began to glow over California.  Willow's forehead creased.  "Does anybody see and lights anywhere else?" she asked.  We all shook our heads. 

 

"Hmmm.  Well, this light is very bright, meaning there is more than one relative in the area, and that's like, duh.  Dawn, Xander, I explained to Buffy last night that only direct line relatives show up - parents, siblings, and offspring, and the person being tested, in this case Billy.  Buffy, Billy, and Annie are all right here, which explains why the brightness is so intense".

 

She cleared the map.  "What I'm hoping it that Spike is somewhere nearby, and he isn't showing up because these guys are obscuring it.  We'll try a map of the western states, see what happens".

 

Again, Willow prepared, muttered, squeezed blood, mixed, spread, and clapped.  Again the only glow was over central California.  So she tried a giant map of California, which made it perfectly clear that Billy's only living immediate relatives were in San Francisco.

 

"Could this mean...?" I began uneasily.

 

"Not necessarily," she responded.  "Remember the theory that Spike might have recovered since we patched the Seed up?  If he did, he'd surely have come to San Francisco, looking for you," she assured me.

 

"If he still has the photo...".

 

"He kept that appointment card all those years," Bob reminded us.

 

"True.  Or he could have called.  I gave him my cell number.  Wouldn't that have been the easiest thing to do?"

 

"You changed it," Billy reminded me.  My face fell.

 

"It's simple enough to solve this mystery!" Willow cried.  "On to the big map of San Francisco!"

 

The same steps were repeated again, and this time the only glow was in our neighborhood.  Willow shifted uneasily.  "This is the last step," she said quietly, pulling out one of those map books that shows every single block in a city.  She flipped it open to a page she had previously marked.

 

The ritual was begun again.  I closed my eyes tightly, unwilling to find that there was no shining light to mark Spike's existence.  Willow clapped and said, "Videre!"  I scrunched my eyes tighter.

 

Bob's hand slipped over mine.  "Buffy," he whispered.  "Honey, look".

 

I opened my eyes.  I could easily tell where our house was on the map.  It shone brightly.  But further away, about five blocks up the street, there was another point of light, dimmer than the other, but still burning brightly.  "Oh," I breathed.

 

As I watched, the light shifted incrementally closer.

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

I looked up.  Everybody else was staring at the map, raptly watching the glowing spot jerkily move infinitesimally closer to our house.

 

"I... I didn't know the spell could follow somebody moving like that," Willow said in an awed voice.

 

"Cool," Annie said.

 

And then, as one, we all stood up and moved to the door, stepping out into the night and looking up the street.  Nobody could be seen.

 

Bob spoke up.  "I think it should just be Buffy.  We don't want to overwhelm him".

 

"Plus, if he's dangerous for some reason, you're the best equipped to deal with him," Xander added, practical as ever.

 

"Mom?" Billy asked, his face begging me to let him stay.  Billy had been training with me for years now.  While not at Slayer strength, he could easily defend himself.

 

"You too, son," Bob amended.  The rest all faded back inside.

 

I gestured forward.  "Shall we?"  We started walking, slowly and deliberately, peering into the shadows.  After a block, the back of my neck began to tingle.  I put my hand on Billy's arm and stopped him on a street corner, just under the light.

 

"Spike?" I called, and waited.  The tinglies grew stronger.

 

And then a figure stepped out of the shadows.  I clutched Billy's arm harder.  My breath caught in my chest.  It was definitely Spike.

 

My legs wanted to run to him, but I forced myself to remain still, calm.  Billy was tensed under my restraining hand, and I was sure he was fighting the same urge.

 

"Spike," I said softly.  "You're here".  He stepped closer, and I noticed with disappointment that his expression was confused.  _His mind must still be in limbo_ I reflected.  He sniffed the air, hesitating.  I held my hand out, like to a stray dog.

 

He came nearer, then stopped again.  Without taking his eyes off us, his hand snaked into his pocket, re-emerging with something small.  Under the streetlight, it looked like a photo.  The photo I'd left him.  He held it out to me.

 

"That's right," I said soothingly, placing my hand over the photo and letting my fingers lightly touch his.  He flinched, but didn't pull away.  "We want you to come home".  I slid my hand into his.  "Will you come with us?" I asked, tugging him as gently as possible.

 

Spike moved quickly then, hands reaching out to grip our arms and keep us from getting away, moving right into our personal space.  He smelled us again, face buried first in my hair, then Billy's.  He leaned back and gazed quizzically at Billy's face, then softly touched his features with one finger.  He turned to me with a little smile and did the same, then squeezed us both together and nuzzled into our necks.

 

Billy turned to me, alarmed, questioning.  In response, I looked into his eyes as I tipped my neck to give Spike better access, showing Billy that it was safe.

 

Spike had always buried himself in my neck when he wanted to be close.  It was a vampire thing, a way for him to bury himself in my essence, he'd explained.  For a vampire, a human's scent was strongest over the pulse point in the neck.

 

Billy didn't know it, but baring my neck to Spike was a symbolic gesture of how much I loved and trusted him, a proof of the bond we shared.  Spike seemed to take it as I meant it:  that he was safe and secure.

 

***

 

_We are going to have our first ultra-sound today.  Spike is as excited as I am, maybe even more so._

_As he explains it, the last time he paid any attention to pregnant women, there wasn't anything to pay attention to.  It was unseemly for a mother-to-be to display her condition in public.  The whole miracle of motherhood is a mystery to him, but he embraces that mystery with his usual boundless enthusiasm._

_He reads "What to Expect when You're Expecting" so many times the book disintegrates.  He knows every aspect of my pregnancy as well as I do, and with his enhanced senses, often better._

_At night, before we go to bed, he places his ear on my belly and gives me an update on the sprog, as he calls our miracle child.  "Strong heart.  Wriggling like a fish.  Sounds like he might be sucking his thumb," he'll say, or, "Seems a mite restless.  Reckon a song will calm her down".  And then he'll sing a lullaby from his childhood, or maybe a Ramones song, his mouth pressed against my belly, voice rumbling subsonically into my womb to soothe our baby._

_Today is the first day we'll actually get to see it, though.  The bug ship parks in the shadows of the building, and we hurry inside, heading to the office.  The nurse ushers us into an examining room, takes my vitals, and I lay on the table.  "Doctor will be here soon," he says._

_Spike holds my hand, strokes my leg while we wait.  He is always touching me now, making sure I'm really there.  We flip through a book of baby names to pass the time._

_"I like Sid for a boy and Nancy for a girl," he says.  I glare at him.  I've been around him long enough that I finally get the joke.  He laughs.  "No?  I suppose you want something more namby-pamby then?"_

_"How about Angel?" I say sweetly.  He chokes.  "It works for either a girl or a boy," I continue while he splutters.  Luckily the doctor comes in then and saves me from Spike's wrath._

_We have the usual conversation about how I'm feeling and how I'm the healthiest pregnant lady she's ever seen.  If only she knew.  Of course, it's hasn't all been smooth sailing.  I'm thankful the morning sickness stage was brief, because it was awful.  She asks if I've been exercising.  I wonder if fending off demons counts._

_She lifts my shirt and squirts the jelly on.  "Do you want to know the sex?" she inquires._

_We look at each other._

_"Yeah," Spike says, all casual like, but I can see the anticipation in his eyes.  He's told me he doesn't care, but he still wants to know._

_The wand rolls over my belly.  Our baby appears on the screen in three dimensional glory.  It's beautiful.  As the wand moves, different features pop into view.  The doctor confirms the baby has all its parts, then moves down to the genitals, which are hidden from view._

_She gives my belly a little shake.  "Come on now sweetie, don't be shy, show us what you've got".  Spikes eyes are glued to the screen, but I'm enjoying watching his face much more.  "Oh," she says, "here we go.  It's a boy!"_

_"A boy!" Spike declares.  "Did you hear that Buffy?  William Junior!"  He swoops down on me and kisses me breathless.  The doctor chuckles._

_"So, William, would you like a copy of the little movie we've just watched?"  She is as entranced by Spike's rapture as I am, flirting in that subconscious way that all females seem to do around him._

Back off, bitch! _I think, but Spike barely even notices her.  His eyes are back on the screen.  "Absolutely," I answer for him._

_She tells me to come back in one month, and hands me the DVD she's burned.  Spike takes it from me, turning it over and over.  It always amazes me how good it makes me feel to see him so happy.  I want to make him this happy for the rest of his life.  Un-life.  He deserves it.  I vow to go to that place in the mall where you can get an hour long video of your baby in utero, and surprise Spike with it._

_When we get back to the ship, Spike immediately puts the DVD into the player and watches it over and over.  When he's finally satisfied, he turns to me.  "Buffy," he growls, his voice filled with emotion.  "We did this.  We made this beautiful boy"._

_"We did," I agree.  I feel a pang of regret that neither of us actually remembers conceiving our son.  It's not a story I'll ever tell him._

_"I... I'm not worthy of this.  Your love, a child, reckon s'not what I deserve after the things I've done"._

_"What, after you've saved the world how many times?" I return incredulously. "Saved me how many times?  Fought to win your soul and be a better man?  You're right, you don't deserve this.  You deserve more"._

_He stares into my eyes.  I'm proud that I've been able to shut him up.  It doesn't happen often._

_He turns bashful.  "William all right with you then?  Want a different name?"_

_I don't even hesitate.  "William is the only choice," I answer._

_"And what should be his middle name, then?"_

_I consider different options.  I certainly don't want to be reminded of my father.  I think about all the times I'd told Giles he was like a father to me.  "Rupert?" I say out loud.  We both shake our heads._

_"Randy?" I giggle.  "'Desperate for a Shag' Giles?" Spike guffaws loudly._

_"How ‘bout just Giles?" he offers._

_"William Giles.  Billy Giles.  It could work".  I'm wondering how to bring up surnames when he does it for me._

_"You know I can't claim my child, since I don't exist and whatnot.  Means t'would be easiest to call him Summers"._

_I disagree.  I want to announce to the world that this is Spike's baby, but legally speaking, he's right.  Stupid vampire.  "William Giles Summers," I proclaim to the room._

_Spike smiles.  "Yeah"._

_"So, did you see when he yawned?" I ask.  "Did those look like little fangs to you?"_

_He doesn't realize that I'm teasing.  His eyes get big, and he starts the DVD over._

_That night, after Spike completes his ritual lullaby, he adds something new.  "Goodnight little Billy," he purrs.  The vibrations set my skin tingling, and I pull him up me._

_Spike had been afraid of harming the baby for the longest time, but our overwhelming need to touch each other finally had him giving in.  We'd had amazing sex in the past (too long ago I think), but now it was so much more.  Making love the way we did each night was everything he'd always wanted and I'd always refused.  I can't remember why I ever denied him this._

_"Spike," I say huskily, "help me rock William to sleep"._

_"He's already sleeping luv," he replies in his seductive voice.  "Have to wake him up first.  Let him know what an insatiable mummy he has.  Could teach the little sprog how to satisfy a woman".  What he's saying is just indecent, but I don't care.  He leers knowingly, eyes hooded, tongue curled.  When he looks at me like that, everything melts away but my desire._

_Later, our passion quenched, we're rocking together, rhythmically and peacefully. Spike nuzzles into my neck, nipping gently with his teeth.  I turn my head and bare my jugular to him, sighing happily._

_"Bloody hell, Buffy.  Vampire here!  Do you have no sense of self-preservation, woman?" he demands incredulously.  "Do you realize what exposing your neck to me like that does to me?"_

_"I think I've figured it out," I say.  After a beat, I add, "You could, you know.  I wouldn't mind.  I trust you"._

_He pulls back, looks into my eyes.  "Blood lust is a powerful thing, pet.  I've controlled it so long, s'not so bad now.  But if I were to start... especially Slayer blood...  I don't know if I could stop"._

_"Spike, you are the strongest person I know.  You can control it".  I bite him on the neck, hard, and he shivers.  I bite him harder, hard enough to draw blood, and he growls.  "See?  If you were any other vamp, you'd be all fangy by now.  You are_ sooo _in control".  I pull his head back down to my neck, wrap my arms and legs tighter around him, rocking us together.  "I believe in you"._

_He nuzzles my neck more, inhaling deeply, and I can feel tears falling on my skin.  "I'm so afraid I'll bollix us up, luv," he mumbles into my skin._

_"No!  You won't!" I tell him forcefully, willing him to accept my belief in him.  I shift my head until we're forehead to forehead, eyes so close it's almost impossible to see him.  "We finally get to be happy. Together!   You are the man of my dreams, my lover, my mate, the father of my child"._

_I hold Spike's face in my hands.  "You won't ‘bollix' this up," I repeat.  "You're not a monster, you're a man.  You prove it to me every second of every day".  He sobs, overwhelmed.  His blue eyes are so intense, I'm sure they'll burn right through me._

_I draw his head back down to my neck.  He inhales again, tongue running over my dancing pulse.  He's never bitten me, never even hinted at it, although I know how much he must crave it.  "Go on," I say.  We rock steadily, and I don't think he'll do it.  I want him to though.  I need him to believe in himself as much as I do._

_He quickens the pace of his movements, and I feel his face change.  "It'll hurt," he warns._

_"Eh, I've had worse"._

_It doesn't hurt though.  Spike barely nicks my skin, then sucks gently.  He pulls away, but I beg him not to stop.  The feel of his mouth on my neck is sensual, I finally understand the attraction of bitehouses.  I sense another orgasm coming on, and rock more forcefully._

_As it bursts over me, he clamps down harder, drawing great pulls of blood, and then convulses with a moan.  When he stills, his mouth remains on my neck, but he's stopped drinking.  He grabs the corner of the sheet and presses it against my neck._

_"It shouldn't scar," he whispers, almost fearfully, as if I might reject him now.  In response, I pull the sheet and his hand away, tracing the bite with my finger.  I can barely even feel the two small punctures._

_I wrap my hands in his hair and pull his face to my neck, exposing it to him once more.  "I know you wouldn't ever be that rough," I whisper back at him.  "You'll always stop before you hurt me".  Spike finally accepts my trust in him, and burrows deeper into the hollow of my collar bone, lips resting against my pulse point._

_He hums contentedly.  With his deep, rumbly humming vibrating against me, it feels like he is purring._

_We sleep like that, tangled together and sated, our son growing in my belly, safe in our love._

 

***

 

"He's purring!" Billy mouthed at me in shock.

 

I grinned.  "Humming," I mouthed back. 

 

I let Spike snuggle into us for a while longer, then gently wriggled my way out of his embrace.  I took his hand again.  "Come," I said simply, and began to walk towards home, pulling him along.  He followed without resistance.

 

When we got to our house, Dawn and Bob were on the steps of the porch.  I could see the others inside, trying to watch out the window without being obvious.  Spike looked at the porch, his face a mask of confusion once again.  I was encouraged by how he had seemed to recognize Billy and me quickly enough, and figured it simply took time for his poor broken mind to process things.

 

I beckoned the two of them over.  Dawn came slowly, and Spike sniffed at her.  He focused intently on her face, his mouth working, but no sound coming out.  Then he gave Dawn the same embrace he'd given us earlier.  She stood stock still and stroked his head. 

 

After a time, he turned to Bob, who had now joined our group.  Spike's eyes narrowed, and he cocked his head.  He inhaled deeply, eyes closed, brow furrowed.  I wondered what was different, but whatever it was, Spike seemed satisfied.  He pulled Bob to him, nuzzling him like the rest of us.  Bob's eyes widened in shock.  I stifled a giggle, and could see Dawn doing the same. 

 

Moments later, I drew Spike back to me, stroking the backside of his hand with mine.

 

"Are we inviting him into the house?" Billy asked quietly.

 

"No," I replied.  "He seems safe, but we don't really know.  Annie..." I trailed off.  Billy nodded in understanding.

 

"Besides," Bob said, "I have a feeling if we allowed him in the house, we'd find him snuggled up between us in bed". 

 

Dawn snorted, and Spike turned to her, quizzical.  She stroked his other hand reassuringly.

 

"We have Spike's handy-dandy apartment downstairs, which is coincidentally and fortuitously available now that Dave moved out last month," I said in a chipper voice. 

 

"Indeed, great timing," Bob agreed.

 

"I think he's enough excitement for now kids, so let's take him downstairs, settle him in.  I'll watch over him until the sun comes up, and by then he should be comfortable.  Or at least, he won't be able to go anywhere".

 

Dawn went inside to answer the others' questions, and we took Spike to his apartment.  He looked around blankly.  I led him to the couch.  "Billy?  You want to sit with him a minute?"

 

I walked Bob back to the top of the stairs, out of sight, and then bounced up and down in excitement.  "I can't believe it!  He's really here!" I squeaked.

 

Bob smiled, a little sadly.  "Spike's back," he agreed. 

 

I wondered if he was worried that I would grow distant again, or worse.  I wrapped my arms around, holding him as tightly as I dared, and kissed him deeply.  "You are the most amazing man," I told him.  "Tomorrow, we are _definitely_ not going to want Spike sleeping between us," I promised.

 

He gave me a crooked smile.  "Don't fall asleep, ok?  I know you're the Slayer, but..." he trailed off.

 

"I'll be safe," I assured him.  "I'll send Billy up in a minute".

 

"'Night honey," he said, and left after one last kiss.

 

Once Billy had left, I sat on the couch next to Spike.  He sat there, docile, and I contemplated him.  The partial restoration of the Seed must have healed him enough to give him a little more sense of identity, enough to allow him to find us.  Beyond that, though, it seemed he was as lost as ever. 

 

I remembered my internal debate from years ago.  Now that he was actually here, I couldn't ignore how deeply I yearned to have him restored to his old self, have us restored to what we had lost.  If he regained his missing self, I suspected that there would be a lot of heartache in our future.  I reconsidered my selfish wish for him to stay like this, to have my cake and eat it too.

 

The sense of despair I felt at Spike being this almost empty shell was overpowering.  I shook my head in self-disgust.  We had to heal him, come what may.

 

"Don't worry," I told him.  "We'll take care of you.  We'll fix it".  He reached for me, one hand cupping my face.  I leaned into him, drinking him in, afraid he might disappear if I looked away.  For over 15 years I had waited for this moment.

 

I eased the coat off his shoulders, the boots off his feet.  "You're going to be here awhile, so let's get comfy," I said.  I pulled the throw off the back of couch and covered our laps with it, and then I began to talk to him in a low and steady voice.  I didn't know if Spike understood me, but my voice seemed to comfort him.  I told him of my love for him, of all he had missed over the years. 

 

As the night progressed, he leaned into me while I talked on, wriggling in contentment like a puppy, humming in his rumbling, purring way.  My fingers tugged on his long brown curls, traced the shape of his face, and stroked his arms.  I couldn't stop touching him, reassuring myself he was really there.

 

Just before dawn, he seemed to finally settle into a deep sleep, eyelashes dark on his cheeks.  I kissed the top of his head and breathed in the scent of his hair.  I was sure my heart would burst with joy.

 

"I love you, Spike," I whispered to him. 

 

It felt so amazing to finally be able to tell him again, I repeated it over and over as the sun rose in the sky.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *complains about computer crashing and grumble grumble grumble*
> 
> Luckily I'm just copy-pasting this from another archive! But if I don't reply to your comments anytime soon, it's because I'm on borrowed computer time for the next several days. :(

Once I was sure Spike was sleeping soundly, I extricated myself from his embrace and headed back upstairs.  I was pleased to note that it was going to be a sunny day, which meant that Spike wouldn't be able to leave his apartment.  We wouldn't have to worry about him disappearing again.

 

It looked like everybody had decided to spend the night.  There were bodies here and there throughout the house, curled up in slumber.  I taped a note to the fridge that said "GET BLOOD!", then went upstairs and passed out in my bed.

 

When I stumbled into the kitchen later that morning, Bob was making pancakes for everybody.  "We declared today a holiday," he told me.  "No school or work".  I nodded my agreement.  Who could focus on anything but Spike's arrival at the moment?

 

I turned to Andrew.  "Hey boss, I'm not going to work today".

 

"Oh!  Heh, yeah," he said.  "Hey, me either!"

 

Of course, I usually worked from home, so it wasn't that much of a difference.  The difference was all the other people at home too.

 

Our full house reminded me of the days when we'd all lived together in Sunnydale.  The bustle of so many people was pleasant, though, not jarring and overwhelming like our last few months in Sunnydale had been.

 

When I had a plate of pancakes, Willow spoke.  "I take it Spike is still all amnesia-ish, then?"

 

 I shrugged.  "He seems a little more together than last time, but he's definitely not himself".

 

"I have some things I'd like to try on him later today, if that's ok with you?" 

 

 _What will you do if she heals him?_ my mind whispered.  I ignored it, and nodded firmly.  "Yes.  Let's try to get him fixed up".  I didn't look at Bob.  I was afraid to see his expression.

 

The rest of the morning was spent shopping for Spike.  Dawn went with me.

 

We began with a blood supplier that was approved of by my council.  They were certified ‘humane', which meant that the human blood was willingly donated, surplus stock which they purchased on the QT from organizations like the Red Cross.  Vampires healed faster with human blood.  I didn't know if Spike's broken mind was akin to a physical wound, but I guessed it couldn't hurt to try. 

 

 _Slayer blood would be even better_ I thought, but decided not to pursue that idea for now.  I didn't want to encourage Spike to associate me with food.

 

We stopped at the butcher next, where I arranged a standing weekly order of pig's blood.  After that, we visited the local magic shop for supplies for Willow, adding Burba weed when Dawn remembered how he'd always stolen it from Anya to spice up his blood.

 

The grocery store was our next stop.  We walked up and down the aisles, grabbing foods and giggling as we remembered all the crazy things Spike liked to eat.  We paused in the liquor aisle, gazing at the bottles of whiskey, but I shook my head.  "We don't exactly know how booze will affect him.  Better not take the chance," I decided.

 

When we'd piled the groceries into the car, I looked at my watch.  "I think we have time for the mall," I said.

 

"Ooh, shopping!" Dawn clapped.  "For what?"

 

"I gave away almost all his clothes," I confessed guiltily.  "After Bob and I were married.  I only kept a few shirts".

 

"Buffy, you shouldn't feel bad about that.  It had been years by then," Dawn tried to comfort me.  "Besides, how hard will it be to replace his wardrobe?  Black tshirt, black tshirt, black tshirt, red button down shirt, black tshirt.  Add a couple pairs of black jeans and we're done!"

 

I chuckled.  "Maybe we could give him a makeover," I said mischievously.  "Do you think he'd even notice?"

 

"I'm picturing him in tweed suits," Dawn suggested, sniggering.  "Or how about super-baggy jeans and hoodie sweatshirts!"

 

"I'm thinking business casual.  Some nice Chinos and crisp white shirts".

 

"Or how about redneck style?  Cammo pants and a wife beater?" she guffawed.

 

"Polyester pants and Hawaiian shirts!" I gasped, unable to even form a full sentence.  We held each other up, shaking with laughter.

 

"So... jeans and tshirts?" I said when we'd recovered.

 

"Probably for the best," she replied.  "If he came to his senses and found himself in anything else, he might kill us".

 

It was well into the afternoon by the time we returned home.  Annie and her cousins were playing the back yard.  The men were watching some superhero movie, Xander and Andrew arguing over whether it was cannon with the comics. 

 

Willow sat at her laptop, researching.  She looked up.  "Oh good!  You're back!"  She shut the laptop down.  "I wanted to try one of the spells before it got too late, so I would have time to figure out what to try next".

 

"Give me a mo and then we'll do it".  I glanced at the clock.  "Spike's probably hungry by now, anyhow".

 

I went into the living room and cuddled up to Bob.  He shifted so I was in his arms.  "Hey lover," I whispered in his ear.  I was determined to make sure Bob felt the love.  Our marriage had always been a priority for us, and I needed to remind myself of that.

 

Bob turned so he could see my face, searching for something.  After a bit, he kissed me softly.  "Get the things you needed, honey?"

 

"Not yet," I smirked, nibbling on his lips. 

 

His breath hitched.  He glanced at the others in the room, who were oblivious.  "You want...?"

 

I sighed.  "Willow wants me first.  Uh, I mean, needs my help," I stammered.  I looked back at his lips.  "Just... you know.  Missed you".

 

"Ah," he said as I stood up.  "Tease".  I gave him a little butt wiggle, and he slapped my rear.

 

Willow popped her head into the room.  "Ready Buff?"  All eyes turned to her.  "I'm just going to need Buffy for this".  She looked down at her book.  "And I think Xander".

 

 "Scooby Power!" he crowed. 

 

"What about me?" Billy asked.

 

"Not yet," Willow said.  "I want to keep things as simple as possible".  Billy turned back to Andrew to continue the conversation about the movie.

 

When we stepped outside, I took both their hands in mine.  I didn't remember the last time we'd done that, and it felt great.  I beamed at them, and it evolved into a group hug.  We held on tightly.

 

Xander straightened up, running his hands through his hair.  "Tell me, did my gray hairs go away, because I suddenly feel years younger".

 

"Sorry, Xand.  Time marches on," I told him.

 

He looked at me closely.  "Not for you though.  You're a perpetual 29.  It's just not fair".

 

I shrugged.  "You know the deal.  Previously unknown Slayer perk.   If you make it to 25, you get a shiny reward.  I'm just the first one to ever do it, so it wasn't included in the brochure".

 

"I'm not sure that's it, Buffster," Xander argued.  "Faith and the others still seem to be aging, just very slowly".

 

I shrugged again.  "Andrew thinks it's because I'm the original Slayer so I got all the mojo.   My personal theory is that it has something to do with the whole resurrection thingie.  And anyhow, we don't actually know what the deal is.  This eternal youth thing might turn off one day, and then I'll become really ancient overnight".

 

"Whoa, can you imagine?  You and Bob will say goodnight, all snuggly-wugglied up, and then in the morning - AAAHHHH!" Willow waved her hands in mock fright.

 

"And on that note... we have the actual creature of eternal youth to deal with".  I went to the car and lifted out the purchases I'd made.  "You guys enjoy the sun for a minute while I put this stuff away and get Spike up".

 

Heading downstairs, I listened, but didn't hear any noise.  I slid the food and blood into the little fridge, pouring one bag of blood into a mug and heating in the microwave.  When it was done, I walked over to the couch and knelt by Spike's head.    He looked peaceful, like a fallen angel.

 

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and used it to take a picture.  _Ha, got you now!_  

 

Spike's lips trembled with unheard words.  Unable to resist, I brushed my lips against his.  They were as soft and cool as I remembered.  My throat constricted, joy at his return and grief at the fact that he was still lost to me battling in my heart.  I stroked his hair and whispered, "Wake up, sleepy".

 

His eyes popped open.  They riveted on me briefly, glazed over, and refocused again.  His hand moved out to trace my lips as he licked his own.  Stupid vampire senses.  I moved back, trying to control my raging emotions.  I realized I had his food in my hand, and held it between us like a shield.  "Hungry?"  I wafted the mug under his nose.

 

Spike looked down at the cup, surprised.  I grabbed his hand and wrapped it around the handle.  "Eat.  I have more if you're still hungry".  He brought the cup slowly to the mouth and sipped, then gulped the rest in obvious delight.  When he was finished, he began to stare at me again. 

 

I babbled, "Want more?" I took the cup from him and moved back to the fridge, getting out another packet to heat.  When it was ready, I set it on the counter and went to the stairs.  "Guys?" I called out.

 

I turned back to Spike, who had moved to stand in the middle of the room.  "Willow and Xander are going to come visit you, ok?  They want to say hi.  They've missed you too".  I could hear them coming down the stairs.  Spike looked over to see what the noise was. 

 

While the others stood expectantly at the bottom, I watched Spike.  He didn't seem bothered by their sudden appearance, but he also didn't seem to be interested in performing his greeting ritual from the night before.

 

Willow moved first.  "Spike," she began, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in a loose hug.  "I'm happy to see you".  Spike gave her a little sniff, and then stood there patiently until she let him go.

 

Xander was next.  "Fang man!" he said jovially.  He patted Spike's back in a manly greeting.  "I've missed you buddy!"  Spike cocked his head at Xander, then thumped him on the back of the shoulder in return.  Except he used his full strength, and Xander went stumbling.  "I'll take that as a ‘glad to see you too'," he said.

 

I handed Spike his cup, and he drained it in three long gulps, then handed it back to me, his face expectant.  "Do you want more?" I asked him, holding up another bag.  He actually wriggled.

 

"Oh my, he's so cute!" Willow giggled.

 

"I know.  Like a puppy," I told her.  "It's going to be hard not to treat him like a pet".

 

Xander reached over and scratched Spike on the back of the head.  "Who's a good little doggy?" he cooed.  Spike turned and glared at him.  "Or not!" he said, backing off, hands up in surrender.

 

When Spike seemed to be full, I sat on the couch, and he sat next to my feet, draping his arm over my knees, watching Willow and Xander blankly.

 

"That's a little bit creepy, Buffy," Xander said.

 

"Isn't it?  I feel so bad.  If Spike could see himself like this, he'd wig".

 

Willow sat down cross-legged, then patted the floor for us to follow.  "Let's see what we can do about it," she said.

 

Apparently she couldn't do anything about it.  At least, not yet, she assured me.  "Don't worry, I've got something else to try tomorrow".  She left, saying she needed to get some supplies and do some research. 

 

Xander left too.  "I need to take the family home," he said.  "Lives to live, school and work wait," he apologized.

 

"Let me know when you're ready to leave, I'll come say goodbye," I told him.

 

Spike and I sat in silence.  I wondered if he would want somebody to keep him company all the time.  I didn't want him to get bored and wander off.  I wondered if he would still enjoy television. 

 

I looked at him and tried to imagine how he'd spent the last 15 years of his life.  We knew he'd travelled through Colorado and probably the Midwest, preying on livestock.  What had he done with rest of his time?  I drew a big blank.  What would he want to do now?

 

Now that he was here, I didn't know what to do with him.

 

That night, after everybody had left but Willow, the rest of my family joined me in Spike's apartment.  Annie scrunched her face up.  "He's not as big as I remember".

 

"That's because you're bigger," Billy told her.

 

Spike seemed to be as taken with Annie as he was with the rest of us.  Billy had prepared her for it, so this time the sniffing didn't bother her at all.  "It tickles," was all she said.

 

Not sure what to do, we turned the television on and watched a movie.  Spike seemed entranced by the pictures, but he didn't appear to be following the movie at all.  Whenever one of us gasped or giggled, he'd turn and stare at us in curiosity.

 

When it got late, I asked Billy if he wanted to stay up with Spike.  He agreed readily.  "Don't go to sleep," I warned him.  "If you think you can't stay awake, leave.  Come get me if it's still a long time until dawn".

 

"Do you really think we need to worry?" he asked.

 

"No," I answered, "but you never know.  We can't forget he's a vampire, even if he seems harmless".

 

We left them sitting companionably side-by-side on the couch, watching TV.

 

When Annie was asleep, I made good on my promise to Bob.

 

"You don't have to prove anything to me, honey," he said after. 

 

"I know," I told him sleepily.  "I wanted to show you how much I love you".

 

_I just have to prove it to myself._

 

***

 

You wouldn't think life could settle into a routine so easily following such a highly-anticipated event, but it did.

 

None of Willow's efforts yielded any improvement in Spike, but she wasn't discouraged.  The reactions he'd given to the spells were "encouraging" she pronounced.  "More research!  Books never fail us!"

 

She was so positive, I didn't point out the times when research had indeed failed.  After all, the first miracle had come to pass.  Why not another?

 

We found that Spike was more than capable of taking care of himself.  He seldom remembered to heat up his blood, but he could certainly feed himself.  After I showed him the shower, he used it every few days, and he changed his clothes fairly frequently based on the piles scattered around his apartment. 

 

We didn't have to be with him constantly, either.  He was content to be by himself when we couldn't occupy him.  He'd watch TV or listen to music.  Often he'd just sit quietly. 

 

One evening I caught him leaving the house.  Instead of stopping him, I followed at a distance to see what he would do.  All he did was walk through town, occasionally running short distances, as if he had energy to burn.  Well, it made sense, given that he'd been rather sedentary since he'd arrived.

 

When he was awake, though, usually somebody was visiting with him.  I'd play home movies of Billy's childhood, or Bob would watch TV with him.  Billy unboxed Spike's CDs that I'd saved, and listened to them with him.  Annie wasn't allowed to visit Spike by herself, but she'd go with us and use him to practice having an audience for her poetry recitations, or her lines in a play.  Sometimes Dawn's family would come over, and we'd all go downstairs and play cards while he sat with us.

 

If it was a pleasant evening, we'd take him out in the car, for walks along the beach, or in the park.  He went willingly, no matter what we were doing.

 

Sometimes we'd have to go out without Spike, and we'd come home to find him sitting on the front porch, waiting for us.  Billy or I would sit next to him, quietly, looking into the dark, and I would be reminded of our time on the back porch in Sunnydale.

 

No matter who he was with, however, Spike always felt the need to be touching us.  If you sat at his little table, he'd sit at your feet, chin on your knee.  If you were on the couch, you got the full snuggle treatment.

 

After a few times of being cuddled up to, Bob stopped sitting on the couch.

 

If we took Spike on a walk, he'd hold one hand in each of his, or put his arm around my waist.

 

If I stroked his head or caressed his arm, he'd close his eyes in bliss and give his rumbly purr.  No matter what, he was always happy to see us.  He wouldn't settle down until he'd sniffed us over or nuzzled our necks. 

 

It _really_ was hard not to treat him like a dog.  I often found myself scratching behind his ears.  Whenever I caught myself doing it, I'd stop and give him a long description of my day at work, or the latest political scandal.  Naturally, it was a one-sided conversation, so I'd have to imagine his responses.  Spike was always very rude and snarky inside my head.

 

For a couple of years now, I'd been taking Billy to patrol with me a few times a month.  I was made for the hunt, and while I never put myself in danger, I got incredibly antsy if I didn't expunge some energy slaying.  With his enhanced stamina, Billy enjoyed it too. 

 

One day, we decided to take Spike along and see how he fared.  He'd always loved a good brawl, and I thought it might help with his need for movement.

 

When we came upon a pack of zompires, Spike cocked his head and stared at them without any real sign of interest, so I asked Billy to look after him and dove into the fray.  Within moments, Spike was at my side, throwing punches with a look of gleeful abandon. 

 

Unfortunately, he was no longer a very skillful fighter.  In fact, he pretty much sucked, and so we had to devote a good portion of our attention to his safety.

 

Still, when it was over, he was so obviously thrilled to have been part of the fight that we brought him along thereafter.

 

***

 

 

As time went on, we simply accepted Spike the way he way.  He was, without a doubt, happy.  He rarely ever showed signs of distress.  And as that evil part of my mind reminded me, it was nice to have Spike back in my life without having to choose between him and my husband.

 

I found that as I spent time with him, his presence no longer dredged up old emotions, and after awhile, I stopped desiring more.

 

Very rarely, when we cuddled on his couch, his hands would drift to inappropriate places, or his lips would move from my neck and try to brush against my lips, but it was easy to deflect him.  He never intended anything more than to express his affection for me, and after the first few times, I automatically redirected his attention without even realizing it.

 

It must have been obvious to Bob when my feelings about Spike's presence clarified and settled down, because he became more at ease too.  I stopped feeling like I had to prove my affection for my husband, and just let it come naturally.

 

***

 

 A few months had passed since Spike had begun to live with us and my tenth wedding anniversary was this weekend.  I had booked a room at a popular inn almost a year ago, before Spike's return, and I didn't know what to do.

 

"Go!"  Dawn encouraged me over the phone.  "We'll stay at your house and babysit.  You need to do this".

 

"The kids don't really need a sitter if you don't want to...".

 

"I was thinking more of the cellar dweller," Dawn answered.

 

"I don't know," I whined.  "Maybe we should just stay the one night".  The original reservation was for two nights.  I had really been looking forward to it.  The inn had themed rooms, and you had to make reservations months and sometimes years in advance.

 

"Buffy!" Dawn admonished.  "You've got the reservations for the Arabian Nights suite. You've got the sexy belly dancer clothes.  You've learned the sexy belly dance, which is guaranteed to make your husband's eyes bug out of his head.  You're going".

 

"All right," I huffed.  "You're so bossy!"

 

"Learned it from the best!" she teased.

 

Bob's eyes did indeed bug out of his head.  In fact, he enjoyed my little act so much that the next time both kids were away at sleepovers, I decided to surprise him with it again.

 

He came home from work in the early evening hours, and I met him at the door, bejeweled and scarved.  He looked behind him to make sure no neighbors had seen me, then moved inside and quickly shut the door, trembling slightly.  I preened to myself, enjoying how affected he was.

 

I peered up at him demurely from beneath lowered lashes, and whispered sultrily, "Your dinner is ready sire," then turned and swayed into the dining room. 

 

The bags in Bob's hands crashed to the floor and he hurried after me, but instead of being seated as I bade him to do, he spun me around, and pulled me hard against his body, kissing me hungrily.  The tiny bells on my clothes and my anklets tinkled in response.  I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and pressed up against him.  My thin clothes didn't leave much to imagination.

 

Our lovemaking tended toward sweet and satisfying, rather than wild and spontaneous, but tonight was an exception.  In a scene worthy of movie romance, Bob swept the table clean, and sat me upon it.  _Good thing I hadn't put the food out yet_ I thought fuzzily.  But then he kissed me more passionately than he'd ever kissed me before, and I forgot everything else.

 

 Bob quickly lost all of his clothing, and I was bare except for my jewelry and veils.  He climbed onto the table after me, and knowing the kids weren't home to hear, I let myself go, moaning and keening my delight at his touch.  Before long, I found myself at the other end of the table, my head hanging off of it, looking at the upside down world outside the window.

 

I felt an orgasm coming on, and grabbed onto Bob's arms, shutting my eyes tightly.  Bob, usually so quiet, encouraged me loudly.  "Come on Buffy, that's it honey, come for me sweet girl!"  His words brought on my release, and I screamed loudly, then lay back, eyes still shut.

 

He quickened his pace, and I could tell he was close.  All of a sudden, I heard a loud growl reverberating in the room.  Bob froze, and I lifted my head and looked at him.  He face was frozen in shock, eyes glued to the window, mouth a perfect ‘O' of surprise.  I dropped my head and gazed out the window, upside down.

 

The first thing I saw was fangs inside a snarling mouth.  _Huh?_ my hazy mind tried to process.  Then I saw the yellowed eyes, glaring in at us in fury.  _Vampire?_

 

Everything snapped into focus.

 

Spikeroared with outrage, clawing desperately at the window, trying to get in,

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

Bob squeaked, and scrambled backwards so fast, he fell off the table. "Oh my God, oh my God," he babbled as he pulled his pants on.

 

I glanced between my husband and Spike, who was still trying to get through the mystical barrier and into our house.

 

And then I erupted into hysterical laughter.

 

Bob glared at me.  "Buffy!  NOT seeing the humor here!"

 

"Oh come on," I gasped.  "It is too funny!"

 

"No, it's not".  He glared at me harder, then looked at Spike staring in the window.  "For heaven's sake, cover yourself up," he said coldly.

 

I waved my hand at him dismissively.  "Whatever," I replied, hurt.  Maybe laughing hadn't been the best reaction, but really, what else was a girl to do?  "I'll get dressed, calm him down".  I figured Bob would be over himself by the time I came back.

 

I ran upstairs and quickly dressed, then hurried outside.  Spike was at the front door, staring sullenly at the house.  When I stepped outside, he roughly pulled me to him and began his greeting ritual, but quickly pushed me away with a growl.

 

Oh, yeah.  Vampire.  I must have still smelled like Bob.  I wondered if I should go shower, but then I decided that Spike would just have to deal with it.  Bob was my husband, and there was no way I was going to always be able to hide our activities from the vampire.  And absolutely no reason I should, even if I couldn't think of how to make Spike understand.

 

"You know what?" I snapped.  "So not dealing with jealous vampire crap.  Sorry".  With that, I wrapped my arms around him and stroked his head soothingly.  "It's ok, William.  I promise.  I still love you". 

 

He accepted my embrace, but growled softly the entire time.   I sighed.  "I'm not yours anymore, Spike.  At least, not like that.  You're going to have to get used to it".  I doubted he understood, but there was nothing more I could do.

 

"Wait here," I commanded, then went to the door.  "Babe?" I called.  "Will you come talk to Spike, please?"

 

I had to give it to Bob; he did, even though he was obviously unwilling.  When he came to the door, Spike's growls increased, but I stood in front of the angry vampire and scolded him like a bad dog.  "No!"

 

I took Bob's hand and drew him outside, to my side, then wrapped my arms around him and kissed him on the lips.  He stood there stiffly, and flinched when Spike's growls began again.

 

"Spike, NO!" I said.  I didn't know what to do.  I hated treating him like a dog, but it wasn't as if I had any other way to communicate with him.  I kissed my husband more, hoping Spike would get the message.

 

"At least try to pretend you're enjoying this," I hissed at Bob. 

 

"Sorry, honey, feeling a little intimidated right now," he hissed back.

 

"It's just _Spike_!"

 

"Yeah, but you're not the one he wants to kill right now".

 

I looked at Spike.  This was true.  His lips were curled in a snarl and he was hovering menacingly, glaring at Bob. 

 

"Enough!" I huffed at Spike.  I took his hands, and pulled him to me.  Grabbing his face so he had to look at me, I said, "No more, Spike".  He calmed a little, and settled on pouting.  "See, good," I told him, and held him gently.  He sighed, and closed his yellowed eyes.

 

"Hug us both," I said to Bob.  He shook his head in alarm.  "Trust me," I said.  He raised his arms cautiously, then loosely wrapped them around us.  Spike growled, and Bob flinched but didn't move.

 

"Talk to him," I added.

 

"It's ok, Spike," he said.  Spike's face relaxed into his human one, and Bob, assured by this, squeezed tighter.  I turned my head to kiss Bob, and this time, Spike just stared at us. 

 

When I turned my head back, Spike tried to kiss me, but I moved my head so his lips only met my forehead.

 

"Well, this is just awkward," Bob said.  That was the understatement of the year.

 

"I think we can let go," I said hopefully.  We stepped back.  Spike stood there.  "What should we do now?"

 

Bob shrugged helplessly.  "Go for a walk?"

 

It seemed like a good idea.  We set off, Spike in between us, content once more.

 

***

 

Later that night, tucked in bed, I curled up around Bob, and pressed myself into his back.  He wiggled a little, but otherwise didn't acknowledge me.  I ran my fingers up and down his arm, and he still didn't react.

 

I tried nibbling on his ear.  He turned to me with a sigh.  "You don't want to... finish?" I asked in a small voice.

 

"Darling, I don't think I'm going to be able to get it up for a long, long time," he said bemusedly.

 

"It was just Spike," I sulked.

 

"Uh-huh.  About that...".

 

"What?" I asked in alarm.  "About that what?"

 

"Look, honey.  I'm not trying to... It's that... Can you see it from my point of view?  What if it were the other way around?  What if it were my brain-damaged vampire ex-lover who lived in our basement that I took care of every day?  Not only that, but who went crazy every time we tried to get it on?"

 

"I thought you were ok with it," I said testily.

 

"I am.  You know I am.  But after tonight... I realized, it's a lot to deal with, you know.  It's been hard on me, and honestly, we haven't talked much about it since he came.  I don't want resentment to build up, especially since it looks like this is going to be our life here on out.  Spike is always going to be here, with us".

 

I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed.  "So what, do you want him to go?  He has no one else, Bob".

 

"I know.  But you have to remember that he was fine for years.  He doesn't need your constant attention".

 

"He shouldn't have to be fine like this though!  It's not right!  You should know, you were Spike's best friend!" I yelled.

 

"I'm not arguing with you Buffy.  Honey, please, listen to me," Bob begged.  "I'm only asking you to see it from my point of view.  To realize how hard it is for me.  It's not like we're taking care of your senile father.  Spike was - is - the man you love.  More than me.  It's painful to be reminded of that every day".

 

My eyes filled with tears.  "Oh, no... no, no, no," I gulped.  "Not more than you.  Just different," I whispered.  I kissed him, trying to show all my love with that one gesture.

 

I pulled back and sniffled.  "And you're right.  I'm sorry.  Maybe we can find somewhere else for Spike to live.  At least for awhile".  I thought about it.  "I don't think I can't talk Xander into taking him this time, though".

 

Bob shook his head.  "I don't need Spike to leave.  I just need you to remember my side of it sometimes".

 

"Thank you," I said softly.  "Have I told you lately how incredibly lucky I am to have you?"

 

Bob gave me a wink.  "A guy doesn't tire of hearing a pretty lady say it".    We kissed again, and eventually finished what we'd started hours earlier.

 

***

 

Occasionally, Spike had visitors.  Gunn came, and left shaking his head.  "It ain't right, Spike being like that.  Still, never thought I'd see his face again.  It's more than I ever expected".  He looked at Spike's brown curls, and took a picture.  "I'm gonna tease him with this someday," he joked.

 

Betta George came.  " _His mind is disconcerting.  I can sense his emotions, and he seems to have pictures flashing through his brain, but I couldn't reach him any better than you have,_ " he told me.

 

On another occasion, George brought Beck, a woman in her late thirties and dressed all in black leather.  Beck looked at me disdainfully, and wouldn't say much to me either.  She talked to Spike for awhile, and was obviously upset when she left.  She never came back. 

 

"What was her deal?" I asked George the next time I saw him.

 

" _She was... fond of Spike.  She looked up to him, tried to emulate him_ ".

 

 _Loved him too_ I thought.  I didn't like to be reminded that Spike had lived a life apart from me after Sunnydale.

 

Angel came, on his own.  Faith had married a year ago, and was enjoying being ‘normal' for a change, so Angel carried on the good fight, alone once again. 

 

He didn't stay long, though.  I sat on my front porch waiting for him, Spike by my side.  The moment Angel stepped from his car, Spike vamped out and began to growl ferociously.  When Angel tried to come up our driveway, Spike stood in front of me, snarling and snapping like a rabid dog.

 

Angel retreated, and Spike settled down. 

 

"Buffy?" he called to me from the street.  "I don't think Spike wants to see me".  I laughed.  I had asked Angel to come, still hoping that somebody would trigger Spike's recovery.  Was it Angel himself that Spike was ‘protecting' me from, or simply another vampire?

 

***

 

Billy was rapidly approaching 16.  He had joined a band, and he found himself torn between hanging out with the guys at night and caring for his father.  I felt bad for him.  We had found Spike, but Billy still didn't know his father.  Spike, on the other hand, was definitely attached to Billy, and spent a lot of time staring at his face, but that didn't make for much of a relationship with a teenager.

 

***

 

One day, Willow called.  She said she had one more spell to try.

 

"This one's a little different, Buffy," she told me, as she set up the candles.  "It's kind of a diagnostic test.  Like, when you take your car into the garage, and they hook it up to the computer and tell you what's wrong with it".

 

"You're going to hook Spike up to a computer?" I frowned.

 

"No, no.  But the spell will tell me what part of him is broken and how to fix it.  It's kind of hard to explain.  Just watch".

 

"That's some cool magic, Will!"

 

"Yeah.  Too bad it only works on mystical owies.  Otherwise I could put doctors right out of business".

 

"Probably safer for _your_ health that you can't.  Those doctors can be vicious when you take away their clients, Hippocratic Oath be damned!" I joked.

 

The spell caused Willow to turn green and glow-y.  She approached Spike, and slowly passed her hands over him without actually touching him.  When she reached his head, the glow turned an angry red, and she stopped.  For awhile she just stood there, and then without warning, plunged her hands into his head.

 

I screamed.  I couldn't help it.

 

She looked at me in irritation, and continued what she was doing.  Spike seemed unaffected, so I shut up.  She chanted more, moving her hands slowly, and eventually the glow turned into swirls of green and red.  Then she stepped back, and shuddered, eyes closed.  The glow disappeared completely.

 

For the longest time, she didn't say anything, and I was afraid she had fallen asleep, but I didn't want to disturb her and incur her witchy wrath again.

 

Eventually she opened her eyes.  "Juice?" she croaked.  I hurried to oblige.

 

After drinking deeply, she began.  "There's good news, and there's less good news".

 

I waited.

 

"The effects of the spell are over.  That's the good news.  In theory, he should be fine.  The separation that was forced on his consciousness blocked it from returning to his body, and that block is no longer there.  In fact, it looks like it's been gone for awhile.  One of the healing spells I did must have worked".

 

"I know there's a big ‘but' in there somewhere, because the mute and mostly obedient Spike sitting next to us tells me otherwise," I grimaced.

 

"And that's the less good news.  It looks like by the time I removed the block, he was used to being like this.  That's really all it is.  He no longer remembers how to be whole, so his own lack of desire to be so is blocking his return".

 

"But we can fix it, right?  How can we fix it?" I demanded.

 

"We can't," Willow said.  "Only Spike can".

 

"Point out to me where this goes, because first you tell me Spike doesn't want to be fixed, and then you tell me only Spike can fix it.  I'm not seeing a solution here," I said angrily.  I couldn't help but be angry.  This wasn't good news at all.

 

Willow put her arms around me in sympathy.  "Spike needs to want to get himself back.  It could happen at any time.  Or never.  Right now, there's no reason for him to.  My guess is, if he suffers a big enough shock, or gets in a situation that is too dangerous, he'll suddenly pull together".

 

"Or die".  I said. 

 

Willow shrugged helplessly.  "I'm sorry Buffy.  There's nothing else we can do".

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of the dialog in this chapter is taken from season nine, volume six. Spoilers abound. In fact, it was this very issue that inspired me to write my first fanfic. I had too many feelings to contain.
> 
>  
> 
> This was a tough chapter to write, but hopefully it isn't obvious. I've never been in the situation Buffy finds herself in, so I had to do my best to imagine her responses.

 

Connor came to visit not long after Billy turned 16.  As Billy grew older, he found himself drawn to Angel's son, since the older man had struggled with many of the same issues as Billy.  Connor, for his part, enjoyed playing the role of favorite uncle.

 

When Connor left, Billy came to me with questions.  "You know Mom, in all this time, I've never wondered how I could have a vampire father.  Since, y'know, Connor had one too, it didn't seem that weird.  It's not normal though.  It's not even possible".

 

"Normally, no," I said cautiously.

 

"Connor said the PTB did something to make it happen and fit a prophesy, gave me the whole strory.  You've never told me how I happened".

 

I gulped.  I wasn't sure what to tell him.  Certainly not the complete truth. 

 

***

 

_I close my eyes, shake the little stick, and open them again.  Still positive._

_Crap._

_How did this happen?_

_Logically, I know how.  Buffy gets very drunk.  Buffy has unprotected sex.  Sperm encounters Buffy's egg.  A few weeks and a whole lot of puking later, pregnancy test shows positive._

_The problem is, Buffy was so drunk that Buffy doesn't remember having unprotected sex at her - my - housewarming party.  It is the only possibility, though.  I know I haven't been getting any other action.  Other than the Slayage kind._

_And again, crap._

_Because if I don't remember having sex, I also don't remember who I had it with._

_The list of possible candidates doesn't inspire confidence.  Every man there was either a little bit... well, smelly, to be honest (like Tumble and Root), or unavailable (Riley, Xander, and Andrew, who I have to include as unavailable because I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing that way).  Or I didn't even know them at all.  Never good to have a complete stranger father a baby with you._

_Of course, Spike was there too, but the concept of it being Spike is ridiculous.  Unless breaking the Seed has suddenly made vampires fertile, Angel is the only vampire to have ever had a kid, and those were extra special circumstances with mystical intervention and everything.  True, those PTB like to yank my chain, but I have a feeling I did this one on my own._

_Besides, I'm fairly certain that if Spike and I had gotten busy, he would be too much of a pig not to remind me of it.  Unless he was so drunk too that he doesn't remember either.  It's pretty hard to get Spike that drunk, but I vaguely recall him being pretty trashed._

_Either which way, irrelevant, because, hey - vampire._

_Even if Spike is the only candidate that doesn't make me want to curl up and die._

_Somebody pounds on the door.  I suppose I should get out of the bathroom.  It's not like I can pee on the stick some more and make it say something different._

_I exit.  Anaheed is there, still waiting to talk to talk to me.  I know they're upset now that they know about my Slayer gig, and I don't blame them, but at this moment, I can't deal._

_"Sorry," I say. "I must have the flu, I've been all yuck.  Gotta go sleep," and I hurry to my room._

_I lay curled on the bed, and think idly that I must have gone into shock, because I don't seem to be having any feelings about being pregnant at this moment in time.  It certainly seems like a topic I should have feelings about._

_After the crazy slayer dreams, the psycho fairy, and Willow taking off with the scythe this morning, it's all too much.  I try to make sense of what is happening, but I can't._

_Instead, I fall asleep._

***

 

_Guilt and despair are my constant companions._

_The same thoughts keep going round and round in my mind._

_Obviously I am in no position to raise a child.  Especially on my own, because it would definitely be on my own.  Nobody has given me a hint that they slept with me, and I'm not going to go around asking.  I don't really want the answer anyhow.  My life is a mess.  What child would want to belong to_ me _?_

_I consider the other choices.  I could give the baby up for adoption.  Problem is, the Slayage finds me even when I try to hide from it.  In a few months, I'll be incapable of protecting myself.  It is going to be very dangerous for me to be pregnant.  I can't see going through all that to just hand the baby over to strangers._

_On the other hand, my mission as the Slayer is to protect humanity.  This child is human, part of my mission, isn't it?_

_Which brings me to the other choice.  Abortion.  Right now, it's not yet human.  Not yet a baby.  It only has the potential to be one, much like the eggs I shed every month.  I'm not sure I believe that, but I try to convince myself it's true, because no matter which way I look at it, me going through with this pregnancy is a bad idea.  Not just for me.  Not just for a potential child.  But possibly for the world._

_I don't want to sound like I have a messiah complex or something, but having the fate of the world rest on your shoulders for the last ten years of your life will do that to a girl._

_Is it really enough of an excuse to end this maybe life?_

_My thoughts circle ‘round again and again._

_***_

_I hang up the phone.  I've just told Dawn, and she is coming over._

_I'm glad, because I've tried to deal with this on my own for the last few days, and I can't do it anymore.  I need advice.  I need my sister._

_Dawn's presence helps.  She asks me who the father is and I have to tell her I don't know.  I cringe. She is nothing but supportive.  We go through the list of potentials, although I leave Xander off.  I really don't suspect it would be him anyhow, so why even mention it?_

_Dawn is surprised when I include Spike.  So am I.  I know it can't be him, but his name slips right out, reminding me that he is still the only one I could imagine being a father to my child._

_It doesn't much matter who the father is.  I am not going to be raising a child with any of the men at my party.  "No matter who it is, I think I'm on my own," I tell Dawn._

_I've worried about this non-stop.  Raising a baby as a single mother is hard enough.  But as a Slayer too?  The idea overwhelms me._

_Dawn has made plans to stay with me, and help me figure it out, but I realize something.  I'm not the first Slayer in this position._

_"Thanks, Dawnie.  But I think there's someone else I need to talk to first"._

_***_

_Talking with Robin helps, but doesn't lead me to an easy choice.  According to him, growing up the child of a Slayer is not something he would choose to do, but at least he got the chance to grow up at all._

_Hi advice surprises me.  "I think you should consider having the baby," he says to me.  When he tells me the story of how Nikki tried to give up slaying for him, but failed, I don't understand his point._

_"She was chosen, Buffy.  Just like you.  No matter where she went.  No matter how much she wanted to be with me.  She wasn't strong enough to ignore it.  She had to be a Slayer"._

_I totally identify with Nikki.  I've tried to give it up.  But it's who I am.  And this means I should keep the baby why?  "I don't get it.  Where's the part of the story that makes you think I should have a kid?"_

_Robin tells me how I'm different from his mother.  Stronger.  He points out that I've raised Dawn, led an army.  "That's why I think you can have this baby.  The difference between you and Nikki is when things get tough, you let people help.  So if you decide to have that baby, don't do it by yourself._

_"Don't worry, I won't," I say.  Because I realize he's right.  I have Dawn and Xander.  I have Willow, even if she's not around right now.  And I have Spike._

_Robin's words inspire me.  I can give up Slaying, if I want.  There's no Watcher, no Council to tell me what to do.  There are other girls to take my place._

_And if I do keep Slaying?  Well, there's a reason I'm alive long past any other Slayer.  It's because I have people to do it with me.  I have Spike to keep me alive (although, ironic, since Spike is the reason Robin's mother isn't alive).  Still, Spike would watch my back, I have no doubt.  Spike always has my back._

_The more I think about it, the more I want this.  I don't know if Spike is still in love with me.  I don't know if I'm still in love with him.  If I ever was.  But I know I love him, and I'm pretty sure he still cares about me._

_Maybe he didn't get me pregnant, but it doesn't mean he couldn't be the baby's daddy.  I smile to myself.  Spike would be an amazing father.  We would be bloody brilliant together, as he would say._

_My dream life grows inside my mind.  By the time I get home, I can't wait to tell Spike.  I text him, asking him to come over and talk._

_***_

_By the time he arrives, the fantasy has crumbled.  How self-centered am I to put this all on Spike?  He would do it for me, I know he would.  But I can't burden him with this.  It's not fair._

_As he's pointed out to me several times in the last couple of months, he's been his own man these past few years, and he's been enjoying it.  I'm not going to make him give it up._

_And I can't put it on anybody else either.  Which brings me back to doing it on my own.  The choice is obvious._

_I'm sitting on the edge of the pool, dangling my feet in the water, when he gets there.  "Everything ok?" he asks._

_I remember he'd been with Dowling, training him about vampires.  "How was the ride-along?" I say._

_"Dowling's a good bloke.  If a bit nosy".  He squats down next to me.  "Buff...," he begins, his voice rumbly.  "There's something I need to tell you"._

_I have to speak first.  I have to... "Can I go first?  I need to say it before the words disappear.  I want to do something.  And I think it's going to be hard"._

_"Anything for you luv," he interjects.  Oh, don't I know it.  My fantasy swells and crumbles within the space of a heartbeat.  I have to stay strong._

_"Spike, I'm going to have an abortion".  There.  It's out._

_He falls backwards onto his ass with a thump.  A moment's pause ensues, and then, "You're pregnant?"_

_The words come tumbling out.  "Robin told me how Nikki tried to run away from Slaying after he was born.  And I thought I could do what she couldn't.  I thought I had everything that Nikki didn't.  Dawn, Xander, Willow...".  I can't bring myself to look at him.  "You"._

_I hear him inhale sharply, and I turn to him.  "I was ready to ask you to run away with me.  But then I realized... I'm barely able to hold onto a job.  I live with roommates who are about to kick me out.  And I can't even hold my alcohol well enough to remember who got me pregnant"._

_Spike gets to his feet, squats next to me again.  "I can handle the Slayer stuff.  I_ can _do what Nikki couldn't.  But everything else?  I'm not ready.  At least not now.  It's not Slaying.  It's_ me _".  I'm willing Spike to understand.  The tears start to spill over, I can't help it.  I reach up to rub them away._

_Spike's eyes fill with tears too.  I know he understands.  He always does.  That's why he's the one I always turn to.  "Will you come with me when I do this?"_

_He stands up, reaches a hand out to me.  "Yeah"._

_He pulls me to him, holds me tight while I cry on his shoulder.  I feel his own tears fall on my head.  It always surprises me when he cries.    He's always been so human._

_He feels so good wrapped around me.  He's strong and hard and comforting all at the same time.  I wish again that I could just be selfish and let him take care of me.  It would be so easy.  It would be so wrong._

_He kisses me on the top of my head.  "You wanna come stay on the ship with me ‘til you're ready?" he asks._

_"Mmmm," I agree into his shoulder.  I sigh and step out of the safety of his embrace.  "Will you come up while I get some things?"_

_"Sure, pet," he says, and takes my hand, twining his fingers loosely in mine._

_I glance down at our hands, smiling to myself.    We haven't been very close since he's come to San Fran.  I've missed it.  On more than one occasion I've been tempted to try to build things back up to what they used to be, the closeness we shared in the end, in Sunnydale.  But I've always held off, unsure of what Spike wanted.  I can't read him like I used to.  His beautiful blue eyes used to be open books, but they've been guarded since he's been back._

_Now that the words are out there, the decision made, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.  This is still going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but for the moment I am able to come out of my shell of grief._

_"Hey, what were you going to tell me?" I remember suddenly._

_He looks at me, as if weighing a decision.  "Don' remember," he shrugs.  "Wasn' anything important, I expect"._

_***_

_I spend the night wrapped in his arms, like so long ago.  I hope that someday we'll be able to show each other the affection we feel without the weight of the world hanging over us._

_I stay there, safe, while he sleeps.  I don't have to work today, so I take the opportunity to just be, contemplating this vampire who has turned into a better man than most men are capable of being.  I ghost over the planes of his face with my fingers.  I know it so well.  Being this close to him reminds me of... other things... and I wonder what he would do if I kissed him.   I've screwed up enough of my life at the moment, so I don't.   I don't want to complicate things._

_Eventually, Spike opens his eyes.  He blinks rapidly, then gives me a rueful smile.  "Morning, pet.  How you doin'?"_

_I smile back.  "Good, actually.  Even the morning sickness is gone.  Something about spending the night in your arms always gives me strength"._

_"Well, s'nice to be needed, at least," he says, embarrassed._

_"Don't be getting shirty on me," I tease him, striving for a balance between light and serious.  "You know I need you.  Have for years, and expect to for many more"._

_He doesn't appear to know what to say.  I wonder if I've gone too far._

_"That Dowling fellow is a pleasant chap," he finally says.  "And d'you know, I think he fancies you"._

_My mouth falls open.  Oh yeah, I remember this.  Spike being a hurtful idiot._

_I guess I did go too far.  We're not that close anymore, and Spike's just made it obvious why.  He's trying to set me up with somebody else, for heaven's sakes.  I'm glad I came to my senses before I asked him to raise a baby with me.  He doesn't love me like that any longer._

_I jump out of bed, head for the bathroom.  "Tell you what, I think I'm going to go home for the day.  I'll be out of your way in a minute"._

_When I come out, he's hovering by the door, his face a mix of panic and shame.  "Buffy, I'm sorry, I'm a wanker.  I'm a bad, rude man".  I glare at him.  "Please don't go.  I didn't mean it"._

_"What_ did _you mean, Spike?"  I'm hurt.  And I'm hormonal.  He's not getting off easily.  Besides, I really do need to know what he means._

_He paces, turns, looks like he's going to talk, but doesn't.  He takes a deep breath, lets it out.  I wonder what's going through his head._

_He takes my hand, leads me back to the bed.  "Look, Buffy... you'n me, we have a history, yeah?  It hasn't been pretty, and I reckon I've done a lot of stupid things.  I...  get afraid.  ‘Fraid I'm gonna make more mistakes.  Makes me panic, say dumb things"._

_"Wouldn't be you if you didn't say something to piss me off," I smile._

_"Yeah, well.   Thing is, I care about you Buffy.  Always will.  I want you to be happy.  You're working on having that nice normal life, and you don't need me about mucking it up".  I stare at him like he has two heads, but he presses on.  "I get it, I'm here when you need me, but..."._

_"You're an idiot, Spike," I cut him off._

_"Think we've established that, pet," he says testily._

_"So, this is, what?  You giving me the Angel speech?  ‘You should be normal, and I'm not normal, so I can't be near you now?'"_

_"Summat like that," he mumbles._

_I roll my eyes.  "Newsflash, Blondiebear.  Not normal.  Never will be.  And did you hear me yesterday?  Not good with normal, everyday stuff.  Good with the crazy stuff.  Like vampires.  You're a vampire.  We're good"._

_He looks away, searching the room for something.  Then he stares down at his hands.  Moments pass, and just when I think he has nothing more to say, he glances up at my face, draws in a breath, and looks down again.  "I'm still in love with you, Buffy," he says quietly._

_"Oh!" I say, surprised.  He looks at me, and embarrassment flashes across his face.  "I didn't know," I continue dumbly._

_"You know me.  Love's bitch'n all that.  I've tried to let it go, but I can't.  I reckon I'll  always love you".  He stands up, moves away, won't look at me.  "I jus' had to tell you.  Doesn't mean you need to do anything about it.  Jus' wanted you to know.  I care.  Your happiness... means everything to me".  He paces, hesitates, then says, "‘N I could see you being happy with Dowling, know he'd be good for you.  S' why I blurted it out"._

_The conversation strikes me as surreal.  Hearing Spike's declaration of love in the midst of my own personal crisis, sandwiched in between trying to set me up with Dowling on top of it, doesn't seem like the best timing, but then, when does my life ever work out in neat little packages?  If I'm perfectly honest, isn't this what I've wanted to hear from him ever since he's come back into my life?  Minus the Dowling part, of course._

_I realize I'm very much still in love with the vampire myself._

_I walk up to him and hug his waist, resting my head against his back.  "Not as happy as I'd be with you, I think"._

_He twists to face me, his blue eyes questioning.  "You don't need to say that just to...," he waves his hand depreciatingly, steps away again.  "Being in the dark, with a vampire, s'not what you need, luv.  You need happiness, and light.  You want a normal life.  You keep saying it yourself... and I can't give you that"._

_"God, is there a reason you won't listen to me?" I snap.  "First.  I'm not just saying it.  I love you!" He turns to me again.  "Why do you think I'm here, with_ you _?  I trust you, I count on you, I need you, and I even like you most of the time.  Plus you're the sexiest thing I've ever met, even if you are annoying.  So yes, I'm not just saying it, I'm pretty sure I love you".  His face lights up.  He's absolutely stunning, I think idly._

_"Second," I huff.  "When I say normal, I mean I want to have a good job that I can keep, be able to pay my bills, have friends, have a boyfriend.  Learn how to run my life.  When I was a teen Slayer, none of that mattered, but it looks like I'm not going to die young after all.  So I need to figure out what comes next.  I mean, am I going to be 60 and stabbing vampires with my specially sharpened cane?"_

_Spike snorts._

_"I like having super-powers.  It's who I am.  But if I keep not dying, I need a real life outside of being superwoman, because that doesn't pay the bills.  That's where normal comes in.  But a_ normal _man isn't ever going to work for me because_ I'm _not normal.  Get it?"_

_I step closer to him, right into his space.  His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows unnecessarily.  "Besides, I like you.  Sort of".  I look down, my turn to be embarrassed.  "I love you.  I can't imagine trying to forget that and be with somebody else"._

_Spike tips my chin up, stares into my eyes with naked longing.  "Buffy..." he breathes._

_My voice hitches.  "I really want you to kiss me right now but -" I look down at my hands, which are splayed across my abdomen, "- it doesn't feel like the right time.  I have things to take care of before there can be an us".  I give him a sad smile.  "I want to do it right for once"._

_He just holds me instead._

_***_

_Later that evening, I'm standing on the roof of the ship, watching the sunset and contemplating my decision.  I examine my stomach, which still isn't showing any signs of the changes going on in my body._

_Once again, I consider asking Spike to run away with me.  Now that we've established that yes, we both love each other, and yes, he would want to be with me.  Again, I dismiss it.  He loves_ me _, and he would love a baby_ for me _, but it's still asking more of him than I want to.  It's one thing to take me into his life.  It's another to take a child._

_Besides which, I still feel like I'm not ready to be a mother._

_When the sun sets, Spike joins me.  "I made an appointment for tomorrow," I tell him.  "One of those places that does them before the sun comes up"._

_"I'll be there with you no matter what," he says._

_"I know.  I think I'm going to go in now.  I'm feeling kinda tired".  And I slip inside, leaving Spike standing there alone._

_He joins me shortly after.  I'm curled in his bed, and he comes and sits on the edge.  "You don't hafta do this if you don't want to," he tells me.  "I'm here for you, whatever you need, sweetheart"._

_"Thanks," I whisper.  "But Spike, I... I don't even know who the father is"._

_"About that," he says.  "You figure it was at that party, then?"_

_"Yeah.  It's the only possibility.  Why?  Do you know something?" I ask.  Do I want to know?  Does it even make a difference?_

_He rubs the back of his neck, looks uncomfortable.  "We might have kissed," he admits._

_I frown.  "I don't remember that"._

_"I do.  I was pretty trashed myself by the end, but I definitely know we kissed.  Was making time with that bird, and you cornered me in the hall after, all mad like, then snogged me good"._

_"Hey, yeah, I remember you and that ho bag sucking face!"  I definitely remember being furious, because Spike was mine.  "I don't remember ‘snogging' you.  But even so, kissing a vampire doesn't make babies".  I groan.  "Which means I was kissing you, and doing more with at least one other person".  My cheeks turn red in shame._

_"'Cept, I dunno, luv, if you did.  Dunno how this happened," he gestures at my belly, "but I don't think you were with anybody ‘sides me"._

_"What do you mean?" I ask, slightly panic-stricken.  "How would you know that?"_

_"Bloody hell, I never wanted to tell you this, but..." he goes to his dresser, pulls something out, and puts it in my hand.  I look down.  It is a pair of my underwear.  I look up at him, eyes narrowed._

_"Look, I dunno what happened for sure, but when I woke up next day, these were in my pocket, and..." he trails off._

_"And what, Spike?" I say dangerously._

_He shifts uneasily, mumbles.  "And I smelled like you.  Like us.  Like...".  He doesn't finish._

_I stare at him, trying to process.  "Why didn't you say anything before?" I finally ask angrily._

_"What was I gonna say?  Hey, Slayer, do you remember if we got intimate, ‘cause I sure don't.  Oi!  Don't stake me now!"_

_He sits down heavily, scrubs his hand over his face.  "You didn't say anything the next day, so I didn' know what to do.  Knew you'd been sloshed, didn' imagine you'd have been up for a slap an' a tickle otherwise.  Reckoned you'd be horrified to find out if you didn' remember either.  Prob'ly made the wrong bloody decision as usual, but figured it was best to let it go"._

_My righteous anger deflates.  "Oh," I say in a little voice.  "And I don't remember either.  So I guess I shouldn't throw stones"._

_We're both quiet, wondering what really happened.  "So you think we...?" I begin._

_"I do," he answers softly._

_"I would have liked to remember it.  It was always... worth remembering.  And I'd... I always thought that if there was a next time, it would be... more..." I trail off, sadly._

_"Me too, Buffy, me too.  You're something special you are, and this jus' doesn't feel right, not remembering it.  Feel like I failed you"._

_"It's ok".  I rest my hand on his forearm.  "It's nice to know it was you.  It's what I was wishing for...  Since it had to be someone, you know"._

_My face falls as I remember one important fact.  "But it doesn't explain me being pregnant," I remind him.  "Which means I'm a real slut".  I want to curl up and die of shame._

_Spike takes my hands, and speaks earnestly.  "That's just it Buffy.  I remember most everything ‘bout that night".  He looks uncomfortable.  "An' I always had a fair idea what you were doin' too"._

_"Stalker," I accuse._

_He smiles crookedly.  "You know me, pet.  Least I'm not so obvious about it now, yeah?"  I smile back.  "Point is, thinking on it, there isn't much I don' remember.  Don' think you would have had time to be with someone else.  Even if I don' remember, can' imagine I would have let you ‘round some other blighter after that kiss anyhow"._

_"Stalker and controlling.  Just what I need in a boyfriend," I mutter._

_He throws his hands up.  "I'm jus' sayin', is all.  I dunno how it could have happened, but what if it was me?"  He takes my hands again, slips onto his knees in front of me, eyes filled with emotion.  "What if it could be mine?"_

_My whole body quivers.  It's the only scenario that would make this terrible situation better.  Because if it were Spike's... I could run away with him.  It would be ok.  We could be a family._

_"How?" I ask, voice shaking._

_"Dunno, luv.  Could be the Seed.  Or maybe some prophesy like with Connor.  Who knows?"_

_He bites his lip, searches for words. "I don' wanna push you ‘bout anything, but I need to know, Buffy.  Question is, if it_ could _be mine, would it make a difference?  Would you be willing to have a baby with me?"_

_He looks so hopeful that I don't even hesitate.  "Oh, God, Spike.  You don't know how much I wished it would be you.  And yes!  I would have your baby.  Because you, William, you would be the most wonderful father!"_

_I have never seen Spike like this before, incandescently happy.  He is so beautiful to me right now, I can't help but kiss him.  He looks as if all his dreams have come true._

_I want to live this fantasy, make him this happy, but I'm so afraid the baby can't be his.  How can it be?_

_For the hundred billionth time in the last half a year, I wish I could talk to Giles.  He would know what to do, what musty old book to find answers in.  He would clean his glasses in consternation, and then he would be calm and stuffy and comforting and understanding, and he would help me find the truth._

_"Is there any way to know?" I ask.  "Because I don't want you to, y'know, if it's somebody else's.  It wouldn't be fair to you"._

_"Sweetheart, to me it wouldn't matter.  It'd be a Bitty Buffy, and that's good enough for me".  I see the truth of it in his eyes.  "Does it make a difference to you?  ‘Cause I need you to do what's right for you."_

_I think about it.  Spike pulls me into his arms and rocks me slightly, but remains quiet, waiting patiently for me to sort my thoughts.  I can make a family with Spike.  This is what I've wanted from the moment I found out.  But is it right?_

_Does it matter to me whose baby it is?  Some.  I can't deny that I really don't want to have another man's baby, even if Spike will be the daddy that counts._

_In my mind, I picture us, Spike and me, and a little child with downy curls and pudgy hands clasped in ours.  It takes my breath away._

_I hadn't planned on being a mother so soon, but I know I can do it with Spike by my side.  And as the fear that's been hanging over me falls away, I want to.  Wouldn't it be ok to have what I want for once?_

_"It matters," I admit, "But not as much as I thought.  Not as long as you're there too"._

_Spike picks me up, twirls me around, kisses me soundly. "Then we're gonna be a family!" he shouts._

_***_

_"Severin!" Dawn cries out suddenly._

_"Huh now?" I respond._

_It's been four days since Spike and I decided to keep the baby.  When I told Dawn the next day, she was surprised, and then thrilled._

_Since then, she, Spike, and I have been trying to puzzle out how this pregnancy could have happened.  We had tried to list every single thing that Spike and I had done for the weeks before the party, and a week after, just to be sure.  We frequently gaze at these lists, trying to connect the dots._

_Dawn has come over to help me sort through my clothes.  Since my roomies want me out anyhow, I agreed when Spike asked if I wanted to move onto his ship.  So now we are packing away things I won't be able to wear much longer, to put in storage._

_"Severin," Dawn repeats.  "Maybe that's how it happened"._

_"How do you figure?"_

_Dawn is very excited.  She talks quickly.  "You said Spike started turning human when Severin was draining him.  But he obviously didn't go from human and alive to all the way dead, which is what would have happened if Severin hadn't been stopped.  In that in between moment, he was kind of alive again, just briefly.  Which means," she flushes, "that maybe his, uh, sperm was alive too"._

_I consider.  "But we weren't, y'know, getting it on right then, so how could it matter?  He was completely vampire-y the night of the party.  And Severin's attack was after, so any live... sperm... never made it to me".  We're both red now, and looking determinedly at nothing but the clothes we're folding._

_"But Buffy," she whispers, obviously forcing herself to continue, "do you remember sex ed?  How sperm can remain in the womb for up to five days after?  Maybe longer?  Spike's..." she chokes, continues in a rush, "sperm was in you already, and then Severin grabbed you too, and maybe it turned human just for that moment.  Just long enough"._

_We both look up, and then quickly look away.  Dawn is so red she looks like a tomato.  My cheeks feel just as hot.  This is not a conversation I ever imagined having with my baby sister._

_I don't say anything for a long time, mulling it over.  But it's a plausible theory.  It gives me hope._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Character Death. 
> 
> Warning: Sort of non-consensual Spuffy interaction.

Time passed, one day much like another. 

 

Billy accepted the modified story of his conception I'd given him without comment.  We didn't talk of it again.

 

Occasionally, we'd try to shock Spike into taking his consciousness back, putting him in apparent danger without actually endangering him.  It didn't work.  I imagined our future:  Bob old and wrinkly, me still looking like 30, and Spike the same as ever, a permanent guest in our basement, without any hope for recovery.

 

My future was too odd to contemplate.

 

Now that Spike had fully settled into our lives, we began to branch out again, not just focus on him.  We looked up friends we'd all but ignored, and started to go out at night. 

 

Bob even joined a bowling league with Xander.  "Darling, this is what average, middle-aged American men do," he'd said.  "In ten years I'll be ready to retire.  Then I'll play golf instead". 

 

The children were older too, involved with their friends and their lives.  Bob and I discovered we enjoyed going out to dinner on our own on a regular basis.  One night out, as we celebrated his 45th birthday, he teased, "Soon people are going to start wondering if you're my daughter or if I'm one of those creepy old men who's married a girl half his age".

 

I laughed, but I wasn't really amused.  It wasn't a comforting thought.  "Maybe I could dye my hair gray," I suggested.  "Make myself look older".

 

"You're beautiful.  Don't change a thing," he assured me.  After a beat, he added, "Maybe when Billy gets married and has kids, though.  It might make his wife uncomfortable if her mother-in-law looks younger than she does".

 

"But on the plus side I'll always be able to dress like the young folks," I joked.  "There'll be nobody who'll see me all gussied up, hip and fashionable, and think, Yikes! Cougar!  And that can only be a bonus".

 

"A bonus indeed," Bob repeated with a chuckle. 

 

We went out dancing after, and I appreciated still being able to shimmy and shake like a young thing.  Bob appreciated it too, and rubbed up against me to let me know.  We finished up our celebration late at night, in bed, with the lights out.

 

All in all, it was a good life.

 

***

 

I'd spent the day catching up on paperwork for Andrew, then made dinner.  The kids were off at friends' houses again, so it would be just us.  I hummed contentedly to myself as I set the table, waiting for my husband to come home.

 

Bob called, said he'd be home in an hour.  Looking at the clock, I realized Spike was probably restless, and went down to visit him while I waited.  I'd taken to reading him poetry, choosing pieces I liked from the books of his we'd unboxed.

 

Spike sat next to me as I read, eyes closed, smiling faintly.  I stroked his arm, and for the moment I was at peace with his condition.  When an hour had passed, I kissed the top of his head and told him I'd take him on patrol later, then went upstairs to check on the casserole.

 

I was just pulling it out of the oven when the doorbell rang.  I frowned, wondering if I had locked the door.  "Just a moment, I called".

 

When I opened it, Bob's friends from the SFPD were standing there.  Mike and Charlie looked shaken, and refused to meet my eyes.  Behind them, the lights on their cruiser rotated silently, casting a red and blue glow over our lawn.

 

"Guys?" I said nervously, and motioned them in. 

 

They walked wordlessly into the living room, and Charlie took my hands, pulling me to sit on the couch next to him. 

 

"Buffy," he said, his voice breaking, "There's been an accident, I'm so sorry".

 

"An accident?  Who?  Where?" I pressed, anxious and impatient.

 

Mike spoke from over my shoulder, his voice full of unshed tears.  "It was Bob, honey.  On his way home.  A semi swerved into his lane and hit him".

 

"Where is he?" I asked, panicking.  The truth refused to be acknowledged.  This couldn't be happening.  Dinner was waiting for Bob in the kitchen.  He would walk in the door at any minute, laughing at the mistake.

 

Charlie's voice cracked.  "He's dead, Buffy.  He died instantly.  He didn't suffer," he added, as if that made anything better.

 

My mind shut down.  I stared mutely at them while they filled in the details, told me they'd help however they could.  When I still hadn't spoken, they shook their heads.

 

"Buffy, it's a terrible thing.  Bob was a great guy," Charlie said.  I nodded because it felt like they expected it, waited.  "Do you want me to call somebody for you?  Your sister?" he tried.  I shook my head.

 

"Need us to get the kids?" Mike asked.

 

"I'll do it.  I'll be ok," I lied.  "I just need some time to pull myself together".

 

"Want us to stay with you?"

 

I shook my head again, forced a shaky smile.  "No.  Thanks... for coming.  I appreciate it.  I just... need... a  bit of time".  There was too much time, it refused to move forward. 

 

Or not enough time.  Not enough for Bob.  I could feel the sobs welling up.  I had to get his friends out of my house.

 

I led them to the door, ushered them out.  Mike gave me a tired hug, held my hand for a moment. 

 

The radio in the squad car squawked through the open window, and they turned reluctantly, and left.  I stood in the doorway, staring after the departing car, watching the late afternoon sun glinting off of it as it drove away. 

 

I turned back inside, not even bothering to shut the door, and walked numbly to the wall where all our family photos hung.  I took the one Dawn had taken on our anniversary, not so long ago, and hugged it to my chest, then collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

 

The cries that had been stuck in my throat built into wails, until I was keening Bob's name with gasping breaths, my entire body shuddering in grief.

 

It took a few moments before I was able to hear the commotion coming through the front door.  "Buffy!  Buffy!" a voice cried desperately.  I picked myself up, hurried to the door, wondering what more disaster I was expected to handle today.

 

The sight at the door shocked me back to myself.  Spike stood there, his eyes focused intently on me, blazing with awareness.  "Buffy!" he cried again, and scrabbled at the mystical barrier blocking his entrance, smoke curling off of him.

 

"Spike!"  I rushed forward, grabbed his hand.  "Get in here!" I screamed, the smell of his burning flesh assaulting my nose, and he suddenly stumbled through the door and down the hall, away from the deadly sun.

 

I slammed him to the floor, beating out the flames.  When I was sure they were out, I peppered his face with kisses.  "Not you too, you idiot, not you too".

 

"Buffy!" Spike moaned, and I closed my eyes, sank onto his chest.

 

"You're back!" I wept.  "You're back!"  I grabbed his face in my hands, wanting to see the awareness in his eyes once more.  But when I started into them, the truth hit me.  They were as blank as ever.

 

Despair overwhelmed me, and I broke out howling once again.

 

Spike wrapped his arms around me, reacting instinctually to my pain.  I cried until I could cry no more, and then prepared to do what came next.

 

***

 

The following weeks passed in a blur.  Friends came from around the world, offering condolences.  Our house filled to the rafters, and then emptied, seeming emptier than it had ever been without Bob's presence.  I went through the motions of life in a fog, reminding myself that I had to stay strong for the kids.

 

Every night I would fall into my empty bed, wondering how I was going to make it through another day. 

 

Every night, when I woke up in the wee hours, bawling my eyes out, Spike would be there with his arms wrapped around me, vaguely comforting, whispering the one word he could now say:  "Buffy". 

 

And every night, I would lead him back downstairs before the sun broke, afraid to be seen by my children taking comfort in another man's arms so soon after the death of their father.

 

The children had realized quickly enough that Spike had access to the house when he came wandering in one evening after the last houseguest had left.  I had apologized to them, explaining why I had invited him in, but they hadn't cared.  "It's ok Mom," Annie had comforted me.  "Spike would never hurt us.  It's time he was allowed in".  I smiled gratefully at her.

 

He spent more and more time in our house, until he was eventually as much of a fixture in it as any of us.  After trying repeatedly to convince him to leave when we went to bed, I ultimately gave up, settling him in on the couch before I went to sleep, only to find him with me later in the night.  I made it a point to set my alarm for the early hours of the morning and lead him out of my bed and to the spare room before the children woke.

 

After weeks of the pretense that I was going to be able to keep him out of my room, I simply accepted it.  I let him come to bed with me, falling asleep with our limbs entangled, and only leading him to the spare room when I either woke in the wee hours of the night from crying or from the alarm.  The comfort of his solid body next to mine kept me going when I felt like I couldn't any longer.

 

Spike,  for his part, didn't seem to been any more self-aware than before Bob's death, but that one moment of awareness when he had come to the door gave me hope, as well as how frequently he repeated my name.

 

***

 

For the second time in my life, I found myself packing away the belongings of a man I'd shared my life with and lost to death.  With Spike, I had held out for years, hopeful that we would find him, but I knew there'd be no miraculous return for Bob.

 

I began with his clothes, sorting them into boxes to keep or donate.  Each item had a memory to go with it, a moment of our life together to cherish before boxing away.  Even his socks set me to weeping, thinking of all the times I'd been angry with him for not picking them up.  By the time I was finished, I felt like I'd never be able to cry again.

 

After I taped the last box up, I sat in front of the TV and drank an entire bottle of wine.  When I finished it and swayed upstairs to bed, the gnawing hole in my heart was finally numb.

 

I woke later that night to find myself not only shedding my customary tears, but also kissing Spike with a fierce desperation.  He kissed me back, and in the darkness, it was easy to forget his condition.  I could feel his erection pressing into me, and I sobbed and allowed myself to wrap my legs around him, desperate for comfort and release.

 

Despite the amount of cuddling we'd engaged in since he'd arrived, Spike had rarely ever reacted sexually to it, which had amazed me, given his incredibly sexual nature.  I'd assumed that part of him was lost too, and until now, had even wondered if he were incapable.

 

The hardness between my legs said otherwise, and despite his usual innocence, Spike now moved in a way that bespoke the familiarity our bodies had once shared with each other.  The frantic crush of our mouths drove any inhibitions out of my mind, and I gave in to the dance, seeking oblivion in Spike's body.

When I began to remove his clothing, he simply lay there passively, and I froze, shocked at my behavior.  I looked at his blank face and realized what I was doing.  My betrayal of his trust in me was beyond wrong. 

 

This wasn't Spike I was with, it was an almost child-like version of Spike, and I was taking advantage of him, using his body to comfort myself like so long ago. 

 

I leapt up, disgusted with myself, and ran to the bathroom.    He followed me, trying to comfort me in his own way with gentle pats on the arm, saying "Buffy," over and over.  His attempts to console me only left me feeling even viler, and I turned from him, rocking myself, refusing to acknowledge him.  Eventually he left me alone, and when I emerged from the bathroom he was asleep in my bed.

 

I left him there and went downstairs to the couch, where I tossed and turned and wondered just who I was that I could be so quick to use Spike in such a despicable fashion, and equally quick to be unfaithful to my husband's memory.

 

***

 

I woke feeling as if my entire sense of self was shattered, and I stalked through the house the entire day, furious with everything - Bob for leaving me, Spike for being what he was, myself for being so very weak.  I couldn't take the pain anymore.  When night fell, I knew what I needed to do.  I needed violence. 

 

"Keep him here," I snarled at Billy.  He stared at me in surprise, but led Spike away when he tried to follow me.

 

I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt this dangerous.  I knew it was self-destructive, but I didn't care.  I was the Slayer, and I would slay.  I headed for the docks, where there were always zompires to be found.

 

I was going to have myself a real good night.

 

***

 

I stood in the middle of the alley, chest heaving, dust flying everywhere.  I wasn't satisfied yet.  "Is that all you've got?" I screamed into the darkness.  "Give me more!" I challenged.  Nothing would defeat me tonight.  The pain inside of me made a mockery of any physical pain I felt.

 

An answering roar echoed down the alley.  I cocked my head.  This was different.  A demon, then.  Bring it on. 

 

Or...  Five demons.  I didn't recognize them.  It didn't matter.  I was Death and Destruction, an avenging angel, a woman filled with self-loathing and pain, all wrapped up in one.  I was nature's answer to evil, a primal force created from darkness itself.  If they responded to my challenge, they would die.

 

My axe whirled, glinting in the lamp light.  The alley was a mess of blood and gore, theirs, mine, mixed together, seeping into the gutter.  Three of the lumbering, ugly creatures had fallen, but the two left were bigger, stronger, faster. 

 

I realized I might not win after all.  I began to be afraid.

 

They closed in on me, fought me simultaneously.  This was a battle for my life.  My blood sang, my lungs screamed for air, my muscles cramped with every blow.

 

And then one had me, crushed in its grip, its putrid breath washing over my face.  My axe fell useless to the ground.  I closed my eyes, went limp.

 

Spike was right.  Every Slayer had a death wish, in the end.  It would be a relief.

 

A scream of anguish rent the night air.  I fell to the pavement, still very much alive as the demon dropped me, knocked to the ground by a blur bowling it over.

 

I choked, air rushing back into my lungs, and crawled to the wall, out of the way.  My eyesight was too blurred to see what was happening, my ears ringing too loudly to make sense of the sounds of battle.  I curled into a ball, surprised and just a little disappointed that I wasn't dead.

 

My hearing came back first.  I could make out the sounds of fists hitting flesh, a man cursing violently.  "You ( _thunk_ )keep ( _smack_ ) your ugly mitts ( _punch_ ) off her, you bloody git!"  Then a roar, and the sound of a neck snapping.

 

I heard footsteps, somebody panting over me.  I raised my head, opened my eyes.

 

"Get up, Slayer," Spike snarled.  "You don't get to give up that easily".

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

I let my head drop to the ground.  Obviously I was either dead or hallucinating, because Spike never talked, other than to say ‘Buffy'.  I ruled out dead, deciding my body hurt way too much for death to be an option.  Hallucinating, then.  One too many blows to the head, or maybe the lack of oxygen while I was being crushed caused brain damage.

 

"Spike!  Come back!  Spike!"  I heard yelling, footsteps pounding closer.  It sounded like my son.  My eyes snapped back open. 

 

"Over here," Spike growled, and then Billy came skidding around the corner, screeching to a halt in front of Spike with a flabbergasted expression.

 

Maybe I wasn't hallucinating after all.  Billy obviously hadn't expected Spike to talk, either.  It was too much to understand.  I whimpered in pain.

 

"Mom!" Billy gasped, bending down to look at me.  He turned to Spike, accepting the impossible with the resilience of youth.  "Is she going to be alright?"

 

Spike bent down, scooped me up gently.  "Let's just get her home," he replied.  I marveled at the sound of his voice, the feel of his arms holding me as he strode confidently forward.

 

"Spike's back," I whispered, and let myself pass out.

 

***

 

I must have stayed out of it the whole way home, because I was in my bed when I woke up.  I kept my eyes closed, and let the sound of Spike's voice wash over me.

 

"So you're Annie, then," he said.

 

"I am," I heard her reply.  "It's nice to meet the real you, Spike".

 

"Don' rightly know what that means, but thanks, sweetheart.  An' I'm definitely pleased to meet a pretty little snack size like you" Spike said with mock fierceness.

 

My eyes popped open and focused on the scene.  Billy was smiling quietly in the corner.  Annie wasn't afraid, just giggling and blushing at the compliment, while she shook Spike's hand. 

 

She saw my open eyes.  "Mommy!" she yelped.  "Are you ok?"  She bounded onto the bed.

 

I groaned.  "Easy, baby.  Mommy's good, just sore.  Haven't had a proper fight like that in years".

 

Spike focused intensely on me, the muscle in his jaw twitching.  "What were you thinking, Slayer?" he growled at me. 

 

‘Slayer', was it?  Obviously no joyful reunion in the works for us. 

 

"Just working off some steam before bed, ridding the world of nasty demons".  I glared at him.  

 

Spike's eyes never left mine.  "We're gonna continue catchin' up, Annie, but right now I want to talk to your mommy, ok, sweetheart?" he said, deceptively kindly.  He turned briefly to Billy, and his whole face softened.  "You too, son," he continued, his voice lingering lovingly over the word ‘son'.

 

They slipped out, and then it was just us.  "What was that about, Buffy?  You got a death wish?"  I glowered and looked away. 

 

He squeezed my shoulders, and I winced, but didn't reply, and he lost his patience.  "You would have died!" he roared.  "If I hadn't been there..." he broke off, and pulled me to him, burying his face in my neck.

 

Tears slipped down my face.  "It was a bad day.  Nothing more".  My hand hovered over his head, hesitating to stroke it.  I suddenly felt unbearably shy, as if we were meeting for the first time after years apart.  In a sense we were.

 

"It's over.  I'll heal," I reminded him.  He pulled back and looked at me, searching my face.  I smiled awkwardly.  "So, um... here you are, talking and everything".

 

"Guess so".

 

"Are you... all normal then?  No after-effects?  Do you even remember the last 16 years?"

 

Spike gasped.  "Sixteen years?" he stuttered. 

 

"And a half," I added.

 

"Bloody hell, Buffy.  I suppose I should have realized, with Billy being so big'n all, but...".  He looked at me closely.  "You don't look that much older".

 

I shrugged.  "Slayer perk.  Apparently eternal youth is part of the lethal package.  Better than the shock you would have gotten if I was all wrinkly".

 

"Pet, you'll always be beautiful to me, even if you're a walking raisin".

 

I waved away his compliment in embarrassment.  "Bit more interested in you, at the moment.  What was it like?"

 

It was his turn to shrug.  "Blurry.  When I saw you in that demon's grip, everything suddenly snapped into focus.  I knew who I was, who you were, and somehow I knew I'd followed you because I needed to protect you...  But I had no idea how I got there.  No recollection of the past... sixteen an' a half years.  Last thing I remember before that is Simone attacking".

 

"It must have been a surprise".

 

"Understatement there, luv.  But somehow I still knew things.  Knew I'd been away from you for a long time.  Knew I should be with you n'the children.  I don' remember details, though.  It's just there".  He looked around.  "Know my way around this house without askin', but I don' know why".

 

He peered at me, suddenly confused.  "Buffy, where's Dowling?  Don' know why, but I feel like he oughtter be here an' he's missin'.  You're married to him, aren't you?  Annie looks jus' like him".

 

My breath hitched.  "That's a big part of the bad day," I said, not able to tell him.  I was suddenly too exhausted to stay awake.  "Can we do this later, Spike?  I'm going to pass out here". 

 

Spike nodded, concerned.  "Yeah pet, you get some kip, get fixed up.  Story'll still be the same tomorrow".

 

I smiled gratefully at him.  "I'm sure Billy's dying to talk to you," I told him.  "He's been waiting for sixteen years to do it".  He nodded again, and left, closing my door softly behind him.

 

***

 

When I woke up, it was early morning.  I was still sore, but vastly improved.  Slayer healing was a wonderful thing.  I crept through the house, found Billy and Annie asleep in their beds, but no sign of Spike.  I stood at the foot of the stairs, perplexed.  Surely he hadn't left?

 

Suddenly I remembered the apartment.  Spike hadn't been down there in weeks, and I'd forgotten about it.  Sure enough, I found him there, passed out on his bed.  I pulled the blanket over him, and sat down, watching him sleep. 

 

I still couldn't believe he'd finally recovered.  I abruptly worried it was too good to be true, that he'd be lost again when he woke.  I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him hard, calling his name. 

 

His eyes flew open.  "What, luv?" he asked, sitting up rapidly.  "What's wrong?"

 

I let go of the breath I didn't know I'd been holding, and a grin split my face.  "Just checking," I said.

 

"Bloody hell woman, gave me a heart attack, you did".

 

"Your heart doesn't beat, Spike," I pointed out.

 

He rubbed his chest.  "I think it might now".

 

I leaned into him, rested my head on his chest, and listened.  "Sorry, still unbeating".

 

His arms went around me.  "Billy told me ‘bout Bob," he said.  "I'm sorry, luv.  Bob was a good man".

 

"He was," I sniffled.  "A good husband".  I twisted the ring on my finger.

 

"Now see, I was right, wasn' I?  Told you he'd be good for you".  I could hear the satisfied smirk in his voice.

 

"This is a very wiggy conversation to be having with you," I said, flustered.  "I feel like I should apologize to you for being married.  For giving up on you".

 

"Shhh, Buffy, no.  Life goes on.  S'what I would've wanted for you".

 

My fingers traced patterns on his chest.  "I've missed you so much Spike.  You don't know how much.  I'm just so... you're really here!"

 

"I am, pet".

 

I remembered I'd woken him from a sound sleep.  "I'll let you go back to sleeping.  Sorry I woke you," I said, getting up to leave.

 

He grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me leave.  "Feel like I've been sleepin' for years.  Stay a bit". 

 

I settled back down on the bed.  "Do you want me to catch you up to speed?"

 

"Billy's filled me in on most of the past.  What he knows an' remembers, at least".

 

"He's definitely your son," I blurted out.

 

His face glowed.  "S'like lookin' in a bloody mirror, innit?  Sprog said he's a bit stronger and faster n'normal too".

 

"He is.  He and Connor have gotten pretty close.  Birds of a feather I guess.  Connor's been by a lot.  I guess you don't remember him visiting you?"  Spike shook his head.  "You've had a lot of visitors.  You're a pretty popular guy.  Lotta people are going to be happy to see you".

 

He looked down, self-conscious.  "Go on then, Slayer.  Don't tease a fellow".

 

I shook my head, laughing.  I grabbed his chin, lifted it up, and gave him a kiss.  "Definitely missed you". 

 

Spike gazed at me with longing, but to my surprise, didn't return my kiss.  "Buff, I was thinkin' ‘bout us last night, an' I was wonderin' what you expect to happen now".

 

"I don't know," I said uneasily.  "I haven't really thought much beyond ‘Spike's better!' to be honest".

 

His face was serious.  "I'm goin' say something that I don't think you're goin' to like, and I want you to promise not to punch me in the nose, alright?"

 

"If I'm not going to like it, I don't think I can promise that," I sulked.  "What is it?"

 

"For me, t'was only yesterday we were living together on my ship, waiting for our baby to be born.  But for you, s'been years.  Lots has happened, mos' importantly, your hubby just died.  All I want is to pick up where we left off, but m'pretty sure s'not a good idea right now". 

 

He took in my stricken face.  "You need to grieve, luv.  You need to grieve, an' get your feelings all straightened out before I step in and muck ‘em up".  Spike took a deep breath, eyed me warily, and grabbed both my hands in his.  "Tha's why I think I should leave for a little while".  He tightened his grip on my hands so I couldn't punch him.

 

I head butted him instead.

 

"Bloody hell!  You're a soddin' menace," he snarled, cradling his nose.

 

I shrugged.  "Not my fault you're awake for less than a day and you're already pissing me off beyond belief."  I felt bad about his nose, but I wasn't about to let him know.  "So, another Angel speech?  You have to leave me for my own good?"

 

"Wish you'd quit comparing me to that wanker," he grumbled.

 

"Then quit acting like him.  I really wanna know, do you call him up, ask him for advice on how to give ‘let's leave Buffy' speeches?  Because you're both really good at it".  After a beat, I added, "Although in this case, you might possibly be a little bit right". 

 

Spike looked at me incredulously. 

 

"I've waited for this day for so long, Spike.  But like usual, we have really bad timing".  I moved away, to distance myself from him, even though I didn't want to. 

 

"Right now, I do need to grieve for Bob.  I really loved him," I admit, "and I think I would feel all kinds of guilty if I suddenly started being with you so soon after his death.  You don't know how long it took before I stopped feeling like I was betraying you every time Bob and I made lo-"

 

Spike cut me off.  "Don' think I wanna hear ‘bout that part," he scowled. 

 

I snickered, remembering Spike's reaction to our noisy lovemaking not so long ago.  "No, I guess you wouldn't".  He scowled more, but didn't comment.

 

"Anyhow, thanks for being brave enough to suggest it.  I want to do this right".

 

"Don' really want to leave, but...  Seems right".

 

"Where will you go?" I asked.

 

"Think I'll go look up these friends you say missed me.  Give ‘em a bit of a surprise".  He got an evil glint in his eyes.  "An' I've got years of insulting Angel ‘ve missed out on.  ‘Spect Captain Forehead will be thrilled to see me".

 

***

 

Before leaving for his ‘grand tour' as he called it, Spike wanted to spend some time bonding with Billy and Annie. 

 

He took to Annie in the same way he'd taken to Dawn as a child.  She, for her part, told him she was glad he was better, but she missed his sniffy hugs.  Spike cocked an eyebrow, and we demonstrated for him. 

 

His eyes widened, and he turned to me panicked.  "An' I did that with everybody?  Nuzzled their necks like a bloody poofter?"

 

"Oh, yes," I told him, trying desperately to keep a straight face.  "Xander, Dawn, Andrew... and especially Angel!  You'd curl up like that with him for hours!"  He was so distraught at the thought that I couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing hysterically.

 

"You're an evil wench," he glowered.

 

"Just us," Annie assured him, giggling.  "Me and Billy and Mom and Dad.  And Auntie Dawn too.  But Daddy didn't seem to like it as much".

 

"Little Bit s'ok, but Dowling?" he muttered to himself, shaking his head at the indignity of it.

 

When Dawn brought Xander and the kids over later, she ran to give Spike a hug, baring her neck to him in the way we'd all become accustomed to doing.  He became so flustered he couldn't talk, and ended up stepping back quickly and patting her on the back with a stiff arm. 

 

While Spike and Xander exchanged manly insults, I quietly whispered in her ear what was wrong.   Dawn grabbed Spike's arm and pulled him into the other room, then returned minutes later with him following sheepishly behind.

 

"I explained to him how happy it made me to know I had a way to connect with him.  How it made me feel like he was really in there, and he still knew me and loved me even if he couldn't say it," she whispered to me.  "Especially since he'd only do it to me and your family.  He got over himself then".

 

I looked at her in admiration.  "One of these days I'll get used to you being so much wiser than me.  I only teased him about it and made him feel worse".

 

"Eh, you've got other ways to make him feel good," she kidded.

 

I blushed, and eyed him appreciatively as he bent down to talk to Dawn's girls.  "Someday, I hope, but not yet".

 

Dawn nodded understandingly and put her arm around me.  "It's too soon, I know.  You'll get there though.  You guys have never had it easy, but, Buffy, it's really romantic".

 

"I don't like your kind of romantic," I groused, thinking of all the heartache we'd endured.

 

"No, it really is, because in the end, you always find each other".

 

***

 

_I've been living on Spike's ship for over a month now, and except for some heated kisses, he has yet to touch me like I want him to.  As I stroke my barely swelling belly, I tell him it's a bit late to protect my virtue.  He counters that he doesn't want to hurt the sprog.  Growing up in Victorian England has ingrained all kinds of outdated ideas about pregnant women in him._

_"It's been too long since you've touched me, Spike," I complain.  "Except for the one night neither of us can remember.  Being this close to you all day, sleeping with you every night, it's driving me crazy".  It feels weird to have to be the one begging him._

_I channel my inner Anya.  "Being pregnant gives a girl certain urges, you know. Since you're the one who did this to me in the first place, the least you can do is give me orgasms"._

_His eyes glaze over with lust.  "I want to, pet.  Believe me, I want to.  I've waited so long, never thinking it would happen, never thinking I'd have the opportunity to show you how much I love you..."._

__  
  
I put my hands on my hips, suddenly furious.  "Whose fault is that, Spike?  Let's talk about that!  After Sunnydale, I thought you were dead - I mourned for you!  And then suddenly, I find out over a year later that you're not - and not only that, but you've been alive and prancing around LA for months without calling me?  And all I want is you, but obviously you don't want me.  Which is okay because I'm busy with this army of girls, but I miss you so desperately. And I have to wonder why you don't care enough to at least let me know you're alive".  All my feelings about being abandoned by the one who I thought would never leave me come pouring out.

 __  
  
My voice rises steadily, cutting off any protests he tries to make.  "After years of not seeing you, you just show up on some bug ship out of the blue!  And I want is to tell you how happy I am to see you, except we're fighting for our lives, and you barely even spare me a glance.  And then you almost burn up!  Again!  No idea if you're ok or dead, no idea if you've left or where you've gone, nobody knows, everything's gone to hell and I can't find you!"  I'm screaming now, barely coherent.

_"But, big surprise, suddenly you're back again, and still making it obvious that I don't mean anything to you any longer.  Just showing up with the snarky, and leaving again, kissing girls right in front of me, and what was I supposed to think?  It's like you were trying to torture me with how you didn't love me anymore, and oh God!  You stupid, selfish...".  I sink to the ground and break down sobbing, shoulders heaving._

__  
  
Spike is thoroughly alarmed.  "Hey, hey, Buffy, I...".  He stops, unsure of what to say.  He tries to hold me, but I flail at him and beat his chest with my fists, the pregnancy hormones leaving me screaming and crying uncontrollably.  At least, that's what I'm blaming it on.  Finally, he gets his arms around me and holds me tight, rocking and shushing me like a small child.  Eventually I quiet, hiccupping and whimpering.

 __  
  
He tries again, speaking into my hair.  "I never meant to hurt you.  Didn' know you if still felt anything for me, didn' think you did," is all he can come up with.

 __  
  
I glare at him.  "You didn't know?  How could you?  You never came around to find out!  Prick!  Why, Spike?  Why didn't you tell me you were alive and in LA?"  
  


_  
"I wanted to, had my ticket, ready to head out and find you, but then...  I got scared".  He laughs mirthlessly.  "I'll admit it, I was a coward.  Didn' think you really loved me, figured you were well shut of me.  The big poof kept telling me he was your one true love, and I couldn't very well deny it, could I?  Didn't think I could take it if I went to you and you didn't want me after all.  Was easier to stay in LA..."._

__  
  
I want to interrupt, but Spike goes on quickly.  "And there was the Shanshu buggerboo.  Thought I'd try out being noble for myself.  Wanted to see what that poufter got out of it.  Hadn't put much thought into being on the side of good just for the sake of it before.  Figured I'd been brought back for a reason, thought that might be it... When you'd called me a champion, made me feel good, you know?"

_His face twists sadly as he goes on, "Then we went to Rome and you were with that ponce, the Immortal, so I figured you'd moved on right quick enough, didn't need me".  He shrugs apologetically._

__  
  
"Lame!"  I sputter, throwing my hands up.  "Just - lame!  If you'd asked me - at least told me you were alive - I could have told you how I felt. How I needed you.  And you do know I was never in Rome, right?  That it was a decoy?"

 __  
  
"Found out later, too late.  Andrew put on a good show.  Stupid wanker, I could have ripped his throat out when I found out.  But by then I was bit busy in Vegas -"

 __  
  
"Which I only know about because you called Willow!" I interject.

 __  
  
"- and I'd heard the rumblings of something too big to ignore.  Had to fight the good fight and all that".

 __  
  
Spike narrows his eyes at me, suddenly indignant.   "I'll have you know, when I'd taken care of business with those Wolfram and Hart pillocks, I came to look you up, see where things stood, 'cause the little witch had made me think you might want me.  Instead you're busy giving Angel a happy and destroying the world again!"

_I gasp.  No one ever says that name to me, or directly mentions what happened with him.  No one._

_Spike ignores my shock, goes on.  He was never one to let me hide from the truth.  "You got on my ship, I could smell him on you right through the demon stink.  You were still bloody glowing, Buffy!  So yeah, when the fight was done I left to mop up your mess.  You had your one true love, figured I'd just be a third wheel, getting in the way.  Not my idea of fun!"_

__  
  
I turn repentant in the face of his tirade.  I still don't understand exactly what came over me that day, but thinking about it fills me with shame none-the-less.  "Yeah, that was... bad timing.  I can't deny... and Angel, he was my first love... there were... circumstances... what with the flying and the mojo the PTB put on us and all.  Things got carried away..." I stutter.

 __  
  
"So Angel was right all along, he's your one true love," he says bitterly.

 _  
  
"That is so not what I said!  First love.  Not one true love".  I'm angry again.  "And anyhow, where had you been, huh?  Gone!  Two years and no word from you!_ You _left_ me _without so much as a note to say ‘hi, still alive, Buffy, thought you might want to know'_ _.  I so do not need more jealous vampire crap," I glower at him._

 __  
  
"M' just wonderin' if there's a reason for me to be jealous.  Don' fancy always wonderin' if you might be running off with him someday," Spike counters with a sniff.

 __  
  
"I told you, that day with Angel was a mistake.  Not even a mistake.  Not real.  Right now, I never even want to see Angel again".

_I truly don't want to be fighting with Spike, so I try soothe his fears, make him understand how I feel about the other vampire.  "I was in love with Angel when I was just a child, playing at a romantic schoolgirl fantasy.  I'm all grown up now, and I'm not in love with Angel anymore.  That thing with Twilight was... extenuating circumstances"._

_"Jus' a little more of a hello than the last time, then?  Time before, you only kissed him hello.  Figured he needed a bit more of a greeting this time?"_

_I blanch.  "You're a pig, Spike".  I'd storm off, probably forever after that comment, but the ship is miles off the ground.  I settle for storming to another room._

_I hear curses and things crashing behind me, and then he runs after me.  "M'sorry," he begs.  "I jus'... I love you so much, n' I can't ever believe you would actually choose me.  It makes me into such an insecure wanker, ‘specially ‘bout Tall, Dark and Broody"._

__  
  
His face is so miserable, I forgive him.  If nothing else, this fight proves how much time we've wasted over the years, wanting each other but screwing it up one way or another.  I don't want to waste anymore, so I say hesitantly, "You must have been so hurt, thinking I wanted to be with Angel".

 __  
  
He pouts a little.  "Damn right I was".

 __  
  
"Kinda like how I felt when I heard you were hanging out with Drusilla in Vegas?" I ask.

 __  
  
"You know about that?" he splutters, taken aback.

 __  
  
"When Will let slip she'd gone to help you in Vegas, I was devastated" I admit sheepishly.  "It took a long time, but I managed to get some bits of the story from her".

_I take his hand.  "Think of it like this.  You helped Drusilla because, despite the fact that she's a murdering lunatic, she was a big part of your life.  Un-life, whatever.  It doesn't mean you want to be with her though... I hope.  Angel was a special part of my life, and I will always care about him - but my past.  Yeah?"_

__  
  
"Yeah," he agrees.

 _  
  
I slap him on the chest.  "Besides, I'm having_ your _baby, idiot"._

_"S'an accident"._

_"Best accident of my life," I tell him.  "I really love you, Spike.  I don't think you know how much"._

_"I hear you say it, but I keep waitin' for you to punch me after," he says.  "Seems like things never go right for us, an'm waiting for it to all blow up in my face"._

_"It's never been easy with us, has it?"  He shakes his head fervently.  "But this time, nothing's going to happen.  We're going to be a family together"._

_He laughs ecstatically._

_"What?" I ask._

_"We're a family.  A real couple for once"._

_"And?"_

_"An' we jus' had our first real fight!"_

_It's true.  Spike has been nothing but sweet to me ever since I moved in.  Sweet Spike wigs me out to the point where I sometimes want to shake him and ask where the real Spike is.  This is more like_ us _, but still, him being this happy about us fighting is also wiggy._

_"Why are you so happy about having a fight?" I ask, confused._

_He curls his tongue and leers at me in that way that makes me want to rip all his clothes off.  "Because now we get to make up".  He kisses me and lays me down on the bed._

_For a moment he looks concerned.  "You really figure it's safe?"_

_"All the books even say it's good for me," I promise.  Spike chuckles sultrily, and drinks me in with his bedroom eyes._

_I glow with happiness as we make love, truly make love to each other for the first time.  It has taken us years and so much heartache to get to this point.  It hasn't been easy, but it was worth it._

_From here on out, nothing can keep us apart._

 

***

 

A few days before Billy's seventeenth birthday, Spike materialized next to me as I was fighting a zompire.

 

"Slayer," he said casually.

 

"Spike," I returned just as nonchalantly, as if I'd expected him to show.  I staked the zompire, turned to him.  "You back then?"

 

"If you want me".  His tone was deceptively light, despite the intense way his eyes focused on me. __  
  
  


"I'll always want you," I answered him, as carelessly as if we were discussing the weather.  "I love you.  You're my other half".

 

His only answer was a smile.

 

I slipped my hand into his, and together we walked home, as if we'd been doing it for years.

 


	15. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We come to the end. *sniffle* Thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Buffy and Friends belong to Joss Whedon and associates. They're kind enough to let us play.

There is a family reunion at the hotel we're staying at.  Spike and I wander into the conference room where it is occurring.  Here and there, we see flashes of ourselves.  This young man has sharp cheekbones.  That mother and daughter have green eyes, blonde hair.  The pair of little boys running wild have eyes so blue, staring into them takes your breath away.

 

Unnoticed, we observe for a time, and then leave, hands twined together.  These descendants of ours, they don't need to know who we are.  We faded out of our family history years ago.

 

In those first years after he'd recovered, Spike and I had finished raising our family together, reveling in the chance to do what we'd planned so many years prior. 

 

But the children had grown up and moved away, started their own families, and we learned to play the role of busy grandparents instead, becoming less and less a part of our offspring's lives. 

 

The day came when our grandchildren began to look like our grandparents, and so we disappeared completely.  It was just too awkward, and the next generations didn't remember us anyhow.

 

Our lives are our own now.  We do whatever strikes our fancy.  I enjoy being free of responsibilities at last.  We see the world by moonlight, only letting ourselves be found to lend aid fighting the occasional apocalypse.

 

Long ago, Willow completed her mission with magic, returned the world to what it had once been.  I hadn't fought her over it; it was inevitable.  The restoration did bring back a certain balance, but with it, demons and apocalypses. 

 

It also brought back the Slayer line. 

 

Over time, the remaining Slayers fell in the line of battle.  Faith had been the last to go.  She'd lived to the ripe old age of 122, despite appearing no older than 50.  The very next week, Marvin Harris, the current head of the updated Watcher's Council, informed us that the first new Slayer in 100 years had been called.  Balance was restored.

 

Spike and I have no ties left to this world except each other.   Everybody we had known and loved is gone.  Even Angel is gone, in a grand fight and a heroic death, years ago. 

 

The reunion and the hotel are in San Francisco.  We haven't been here in decades.

 

When the sun rises, we return to our room, ensure the drapes are shut, and make love with as much passion as if it were the first time.  Our need for each other hasn't dulled one bit.

 

After, Spike kisses me, caresses my face.  "Love you Buffy.  Love you ‘til the end of the world.  Prob'ly longer".

 

"Always," I reply. 

 

We lay there, whole in each other, but a nagging feeling has been growing on me.  In the last few months, I've realized I no longer feel completely satisfied.

 

Spike knows me, knows I have something I've been contemplating.  He's been waiting on my cue, but now he brings it up.  "Tell me, sweetheart.  Don' keep it from me".

 

I cuddle into him, wondering how he'll respond to what I have to say.  "I don't want to live forever," I tell him.  "I never expected to live past 20, and here I am, almost ready for a bicentennial.  It boggles the mind".

 

He's quiet, waiting for me to continue.

 

"I've seen too much, know too much.  I'm tired.  And I still remember Heaven," I add in a quiet voice.

 

Spike is silent, contemplating.  "Don' reckon Heaven can be much better than this, Buffy.  Get to be with you, fight with you, hold you in my arms as I sleep.  I haven' been there, but for me?  This is heaven, sweetheart".  He pauses, thinking more.  "What's makin' you feel like this?  Maybe I can fix it".

 

"I'm ready to rest," I say simply. 

 

He's quiet again.  Eventually he speaks up.  "Unless some nasty gets you, s'not gonna come about, pet.  An' I don' think I can let some nasty get you.  Goes agains' my nature too much to let it happen.  ‘M not ready to lose you." 

 

He kisses me, says sadly, "Even if I walked out into the next sunrise, I'd lose you.  "M not going same place as you".

 

"You are though," I interrupt him.

 

"'Preciate the sentiment, but don' think so, Buffy.  You're The Chosen One.  ‘M just a vamp with a soul".

 

"No, you're more," I tell him earnestly.  I hang my head, embarrassed to admit I've gone behind his back, kept something from him.  "I contacted the coven awhile ago.  I was worried about it.  Didn't ever want to be apart from you, either.  They have some way to tell where souls will end up.  They promised we'd be together".

 

His face is unreadable.

 

"If you're not ready, I understand.  If it's not what you want, I'll wait.  I'll stay.  Being with you is what matters most to me," I rush to explain.  "We don't seem to be dying anytime soon, anyhow.  I'm apparently immortal, and you're already dead.  It works for us".

 

The silence stretches on.  It's ok.  I've learned patience.  We both have.

 

"We'd really be together?" he ventures disbelievingly.

 

"Forever".

 

He sighs.  "'M not sure as I'm ready to go on yet.  But if I know I'll be with you, I won' mind, either".  He kisses me, runs his hands over me.  I shiver in anticipation.

 

"Next big apocalypse, then," he tells me.   "I won' try so hard to save you, how ‘bout?"  I nod, satisfied.  He continues, "Always fancied going' out in another blaze of glory.  This time we'll do it together.  Be bloody brilliant, we will".

 

His caresses increase.  "And we'll meet on the other side?" he insists on asking.

 

"Promise," I promise.  "We'll never let anything keep us apart again".

 

His body covers mine, making promises of its own.  "I'll always find my way back to you," he agrees.

 

THE END


End file.
